AIBU to not want in law visits every week with no warning?

[HiJuice]

FIL keeps coming round every week or so (sometimes more often) and never lets us know he is coming. He is pretty obnoxious and his conversation is a string of sexist remarks and criticisms, usually exactly the same each time he comes. Occasionally he will vary it with a bit of racist or homophobic banter.
I'm getting really resentful of having to drop everything and pretend to be polite when I would happily never see him again.
Obviously he's my husband's father, so to some extent I have to tolerate him. I can cope with him a few times a year at family occasions. But it's this feeling that my home is going to be invaded and I never know when that is getting really stressful. I always feel really stressed/depressed for ages after he's gone because he is just so unpleasant.

DH would also rather he came less often but he says there's no point saying anything as FIL will take no notice. It's starting to cause a bit of friction between us.
We are also expecting a baby and I can just see that FIL is going to keep appearing when I am in a vulnerable state and I am worried (a) that it's going to be hugely stressful and ruin what should be a happy time and (b) that I will end up losing it with him completely. The last couple of times he's been round things have been barely civil - I just can't bring myself to sit and smile politely when he's coming out with all this crap. I try to carry on with what I'm doing but he seeks me out. A couple of times he has come I have been out, but he has just come round the next day as well! He has the hide of a rhino (or maybe he gets a kick out of winding me up - I know he dislikes my brother in law and does everything he can to make life awkward for him so maybe he's going the same way with me).
If this was my own parents I would have no problem with asserting myself but I can't say anything to DH's dad (and he probably wouldn't listen anyway).
Any advice on how to handle this (or become a bit more zen about the situation)?

Next time he’s homophobic or racist tell him you will not tolerate it and show him the door. Fact he’s your FIL is irrelevant. Job done

My FIL is also unpleasant. My DH told me and DC to go upstairs the first time he dropped in (after moving to our area) and told his father to leave. He has tried to drop by a few times but I just tell him it’s not a good time and closethe door. You don’t have to entertain him. If your DH is there leave him to deal with him. If it’s just you just tell him it’s not convenient.

Tell him, or get your bloody husband to tell him to stop coming round uninvited!!!

If he knocks then tell him it's not convenient and visits need arranging in advance.

You must assert yourself if your husband is unwilling. I wouldn’t want my child to hear what he’s been saying - it would normalise it. Kids pick up on a lot more than you realise.
You have to stop the visits - say you Need some notice before he comes around . Just do not let him in! Your husband must support this as I know it will be very hard to stand up to him.
He must be very lonely though - can you suggest to your husband that he goes to visit his father on his own? Maybe take him for some activities (like golf or whatever)? Make him feel wanted but not on your turf?

I'd say winding you up as a power play. If so, he will absolutely love it if you explode at him. There is no quick fix, no magic words. All you can do is be so boringly unavailable that he gets bored of the game at fucks off to bother someone else. Shit stirrers like a reaction. No reaction and they stir harder for a while but then get bored and fuck off.

I would have a plan to never be in the house with him. Do that trick of always answering the door in your coat so you can pretend you were just going out, turn him away, drive round the block or whatever and come back when he's gone.

I'd count on having to "be out" for a good 10-20 attempted visits consecutively, i.e. not a single success for him at getting through the door. For extra zen make it a game with yourself: he doesn't cross the threshold for X days.

When he moans about it, ignore. When DH moans because FIL moaned, look a bit confused and ignore. Maybe suggest DH pops round to see his dad if they are so keen to see each other.

You'll just have to tell him like it is. If he's got the hide of a rhinoceros, it's no good trying to be diplomatic. "Sorry FIL, it's not convenient atm. I'm too busy to listen to your sexist and racist remarks. You'll have to go somewhere else".

God this takes me back to a previous relationship where my ex's whole family (parents and grandparents) would roll around every Saturday morning without fail. I couldn't have a lie in and had to get up and listen to their incessant sexist, racist, drivel and smile while doing so. I remember his grandad once commenting on how rough I looked because I'd not had chance to get a shower snd put my face on. I don't miss those days, nip it in the bud if you can.

Get your coats in quick and be going out!!!

Just tell him not to turn up without calling first and then the next time he does it unannounced don't open the door to him. Eventually (hopefully) he will get the message.

Do you say anything when he makes racist/homophobic comments?

There is no easy way to fix this.
You have to make your views clear to your DP and his father.
If your DP does not support you. You have bigger concerns, going forward.
Best of luck.

The reason it's difficult is because of Dh - if I was in on my own I'd just ignore the bell. DH always lets him in then moans about him afterwards. DH has conflicted feelings about him - I think most people want to believe there's some good in their parents. However he's not keen enough to arrange to meet him elsewhere.
I have told FIL I'm not listening to his racist ranting before but it does not change his behaviour the next time.
I think the only thing that will work is DH telling him not to come round, and then us not letting him in for the several times he will persist after that - probably resulting in unpleasant doorstep confrontation.

Yes - have told him it's not acceptable but he doesn't listen and doesn't care so it has no effect! Walked out of a family dinner once it got so bad but it's like water off a duck's back

Every time he says something racist/sexist/homophobic: “That’s racist/sexist/homophobic, FIL, I’ve told you before I don’t want that in my home.” Then leave the room.

When he leaves: “Next time you’re thinking of callimg round, please ring first to see if it’s convenient.”

You can't stop him being racist. That's who he is.

Maybe instead focus on protecting yourself from the constant wear of objecting to his -isms or feeling guilty for not objecting robustly. It's hard enough now but my goodness when you've had the baby the last thing you need is more emotional drain.

You can't control DH. He has to go on his own journey of enlightenment.

You can control your exposure to FIL. Make a big effort on reducing your own contact with FIL, which probably means inconveniencing yourself by going out when you don't want to go out and by losing time with your DH.

Make sure it is DH having the most angst over FIL visits. You quietly removing yourself every time will help.

Prep DH by saying the stress is bad for you and the baby so you have to spend pretty much zero time with FIL, of course you understand if he wants to spend the time with his dad, so you'll go out if DH decides to hang out at home with FIL.

DH would also rather he came less often but he says there's no point saying anything as FIL will take no notice.

Who is answering the door and letting him in?

Stop answering the door every time he turns up. Only open at the frequency that you are prepared to see him. He will soon get the idea if you stick to it.

Send dh off out with him. Tell them both you are busy, if dh wants to be a doormat it's an outdoor one..

You're going to have a child you surely don't want hearing the racist and sexist stuff.
So, it's not good enough to just tell him, you and dh especially MUST show him the door as soon as he opens his mouth with this crap.
Make it a 3 strikes or you're out rule and ban him from coming back if he doesn't change his ways.
Tell him you don't want your child growing up with it, and he's offending you and dh.
It's abusive behaviour, and he's doing it deliberately don't stand for it.

Thanks all some good suggestions there. Feel better about it already.

Can't you just do something else when he comes? Take yourself off upstairs, go for a bath or even go out? (Assuming DH is there, of course).

Does he just walk in? I couldn't stand that. If he knocks on the door, pass your husband his coat and tell him to go out for half an hour. Every single time.