Family Dispute

[UnicornDaisy]

Myself and my husband have always had a somewhat strained relationship with BIL and his wife. We just aren’t close, don’t click somehow and the relationship blows a bit hot and cold.

A few months back my BIL took offence at something minor that I did, albeit it was accidental on my part. He made quite a big issue out of it and for my husband it was the final straw. They have caused us offence on many occasions and we’ve always just taken a step back and let it go, maybe just giving them a wide birth until we were over it so my husband was annoyed at his brothers over reaction. I attempted to resolve things with the BIL but it became quickly obvious that in his eyes I go out of my way to offend them (which I don’t!) but anything they have done was of course not deliberate and just an oversight. It was quite evident that I’m just not liked by them! He wanted to air his views on why he dislikes me then wipe the slate clean and move on but I can’t, I was really hurt by some of the things he said! Any attempt I made to express myself was shot down.

Over the last few months BIL has attempted to make contact with my husband. He won’t apologise or accept any fault but wants to draw a line under it. They have involved other family members in an attempt to make us feel guilty and back us in to a corner and have given their version of events which of course paints me as the bad guy and them as completely innocent! This has resulted in family members pressuring us to resolve things.

My husband states that he is done and wants to just leave it. I feel torn, I on one hand hate to see my husband fall out with his only sibling when he doesn’t come from a close nit family but I equally can’t see how we can all just move on like nothing has happened when it’s so obvious they don’t like me and I’m never going to get it right with them. We all have children and feel that it’s sad they will miss out on a relationship but feel it’s more harmful for them to be mixed up in such a toxic mess! In my opinion we have all made mistakes, most of which are innocent mistakes caused by poor communication but unfortunately we are the only ones willing to accept any fault. Anyone been in a similar situation? I just don’t know what to do? Get over it and drag my husband along for the ride for the sake of the wider family or just stay well clear?

When I reached ‘the end’ with a relative in a similar situation, I made sure to be smiley and even-tempered whenever anyone brought it up (looking for drama).

I’d make vague comments about how there was never a real falling out, nothing to forgive or be forgiven, just a natural mutual understanding that we weren’t socially compatible, and life was just too short for pretending. Then change the subject. Firmly.

People get bored and wander off eventually. And go on to lead a happy life, without the constant looming shadow of catch-ups with twats. Trust me, you’ll grow to love it. And your kids won’t know the difference.

Jesus Op I could have wrote your post!! Although Sil thinks she can get in on it too.

I’m quite a vocal person but really took it on the chin with BIl and Sil not to cause problems but I really wish I hadn’t now and if I bring it up again months down the line I’m going to look pettt.

I had fil sit in my living room giving me a list of reasons why bil was upset with me when actually it was him that ruined a really important event for Dh and I.

Bil refuses to apologise and Dh has just drawn a line under it because bil will not back down and dh wants to avoid a family rift - although it’s still slightly strained. Sil - the cheeky cow sent Dh a really shitty message when it has nothing to do with her but Dh didn’t tell me for weeks as he knew I’d explode.

I thought I was keeping a dignified silence but I feel like I’ve been mugged off massively. I’m not ready to move on. I don’t know what I’d say to either of them so I just avoid them both like the plague.

It infuriates me and I can spend a whole day fuming about it if I let my mind wander to it.

Sorry not much help but I know how your feeling.

Your BIL is a prick, and probably a misogynist, too - he thinks he's entitled to list all your faults to your face and you must thank him for correcting you and probably apologise on your knees. The best way to deal with people like this is minimal contact and cheerful indifference if you do have to spend any time with them 'Oh dear, still in a grump, are we? Never mind.' This also has the benefit of driving the self-righteous bully up the fucking wall, because there is nothing they can do to make you react...

It looks like your husband needs to tell his relatives that the situation is very straightforward. His brother needs to offer an unreserved apology and then you can all try playing happily extended families again. Without that apology he sees no point in having a relationship and every time his brother tries to justify his poor behaviour by badmouthing you, he only creates more things he needs to apologise for.

I would steer well clear.

Just because they are family doesn't mean you have to accept their aggression and toxicity.

I would stay NC with them totally and move on.

OP I was in a similar position a few years ago. Long story short, my husband always disliked his oldest brother for very legitimate reasons (he is a bully and very self-obsessed). It wasn't until the brother had a go at me that my husband finally snapped and said enough. My MIL was always on at us to just move on and get over it, trying to get us to go to bloody sermons on forgiveness at her church etc. but my husband just said no. He had tried many times in his life to get on with his brother but he was sick of it. I'm standing up for me, he finally had the courage to stand up for himself as well and demand to be treated with respect. We have softened our stance over the years and do attend family functions and play nice, but we never go out of our way to see or speak to BIL and SIL and our life is so much more peaceful for it.

My advice is to be guided by your husband. If he is willing to cut his brother out, let him. Life is too short to spend it with people who cause such grief. Don't feel like it is your duty to play nice. You won't ever be thanked for doing so.

OP I am in a very similar situation! DP and his brother just do not get on and both DP and I find it very difficult to be in SIL’s company as she is just so rude and horrible all the time.

At first I went down the “stay quiet for family harmony” route as I felt bad for MIL and FIL but I’ve now come to the conclusion that it’s actually for DP to decide what the relationship should be, as it’s his family.

We are now v low contact (no direct contact, just see them at wider family events, where it’s easier to smile and nod and generally keep our distance) and it’s made our lives much less stressful!

@Cottonwoolmouth Sorry to hear you're in a similar situation. I personally believe SIL is as much a part of this as BIL. I think everything he is saying is as much issues that she has but he's just the voice I guess.

I have said to DH that he should maybe go for coffee with his brother and attempt to be friends and I'll stay out the way. I've even said I'm happy for him to take the children to see his brother. I just don't massively want to be part of it. My DH has said he has no intention of seeing his brother in any capacity!

It's hard when you feel you've not had your say but in my experience it wouldn't have mattered what I had said, they had already made up their mind.

@ConkerGame Sounds like the best way and think it's best for me to do the same. Thank you

Unicorn take your Dh at his word! Leave it alone now.

My Dh has a DB - aka BoneheadBIL. He and his stbexwife were much the same as you describe. PoisonousSIL has had a fair few posts written about her over the years!

I too was harangued for my every evil, for a couple of hours and not given any chance of rebuttal. I laughed at them, which made it worse! BoneheadBIL told me I wasn't family, I had 'only married in' and was very, very angry when I pointed out that PoisinousSIL was in the same position, he tried to punch me, in my face! Saldy for him I uesd to be a kickboxercise instructor and had him pinned to a wall, hand under his chin, with him on his very tiptoes... I told him if he very tried that sober I would flatten him!

DH thought it was all too muhc, too funny and too much like hard work to continue with the relationship. So he simply stopped making first contact. We have heard from BoneheadBIL twice in 20 years: once to borrow £20K (you read that right) as he was possibly being made redundant.

And a couple of Christmases ago StonerSIL send a flag up the pole as she needed help with him. PoisonousSIL had left him and he was too drunk to be coped with. We gave then Boxing Day lunch, picked them up, dropped them home again and..... nothing since!

Sometimes you just have to let it all go. Your DH has had a whole lifetime to decide how he wants to deal with his DB. Don't let your idea of 'fair' or proper families get in the way! Just follow DHs lead.

There will be a massive backstory to this, for your husband. I think that you should support him in achieving the level of contact that He wants, for His family.