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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not sure I want this baby.

23 replies

FunkyColdMedina19 · 16/05/2019 14:55

I feel horrible just writing this. I've just discovered I'm pregnant (about 5 1/2 weeks) and I don't know if i'm ready for another baby.
I already have a dd 2 and I'm set to start uni in september to become a teacher. I work part time (currently in college) and dp works full time although for a rubbish wage.
We live pay check to pay check atm but quite comfortabley, ie days out with dd and are saving for a holiday etc.
I suffered with a horrific pregnancy with dd after trying to concieve for a year. I also had a missed miscarriage in september. My mental health tooka real hit when dd was born, i was diagnosed with pnd and anxiety which I still suffer from and am still on medication from. The miscarriage last year hit me hard as well but I felt like I was finally getting some of myself back with starting college. For the first time in a while I have a life that doesnt just center around being 'mummy'. I also love that I can devote all my spare time to my daughter and after a rocky start, I love all the time I spend with her. Shes the light of my life and I dont know if i feel ready to have to share my time.
I'm not sure how my dp feels, hes said hes scared and worried financially but happy, however I'm not sure if hes said that because he thinks this is what I want. If we keep this baby then we'd have to move to a bigger house and I just dont know if im ready.
However more kids was always part of our plan and im sure we'd survive if another one comes along.

Im just so confused atm Sad

OP posts:
youngfreeandnotsingle · 16/05/2019 15:03

Don't really have any advice but I didn't want to read and run. You've still got plenty of time to think about it, do whatever is best for you OP Flowers

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/05/2019 15:10

I don't have any answers, but could you sit down with your DP and be totally open about all your concerns? They're all valid. And as said above, you have plenty of time to decide what YOU want to do.

Original poster
FunkyColdMedina19 · 16/05/2019 15:18

Thank you both, I'm going to sit down with dp tonight and talk properly about it. I'm just holing he wont be upset

OP posts:
DerrenBrownings · 16/05/2019 15:20

I dont mean this rudely but do you not use contraception? If you decide not to go ahead with this pregnancy and get on with uni etc I'd have a talk with your GP and DP around contraception as well so this wont happen again. In the mean time only you can decide what's best for your family along with your DP.

Original poster
FunkyColdMedina19 · 16/05/2019 15:24

I'm on the pill but suffer with ibs so when i have a flare up we use condoms as well to be extra cautious but obviously we've slipped up somewhere along the line. We had a rare night out together and I'm thinking we may have got carried away when we got home.

OP posts:
Namastbae · 16/05/2019 15:32

Just to give one perspective.

I got pregnant when my first was a few months old. I sounded like you in your post. It wasn't the right time but I found it hard as we did eventually want two. Financially it would've been pretty catastrophic and I too was still suffering from PNA. We decided to have an abortion when I was just under 6 weeks pregnant.

It was right for us. I now have two kids, we are financially fine and my mental health is 100% better. I love my life.

I'm not saying you should do this, just wanted to share my experience as it sounds similar.

Namastbae · 16/05/2019 15:34

And also, don't feel you need to explain your contraception to anyone. We all know full well you can be careful and have accidents happen. People who ask that are being judgemental - pure and simple.

Liverbird77 · 16/05/2019 15:40

No one can tell you what to do.
Ultimately, it's your decision.
My own view is that I wouldn't let teacher training stop me. It is just a job, training can be postponed and it doesn't come near to the satisfaction of being a mum.
If you anticipate mental health issues, you could raise this with your midwife/Dr and get support all the way through.
The pregnancy itself is just months long, and will have a definite end. I would put up with it to get the baby at the end. Having a sibling may be really positive for your child.
I know many people will disagree with my view, and I respect that, along with women's rights to choose.
Best wishes to you.

Nesssie · 16/05/2019 15:44

You don't have to have this baby. You can terminate and then try again when the timing is right and you feel more stable.
No shame in not being ready right now.

Coolegary1 · 16/05/2019 15:49

Oh gosh I always feel sad reading these posts. Your Rocky start with your DD really is proof that what may seem insurmountable doesn't always end up that way. I know too well that feeling of 'phew the next stage of my life is beginning "only to find out I was pregnant at 42!!
Fast forward 4 years and my DS is also the light of our lives. The other siblings love him too.
For the whole pregnancy I was numb. For the first two years he had SR and I literally wore him in a sling all day. Other stressful situations such as my late mum with cancer and so on . Sometimes I felt like my head was on constant spin.
But in a lifetime, 1or 2 years is nothing and goes by so fast.
I'm now ready for retraining and going back to work when ds (who is the only one who hugs me now Smile) starts school.
Good luck op but I really hope you don't get swallowed up in doom and gloom. College will be there in 2 years but your lo won't if you end it now.

ambereeree · 16/05/2019 15:55

How old are you OP? You can always wait a couple of years before starting teacher training. If it took a year to conceive before then you need to think very carefully as termination is final.

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 16/05/2019 15:56

What Nesssie said.

You will get a lot of 'you never regret having a baby' replies, and I'm one who considered termination once too (very different circumstances) and kept the baby and don't regret it a bit, but you don't have to go ahead with this if it would stretch you too far in any way, and guilt shouldn't (IMO) come into it.

Can you talk it over with, say, an impartial advisor?

outvoid · 16/05/2019 15:58

Not coming from a place of judgement because I know all too well how easy contraceptive failures are but with your IBS flare-ups in mind, the pill probably isn’t the most effective option. If you do decide to terminate, a longer term solution such as coil, implant etc may be the way to go...

Anyway, that aside only you and your DP can decide on this one. Do not feel guilty if you decide to terminate, nobody would blame you and you’d be doing nothing wrong at all.

2toddlers · 16/05/2019 16:04

If you got pregnant in September and are pregnant again now, not to sound rude but if you aren’t wanting another child anytime soon why are you being so careless? I mean obviously if you don’t want a baby right now that’s your call do what you need to do, but I’d sort out your contraception.

Original poster
FunkyColdMedina19 · 16/05/2019 16:08

The pregnancy in september was very much wanted, we were actively trying but unfortunately my body had other plans. After the strain that put on me, i enrolled late for college to give me something to focus on and since then our plans and my life path has changed. But thanks for the judging Hmm

OP posts:
FuckYouBing · 16/05/2019 16:11

I had a termination about 18 months ago. My second child was 10 months old and my first was almost 3 when I find out I was pregnant. I was devastated! Financially it wasn't ideal and we didn't have a big enough house but we would've managed. There was no way I could cope with another child though, I was barely surviving with the 2 I had.
It is not a a decision I regret in the slightest

Original poster
FunkyColdMedina19 · 17/05/2019 08:44

We talked it over last night and while he agrees that the timing isn't great and we'll have to move house, he's asked me to take a few days to think about it. I suppose I could always defer for a year and start uni next year.
I just keep looking at my daughter and worry I'm sacrificing what we have. She finally has a stable mum and we have enough money to live comfortabley and I feel selfish if I take that away

OP posts:
FuckYouBing · 17/05/2019 11:01

I think you should take some time and think. It's a huge shock for you at the moment so you need some time to get over that. Maybe look into some counseling for your options and it might help you think more clearly.

Original poster
FunkyColdMedina19 · 21/05/2019 16:05

Just in case anyone was wondering, we've decided to keep the baby so I'm sure the next 9 months will be filled with panic posts Grin. Thanks everyone for your kind words and advice!

OP posts:
Cryalot2 · 21/05/2019 16:13

Flowers all I will say is that no two people are the same.
Take time and talk things through and be kind to yourself .
Do what is best for you.

Dontcallmebarbs · 21/05/2019 18:50

I hope you have a pleasant pregnancy and this is your rainbow baby 🌺 congratulations!

DerrenBrownings · 21/05/2019 19:28

Congratulations so pleased for you

HelloMonday · 21/05/2019 20:10

Congratulations @OP
& Best of luck

My 3rd was unexpected, very close to the 2nd DC, not good timing, finances looked like they'd be horrific...but it all worked out.
I hope your situation goes brilliantly

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