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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - Being told off by friends son!!

26 replies

billsnewhat · 16/05/2019 18:34

Just wondered peoples opinions on this. We have a group of friends 4 different families with 9 children ranging from 19-5. The kids have grown up together and we often go on days out bbqs at each others houses and holidays. Obviously the kids are all now getting older and one of the kids is now 16 and doing a child care course to become a childrens playworker/ nursery worker. So the demographics of the children has now changed. Last year he was a child running around with them all and included in the kids but now apparently he is in charge of the kids - he constantly bosses the little kids around and he tries to take control but they don't respect him because up till last year he was one of them. His mum -a good friend- is shocked how the children treat him my son is autistic and finds it really hard to suddenly be told off and told to behave by a 16 yr old who last summer was his friend but now is in charge!!! He tells the kids off( including his younger siblings!!) for every little thing it is like he has this new found power. He is generally a lovely young lad but when around the younger kids he becomes like a dictator!! His mum has decided as well that as he is 16 he is in charge and it is good experience for his college course. We are all going away next weekend and I am dreading it. My son absolutely hates him now and unfortunatley last night told him so which didn't go down too well with my friend. AIBU to think it is very hard for the children to suddenly be told what to do by a person who was previously their peer??

OP posts:

HomeMadeMadness · 16/05/2019 18:38

YANBU. I don't think it's appropriate for a 16 year old to suddenly step in and assume control of all the children - especially your son who has ASD and probably responds much better to a known adult. I would gently let this boy know that you're in charge of DS and he doesn't need to worry about looking after him unless someone is in actual danger.

WorraLiberty · 16/05/2019 18:38

AIBU to think it is very hard for the children to suddenly be told what to do by a person who was previously their peer??

Not unreasonable, just irrelevant because surely you'll be telling the 16 year old that he's not in charge of your DC? If the other parents have a problem, they'll presumably be telling him the same?

It doesn't matter what the 16yr old or his mum thinks.

Windyone · 16/05/2019 18:39

I’m a bit surprised that the older kids still want to hang around with the younger kids/their mums and dads. I’d have thought they’d want to be doing their own thing.

Chamomileteaplease · 16/05/2019 18:39

He sounde sounds like a right pain!s like a right pain!

If I were you I would say to him and his mother that you don't want him to be "in charge" of your kids and to not tell them off at all. Speak to the other parents and see if they feel the same. It would be helpful if you were all of the same mind.

Nothing to feel bad about - tell it to them straight! You can be polite. Besides, it must be horrible for him too to be in charge of loads of kids!

TowerRavenSeven · 16/05/2019 18:39

Meh. That’s sort of what happens I think. His mother should clue him in that he should be kinder and they might listen more but this kind of thing happens all the time and at work too. All of a sudden a peer is a boss, not a bad lesson to learn.

PickAChew · 16/05/2019 18:41

He is going to struggle with child care if he is constantly telling kids off.

PoorRichard · 16/05/2019 18:41

As a pp said, it's irrelevant what this child and his mother think -- you'll presumably be telling him firmly, if you haven't already, that he's not in charge of your DC.

pallisers · 16/05/2019 18:45

I would just say clearly to him and his mum "actually my children don't need anyone minding them while they play - they are old enough to sort themselves out."

Then teach your children the lovely phrase "you're not the boss of me" and tell them to use it liberally.

YemenRoadYemen · 16/05/2019 18:48

Have people missed that the OP is friends with the parents?

The advice being given - it doesn't matter what the Mum thinks - seems a touch bizarre.

It's much more awkward when the parents are friends, and does need to be handled a bit more delicately, if the wider friendship isn't to be affected.

I'd either have a one-to-one with the 16YO or the Mum at a separate time, i.e. not when the 16YO is in action, bossing everyone around, and just explain why you think this isn't going well.

mbosnz · 16/05/2019 18:50

I'd be telling the Mum and the teenager, that my son answers to his parents. Not to them. So please do not go trying to assume an authority over him that you do not have, you will only embarrass yourself when I back my son up that he does not have to do what the teenager tells him, and that the teenager is bang out of order trying to do so.

If he wants to practice his child care skills, he can go pick up some babysitting gigs, but he's not to practice them on my son.

Original poster

billsnewhat · 16/05/2019 18:54

I did tell him last night that the older kids don't need watching before he was "in charge" they all played happily without constant in your face supervision. I think his mum quite likes the fact that he can watch his bro and sis age 3 and 4 so she can relax a bit , and she thinks that all us adults can have fun as he is there now to look after the little ones taking the pressure off her. I know one of the other families feels the same but the other family have a 3 yr so again the parents can relax and leave him to look after their son. He seems much more relaxed with the little ones it is the kids of of 8-11 he likes to boss about!!!

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 16/05/2019 18:55

Well, I think this can happen to an extent, so it's not so unusual.

But I think as your DS needs different handling, it would be OK to point that out to the teen, especially as he is doing a childcare course - maybe tell him his approach needs a bit of work and offer some advice? Turn a negative into something positive for them all.

WorraLiberty · 16/05/2019 18:57

Have people missed that the OP is friends with the parents?

Not at all.

And as a friend, whose kids have all played together for years, it should make it even easier to point out her child hasn't suddenly been promoted to boss.

It really doesn't matter what the mother thinks. What matters here is what the OP and her child thinks of this teenager putting himself in charge.

mimibunz · 16/05/2019 19:00

Tell him to back off your DC or you will embarrass him in front of everyone.

Witchend · 16/05/2019 19:03

Ime talking the child care experience etc out of it, the older children do tend to take charge. I can remember in a group with a huge variety of ages, us being most amused to notice how as each child got too old for the group and moved on, another child would take the lead and be "in charge"-usually the oldest, but not always.
It does sound like he's possible being a bit dictatorial at present, however we noticed that tended to happen when they first took over. They then settled down after a little bit of elbow poking and led nicely, looking after the younger ones, and curbing boisterous behaviour far more effectively than the adults stepping in.

Afternoonteadelight · 16/05/2019 19:05

You’re not in charge of my kids thanks, and repeat

YemenRoadYemen · 16/05/2019 19:11

It really doesn't matter what the mother thinks. What matters here is what the OP and her child thinks of this teenager putting himself in charge.

Well, I'm guessing the OP was possibly after slightly more nuanced advice, given the adult friendship. If she didn't care what her friend thought, she wouldn't be mulling this over, let alone coming on here asking for advice on how best to handle it.

Anyway, OP - just tell kid and mum to back off, is clearly the message from this thread. Am guessing you could've come up with that approach yourself, but if not, you're welcome.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/05/2019 19:11

Hopefully the boy will have got the message then. If not you can reinforce it. I don’t think there’s anything unfortunate with the interaction between your ds and the 16 yo. It sounds as if he had it coming.

YemenRoadYemen · 16/05/2019 19:14

IME, this will ride out quite quickly. Playground forces at work. The younger ones will cut him down to size, and you're probably better staying out of it and just letting them all get on with it, while giving your DC a few strategies to speed things along.

WorraLiberty · 16/05/2019 19:15

If she didn't care what her friend thought, she wouldn't be mulling this over, let alone coming on here asking for advice on how best to handle it.

I didn't say the OP doesn't care what her friend thinks

I said what her friend thinks doesn't matter. What matters is the OP and her DC don't want this boy bossing the DC about.

MitziK · 16/05/2019 19:20

It's hard for both the younger children and the teenager who is realising that he is becoming an adult/feels some sort of responsibility.

Encouraging the 'You're not the boss of me' stuff carries into school, though - the kids I work with who have older siblings who aren't taught that are far less likely to be rude, disrespectful or work in packs to disrupt lessons.

A kinder way to encourage him to lay off is to remind him that he's on holiday too, and, quite frankly, what the others do is not his problem nor his responsibility. I'd also speak to the DC who said that he hated him and remind him that whilst it's normal to dislike how somebody is behaving especially when it has changed, saying things like that can be unkind and hurtful. It's a good social skill to learn that thinking something is different to saying it.

Driftingthoughlife · 16/05/2019 19:24

If he is shouting and bossing around to the extent your son can’t stand him now then I would think a career in childcare is not formhim

YemenRoadYemen · 16/05/2019 19:38

I said what her friend thinks doesn't matter.

Well no, not to you.

But clearly it matters to the OP what her friend thinks, what with them being friends, and all.

If this was a playgroup altercation, then fine, handle it that way. But when you're friends with the parents, it does add another layer.

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 16/05/2019 19:46

I feel quite sorry for the 16yr old... Too young to want join the adults for long, a bit old for kiddy games.

And he's been stuck with taking care of the tiny ones. Poor kid.

But that's for him and his mum to sort really.

OKBobble · 16/05/2019 19:59

Tell him he doesn't need to stay with the kods now he is an adult he can join in with the adults and leave the kids to it.

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