Protecting baby to come from nasty family in law

[Happyyogi]

Hi all,
This may be a bit long, so I will try to be as brief as possible.
I am married with a man who is separated from his ex-partner with whom he has two girls, aged 12 and 15. I am three-months pregnant and I am fearful that his family and even his elder daughter may harm my baby to come. I am not quite sure how to address this issue and am working hard to expatriate myself to keep his family away from me and my baby.
I have suffered constant abuse and insults from his family. He is from Tunisian-muslim background and I am French-English Christian. He doesn’t practice or forces his beliefs on me and I have made it clear that I am very happy with my religion and will never convert. So we have no problem cohabitating and have agreed not to enforce any religious belief on the child, to let him or her make the decision later on in life. However, I have constantly suffered racial and religiously intolerant comments from them, in my face and behind my back, such as : Christians are dirty, they are disgusting, they eat pig.
His sister in law pushed me nearly to the floor the first time she saw me at a wedding with my now husband (why? I have no idea).
His daughters came over our place recently. I like the younger one who has a mind of her own. However, the elder one wouldn’t even eat a bite of the food I was preparing (I prepared non-meat dishes by the way, so that there would be no issues with meat not being hallal for them), she came over with flees, but she accused me of giving them to her (again with the belief that “Christians are dirty”) and so on (smh). She has said that she doesn’t want her father to have a child with me and nearly had a nervous breakdown when we got married.
My husband’s sister has called me all sorts of violent and vulgar names (whore, dirty French, bitch, vicous, weak, ugly...) because my husband wouldn’t give her money to launch a new business (so I was, in her mind, the one responsible).
Now, I don’t really take any of this personally, because I actually obsess over hygiene and make sure everything is clean (house, food, toiletries, clothes...). I am not a whore either LOL (it’s a word I strongly disapprove of in any case, because it mostly unjustifiably attacks women and gives men a free pass). I have a PhD and I am at the beginning of my career. And I don’t consider myself to be of an extraordinary beauty, but I used to model when I was younger and turn quite a few heads in the street (even with my “gracious” pregnancy hormonal acne lol). So I know she just wants to try and hurt me. Tbh, I was hurt in the beginning, because I have always been nice with her. I felt really sorry for her, because her husband cheated on her, hit her and buggered off to Tunisia leaving her with the kids. I constantly defended her and offered my help. I couldn’t understand how someone could just smile and pretend to be so nice in front of you, and think the meanest things of you in reality. She is a two-faced POS.
When we visited his family in Tunisia, some members were apparently casting evil spells on my husband because he got married with a non-muslim foreigner and couldn’t send his money to them. Now, I don’t really believe in spells, but I just think it’s a pathetic attitude, when I have always been kind and polite with everyone. Btw, his relatives all live at his uncle’s, don’t pay rent, apparently work, the sons have the newest Iphones and designer trainers, but they expect my husband to send them money. I have an Iphone 6 and don’t ever consider spending more than 200 euros on a phone. I don’t wear designer clothes, because I know you are mostly paying for the brand (models, photographers, publicity...).
My husband’s brothers and sisters have ALL robbed him of money and only phone him when they need something.
Now, I really can’t stand his family anymore. I am appalled by their behavior and don’t want to be anywhere near those people. I just feel so sorry for my husband who is a kind-hearted man (and a bit naive tbh) and they have constantly taken advantage of him. He realizes this now and is keeping his distances and doesn't send them money anymore (except for his daughters of course).
However, I am worried for my future child. I don’t want his family anywhere near us. I will be his/her mother, and it is my duty to protect my innocent child.

Am I being unreasonable to refuse any contact between my child and his family?
The issue is of course different with my step-daughters. I can’t exclude them from our lives, they need their daddy and to feel more stability, having separated parents. I have always been kind with them and took them on holiday and helped them out with some issues (it's important to behave as the adult and rise above). But I am so worried because of the older one. I can't allow the younger one to be with the baby and tell the older one to back off (the older one is already very jealous of her younger sister and is very mean with her). However, my gut tells me to never let the elder one unsupervised near my baby to come. I fear she might do something bad. What do you think?

I am sorry this is so long. There are many other forms of verbal abuse I have had to go through, that I will spare you here. Any advice would be welcome.

Thank you for reading me.

Sorry I have no advice but didn’t want to read and walk. It sounds like a terrible situation and I think you’re right to want to keep your child away from the family. 💐 good luck with your pregnancy

I think it is entirely reasonable to never leave your child unsupervised with his daughters, and very easy too. I actually wouldn't tell him you're planning this, just ensure it doesn't happen (I do just this with DH's youngest and our DD - something about him makes me very nervous so I never leave them alone together, and before I get shot down for that I work with victims of child sexual abuse and will always trust my gut with these things).

How does your husband feel about you/baby not having contact with his family? Have you discussed it at all?

Is he still Islamically married to his ex? Sounds like it for his family to hate him and you so much. Regarding his daughters I think it’s reasonable to have ground rules when they come your house - if they don’t respect you or your child they don’t come over. At the end of the day all that matters is their dad sees them regularly — that doesn’t have to be at your house.

Thank you for taking the time to read my post and for your responses.
I also think that it’s important to go with the gut. Each time I haven’t, something bad happened. So I will follow your advice.
Yes, we have talked about it. There are many members of his own family that he doesn’t talk to anymore because of what I previously stated and he doesn’t want these people next to our future child.
It’s just that I broke down in tears today when he said he would be happy that his uncle in Tunisia sees our child. His uncle is actually a really nice person. He is the only one who has been kind with me and never asked for anything. It’s just that he takes in under his roof many other family members who have been quite vicious towards us (including the ones who were casting the “spells”.) I don’t want to sound paranoid (I don’t believe in spells), but I wouldn’t feel comfortable there, I wouldn’t eat the food they prepare (I worked as a waitress when I was younger, and I have seen workers spit in food and other atrocities) and if they asked me if they could touch or hold the baby, I would say no, however rude that is.
I suggested we rented a nice hotel room with a living room in Tunisia for a few days a receive his uncle there, but I could sense my husband was hurt that I was so distrustful of his family. He tried to convince me otherwise, but then the tears run...

Well, your husband will just have to get over the hurt. And for starters, I wouldn't be taking the baby to Tunisia AT ALL, and I mean that. If the uncle wants to see the baby then he has to come to the UK (i assume that's where you are?). But don't take the baby there! Once you're on their home turf you're under their rules, whether that's legal or not. They won't care. Stay out of the country!

Hi Teddybear45,
No he didn't get married to her under islamic wedding, he is non practising, but I did agree to such a wedding, which I think only made his ex partner more bitter and the daughter must have picked up on it (the wife doesn't need to be muslim in the islamic wedding, as long as she follows one of the religions of the Book, so she can be christian or jewish).

The wife doesn’t need to be, but there is immense pressure for your kids to be (like Christianity and Judaism in Islam there is a duty for the child to follow their Muslim parent into religion). If you think the hatred is bad now it will become worse if your child isn’t raised as Muslim; taking them to Tunisia is a very bad idea.

Hi Nearlythere1,
I also get this apprehension. I really trust my husband not to do anything vicious like taking the child away from me or anything. He was born and raised in France, he is super integrated, has a lot of respect for women and is really open-minded. His family actually considers him to be amoral and weak because he calls me "mon amour" (my love) and he has a gay friend (smh).
But I got serious food poisining there a few years back and I know it's definitly not safe for an infant, so even if I considered taking my child there, it would have to be after he or she is 8 or 9. But I also feel that the uncle should come over to Europe to visit the baby.

How often do your dh’s girls come over.

Personally I would be looking at moving out for the days and nights they are with their df or preferably their df goes elsewhere to stay with them.

I certainly wouldn’t want the eldest anywhere near your dc. I would also be frightened of her doctoring an item that you or your dc uses if they are in your home.

Unfortunately although the uncle is very nice he chooses to keep company with people who aren’t and for that I wouldn’t go anywhere near him

I would also never go to Tunisia again.

Unfortunately a friend had a similar issue with her Dp.

His eldest Dd made it clear that she did not approve of friend having a baby with her father (also a racist reason).
Friend decided the only way forward was to leave.

Friend loved her Dp but could not separate his Dd from their lives if she stayed and she had to protect her dc.

@Teddybear45 I completely agree with you. This is also why I want to keep some distance between my elder step daughter and my baby to be. I know she will try to force her ideas.
Basically, because of all these issues, that's why I am working super hard to land a job abroad.
I am relieved to know that I am not being unreasonable on this.

Hi Oliversmumsarmy,
I am so sorry to hear that happened to your friend. I hope that she is happier now that she is out of this toxic environment, but being treated in such a way, based on racism and on the intolerance of your family in law is very damaging.
Was the daughter in law living her farther and your friend?
Luckily for me, my daughter in law lives 700 km away from us and my husband knows that any cohabitation between us won't work. I felt horrible, but I said I wouldn't have a child with him if his daughter in law moved to our place, which is already very small. I was just being honest, if she lived with us and I had a child, I would also leave.

Op, you sound frightened and under threat. Trust your instincts and take precautions to protect yourself. Are your own family helpful? Have you told them what is going on?

The daughter was an adult.

The daughter was an adult.

I think your biggest problem is that although your dh doesn't practise his religion, he sounds very enmeshed with his family and unable to protect you from them.

He should be able to recognise the threat to you and your dc rather than try and encourage you to travel to Tunisia. I would find it hard to trust a man who was keen to prioritise his extended family over his partner and child.

Hi @DuckbilledSplatterPuff
Thank you, I will definitely trust my instincts. The comments have been in line with my instincts and it is so reassuring and helpful to read them.
I am frightened, because I have seen my family in law's violence (both verbal and physical) and intolerance. I can fight back (even though it has worn me down and made me very anxious), but I couldn't forgive myself if I subjected my future child to such abuse.
Thankfully, yes, my parents live not so far from me and my child will at least be lucky to know them (they are charming, very kind and have always treated my husband like a son. DH said that it was the first time he felt like a member of a true family). They are helpful, but I don't think they get how bad it is. For a time, I didn't want to worry them, so they don't understand how things got so bad. My mother gets it, but my farther sort of brushes it a bit off. He says I should make compromises for my husband, but he doesn't realize that even my husband is suffering from this abuse and I haven't stopped compromising with my family in law LOL (until recently).

@Oliversmumsarmy
That's appalling that an adult would have such an attitude. You would think that as an adult, a person would move on to build their own life instead of spending time poisoning some one else's.
I am really sorry for your friend.

Hi @MrsBobDylan
I do agree that the husband has a big role to play to set boundaries. I think that his biggest issue until now has been a certain naivety towards his family. He didn't suspect that they could be so bad. But, he has really stepped up for me and defended me.
I just think its rather foolishness that guided his idea of going to Tunisia. His uncle is his farther-like figure (his parents are currently out of the picture). I trust him on his good intentions, but not always on his clairvoyance. In any case, I just talked to him about Tunisia and he agrees that his uncle should visit us, not the other way around.
Thank's everyone for the advice.

You say you got married in an Islamic ceremony. I hope that you had the sense to have a civil ceremony as well to tie up the legal side, either in the UK or France, otherwise you are leaving yourself wide open legally.

Do not, under any circumstances, take your child to Tunisia.

Op, i'm really glad to hear that your husband has supported you in not going to Tunisia!
Now, you need to get him to discipline that daughter of his!

You’re not going to get much support on here using words like ‘retarded’ and ‘nut job’.

I wouldnt go to Tunisia and I would split up with my dh if he let people treat me like this the daughter included.
The whole situation is completly toxic.

I think you need to ensure your child and you for that matter are protected from this family. It sounds like you have your work cut out! Talk to your husband and make sure he understands what you are going through with them. I would also suggest for safety you do not visit he family overseas with your baby as the rights of mothers are often limited, your husband may lovely but many kids are being held in Muslim countries by fathers and even extended families "to protect the child" courts have given custody to grandparents even (don't know about Tunisia specifically, the case I read about was in Saudi.

If it's possible, nc except with step kids would be far better

If you would be paying for a hotel room and flights for you all to Tunisia you should just pay for the flight and have the uncle come to stay with you.

It makes way more sense and means you aren’t exposed to any risks (food or family related!)
It would also be a cold day in hell before I took any child of mine to Tunisia in the circumstances you describe.