To not know how I fit into new family dynamic

[NotWithTheProgramme]

NC for this. I have been umming and ahhing whether to post about it, but finally accepted that I actually really would appreciate some help and your suggestions. Will be vague in certain parts - apologies, would hate to be identified.

My teenage DSD has moved in with my DH and I about six months ago. She and I have always had a great relationship, but I have always been firmly in the ‘friend’ camp, always keeping my opinions to myself regarding parenting decisions (whatever my private opinion was) and unwaveringly supporting DH and his Ex-P choices, as you would expect. As far as I’m concerned she has two involved parents and definitely didn’t need another.

Her relationship with her mum and stepdad is currently choppy, and they are not speaking at the moment. DH and I are trying to convince DSD that going NC is a very big decision that shouldn’t be taken lightly, and supporting all however we can but currently it is a tricky situation for all.

Now she’s been here a while and is more settled, I’m wondering if I need to maintain the ‘friend’ route, or start being more ‘parent-y’? Whilst she is generally really well behaved, I am under no rose-tinted illusions that she is a teenager and can be a right bugger, and I don’t want to make a rod for anyones back in the long term by letting her get away with murder. My DH does step up, but it’s me she tends to turn to with queries/requests/letters from school etc.

I don’t want to let anyone down by not stepping up to the plate and providing the support, love and guidance she needs, but also want to make it clear that she does still have a mum who loves her, and that I’m in no way trying to fill that role.

What do I do? Where do I fit in here?

(Sorry if this is all over the place, I’m a bit all over the place about it all tbh!)

Not sure, OP.
I am inclined to think: I love you, I want what’s best for you, but I am not your parent, off you go to your Dad’s with the school slips etc. Not because you’re not stepping up to the plate or anything, purely because I’m wary of manipulation attempts (from your DSD’s part. I have a teenage DD and I’m not with her dad, the scheming and the manipulation of the situation are spectacular here).
HTH

Can’t speak from experienced, but as a previously teenage child with a stepparent I think it’s fine and expected for you to take on some level of parental care, as in disciplining her if she behaves terribly or requesting she do things like chores or picking up after herself, that sort of thing. Think of it more like you’re the adult in the house with a child and you’re capable of requiring respect from her (which should be mutual). It might help if you give an example of times when you maybe have dodged a parental role where one was necessary?

Re dodging parental roles... She talks to her friends on the phone completely openly with me sat next to her - language is appalling and her dad would hit the roof. I let it slide occasionally as I hear a hell of a lot of what is going on and this way we’ve had ‘intel’ on all sorts of things (peer pressure around sex, smoking, who’s bullying who etc) that I’ve been able to tackle in lighthearted friendly chats at a later date, which seems to work well.

I don’t have children so can only go on my gut instinct rather than knowledge, but at this early stage, whilst learning about HER and what impacts her, I felt that gathering some information was more important that clamping down on swearing. But I don’t know if I made the right call?!?

Well, does swearing bother you? As it doesn’t bother me at all and I’d have no issue with that and wouldn’t want to pretend I did just because her dad does, she’s old enough to understand both of you are separate people, it’s not like mixed discipline messages with small children!

Swearing wasn’t an issue for me growing up and I don’t think i’ll be particularly fussed about my own kids swearing when they’re older, as long as they understand when is and isn’t appropriate to swear. It’s also a bit silly to expect a sixteen year old to modify her natural way of speaking to her friends.

So don’t discipline for the sake of it, but if theres good reason to will you feel able to?

Sorry think I assumed she was sixteen, how old is she? My advice doesn’t change even if she’s thirteen so guess it isn’t relevant.

This is a really tough one. I don't have SC but I have been the SC numerous times - Mother married a few times. I can safely say that the SD I have the best relationship with was the one that I lived with during my teenage years. He was firm but fair. I understood that while the house belonged to him and my Mum, he was of the position that we all have to live there and that I should still be respectful. I had a fab relationship with him but, as you can appreciate, I was a nightmare at times - sullen teenager who didn't want to live with Mum and SD at times. That said, I'm now 30 and have a better relationship with him than with my own Mother...they split a few years ago now.
I would suggest that if you feel really strongly about something, then do step in, but it never hurts to let her know that you're here, you're somewhat impartial and reassure her that your home is a safe space for her to be in however, rules are there to keep everyone safe and happy.
It sounds like you have built a good relationship with your SD already so I wouldn't worry too much. From experience, if everything is up and down for your SD, having someone who is balanced but kind is just what she needs.

@Emerald - I agree re swearing not being a huge deal, but I don’t think she’d have done it in front of mum or dad... she’s a young teen too, so whilst I fully expected her to be a gobby little twat with her friends, I was a little shocked by it in front of an adult. Maybe I’m naive, but I really am clueless here! (Can you tell !)

Age matters here. Your role with a 13yo and a 17yo would be very different.

Sorry, am being irrationally paranoid.

She’s 13

if you'd like to maintain the friend/parent line, perhaps think of how you'd treat an au pair or a niece staying, they'd be expected to follow house rules, but big decisions aren't your domain.

Would definitely not be happy with swearing. I’m not naive enough to think that teens don’t swear when with friends, but it’s awful listening to kids swearing, and I’ve never put up with it in my home. And absolutely not from a 13 year old.

She’s 13 and there is peer pressure around sex and smoking. Fucking hell.

What is the school like? What is her social group like? Why has a 13 year old got such a bad relationship with one parent they’ve moved out?

Sounds a bit JC.

Or even Jk. Not jezza Corbyn 😂

My Step-dad was awesome when I was a teen. Not quite a parent but not simply a friend either. What he did:

• decisions on big parenting stuff (school trips, when we were allowed to pubs etc) weren't up to him
• littler rules were enforced (like swearing, clearing up after ourselves etc)
• he did his fair share of little parenting kindnesses (lifts to places, suggesting treats etc)

I don't have DSC, but have DDs (and DH and I are still together) so I'm coming at this from a different perspective; imagining if DH and I split and my DDs were living with their DF and DSM.

I think I would hope that as a first step, you - as the DSM - would speak to their Dad about it, perhaps then both arranging to meet up with her Mum so you can all agree a strategy going forward, without the risk of 'overstepping' (which you seem - quite rightly imo - keen to avoid), and then you'll be able to have input into how much actual parenting you and her parents are comfortable with you doing.

It would be a shame for you to lose the lack of inhibitions your DSD has around you atm, as it sounds like it's helping you guys to keep up with things that are going on in her life, without her having to explicitly spell them out to you. I wouldn't like the swearing from a 13 yo either, but I'd probably just say "Language!" when I first heard her swear on a phone call, to register my disapproval, then leave it, rather than start a battle over it - I'm sure there will be bigger issues further down the line!

I was close to my DSD growing up (happily, I still am!) and I used to confide in him more that I did my DM as a teenager. He tended not to get involved in discipline, which as a parent myself now, I think was a total cop out on his part as it meant that my DM always had to be the Bad Guy, whilst he got to be the Fun Parent.

I think you should be involved in parenting your DSD - I think you should be for anyone under 18 who lives in your home - but I think the level of involvement should be discussed and agreed between you and her parents. I think it's lovely that you're clearly giving this so much thought and that you obviously care about maintaining a good relationship with your DSD - it sounds as if she's lucky to have you!

I wouldn't do official school stuff, signing slips and so on. You're not a legal guardian, and I think that would be inappropriate.

For the rest, I would be clear with your DP what the expected behaviour in the household is, and the two of you both enforce the same standards, e.g. re. swearing or whatever.

random thoughts
The situation isn't either parent or friend, there are lots of other in between stages.

You are an adult, she is a child.
In the absence of a parent you are in loco parentis regardless of official relationship.
Ideally discussion between you and her parent(s) preferably both, what your role is and how far it extends.
Following this another discussion explaining decisions made to DSD - so no excuses later for 'you can't tell me what to do'.
Then hopefully a chance for you and her to discuss how she (and to an extent you) see the relationship/balance