AIBU to feel a little uncomfortable?

[SisyphusHadItEasy]

Just a caveat, I had a terrible relationship with my late mother, so this may be contributing to my hesitation in this...

DH's parents, who I love dearly, just sold their house and are in the process of moving into a flat. They have given us quite a lot of furniture that they did not want to move with - and the things we are replacing with their gifts are going into storage for our DCs when they move out on their own. I am having a tough time accepting these gifts, but understand the spirit in which they were given.

DH just told me that his DF has just offered us a very large (to us) amount of money as essentially an advance on inheritance, partially for us to avoid inheritance tax when the time comes. It would allow us to put down 35-40% on a house in the area we hope to settle permanently. DF says that their flat is only meant to be temporary - he figures in 5 years they will be in a care home or dead anyways (DFiL is 85, DMiL is 84).

While this gift would mean a lot to us, I am hesitant to accept it. I want them to have the money they need for good - there have been family members who have lived to nearly 100. As a likely throwback to my relationship with my of blood relatives, I am also hesitant because I don't want to be beholden to them. We have a fantastic relationship, and I don't want money to foul it.

Frankly, we would not be in a position to purchase a house for ourselves for the better part of a year or two, anyhow. I have a year left on my engineering degree, and it would be silly to move before I had established stable employment afterwards.

Please help me, oh hive mind of vipers - have I lost the plot?

If they are lovely and it's without strings take it, and make sure you don't forget about them if they need your support as they get older

Care homes are vv expensive. I would worry they might need it for that, and times 2!

Also, I think there might be an issue with gifting money within 7 years of decease..may still be liable to inheritance tax... better check this!

I might be wrong and hopefully someone will correct me if so but I think there are laws around this, if they are seen to be disposing of their assets to avoid paying care costs, your house bought with the money could end up being taken. I think there's a 7 year rule. I might be wrong though!

It’s a lovely gesture from them and they obviously know it will benefit you to have it soo we rather than later. They may want to get financial advice first though, if it’s a significant amount of money and they do need to go into care homes at some point they may find that the council will count it as deprivation of capital, think they also need to live for 7 years after giving a gift for it not to be considered for inheritance tax.

Get absolutely anything in writing. For your protection and theirs.

I think I would accept it to potentially limit inheritance tax, but definitely not put it down as a deposit on a house. You need to be able to access that money in case 1) they need it for care or 2) they die within 7 years and you end up handing 40% of it back in tax.

Thank you about the tax laws. We are in Canada, and that had never even occurred to me.

I was very much concerned that, if they do give us this money and live longer than they think they will, it could lead to a lot of trouble.

Admittedly, the no strings attached is hard for me to come to terms with - but that is me, not them.

I just verified the gift vs. inheritance in Canada...

Laws here are different, and so the 7 year rule does not apply.

However... it still makes me uneasy. It is their money.

If it is given with love and will not be used to control you, then accept it. You can put it somewhere safe and not spend it straight away. Rejecting their gift may offend them and it does sound like they want to help you.

You aren’t being unreasonable to be a little uncomfortable. But that doesn’t mean you would be reasonable to reject what, on the face of it, seems like a generous and loving offer.

Can you talk through your concerns with first of all your DH and then your PIL? Do they know enough about your relationship with your late mother to empathise with that discomfort too? And are you still reeling from the surprise of the offer?

Is there a way to let all of this settle and then talk it over - with appropriate, impartial, legal and financial advice? If so, that would be my preferred course of action; but we’re all different people.

Wishing you all the best.

What does your DH think?

My parents are a similar age and are enjoying ‘giving away’ their money ... they want to be able to see their children and grandchildren enjoying it now. They do have separate funds for potential nursing home fees etc. I have learned to accept gracefully. .

Would it make you uneasy after they died? It’s a gift from them, just before death rather than after.

If you are concerned they might need it, take it and stick it in a savings account. Then you can help them out if they need it.

What Yabbers said. My mother gifted all of us, her children, money before she died (also not in the UK). My parents have apparently looked through all the various options and they don’t think they’ll need it to pay for care for my father if/when it comes to it, but I’ve decided to invest the money rather than spend it so it will be there if my dad does need it. Can you do that?

If you invested it in a house in a number of years time could you not extend your mortgage to release that money back?

What are the arrangements for care costs in Canada? Perhaps they don’t want all their money spent on that and want to see it spent on your future?

I’d take it. I wouldn’t even worry about paying it back tbh- worst case you’ll have to sell the house to do so and you’re back where you started but 7 years on.

No offence but I imagine they want to do this for their son and probably not massively considering you. As long as there are no strings attached I would support if