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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

3 year old hit nursery staff!

25 replies

TheFastandCurious · 15/05/2019 13:59

Looking for advice. DD3 was playing with some binoculars at nursery and broke them. Nursery worker gently takes them off her and 3 year old goes nuts. Massive tantrum which results in her giving the nursery worker a massive wallop in the face!

I’m so shocked (but not overly surprised) and was very apologetic. They were lovely but I had to fill in a ‘behaviour form’.

The thing is, I’m not sure how to control what happens at nursery.

For context my DH and I have two older DC who have turned out lovely, very well behaved at both school and home. DC 3 arrived and really challenged us. Absolutely horrendous two’s, didn’t care about consequences but eventually we got there. She is now a dream at home and for her nanna (who takes her one day a week) but we know how to deal with her. We are obviously more firm with her at home than they can be at nursery and we would have reacted more strongly had she hit anyone in our company (no we don’t smack or scream before anyone misinterprets that).

She goes back for a full day Friday and I really don’t know how to handle it. I want to nip this in the bud. I have spoken to her but this post is getting too long but she’s 3 and not really getting it.

How would you handle this?

OP posts:

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 15/05/2019 14:01

Can you talk to her key worker about the strategies you use at home, if transferrable to a nursery setting? Consistency with responses might help her?

LoafofSellotape · 15/05/2019 14:03

It happened at nursery so I'm sure they dealt with it there and then and they will have been suitably firm.

You've spoken to her ,move on now and don't blow this into something bigger than it is. IF it happens again then you need to sort out a plan of action.

cakeandchampagne · 15/05/2019 14:03

Just wondering what “we would have reacted more strongly” means?

Confusedbeetle · 15/05/2019 14:05

She is three, you cannot get her to behave remotely or by talking to her. She has learned boundaries at home and will learn them at nursery. Talk to the staff and as them how they deal with tantrums and/ or bad behaviour. If you are ok with their methods, support them and leave them to it. Any consequences need to be immediate so you cannot help and should not punish her afterwards, Certainly some children are more challenging and take longer to accept what is acceptable behaviour.

Maryann1975 · 15/05/2019 14:06

I don’t think you need to do anything further. I’m a childminder and whilst it is not ideal that your child hit a member of staff, it does sometimes happen. As long as you were apologetic and the staff can see you are trying to help your daughter with her behaviour, I don’t think there is anything you can do.
I remember a child scratching me, really deeply all down my face, on the last day before we broke up for Christmas. The parents laughed out loud, they weren’t bothered. I and all the other staff were privately furious with them for their attitude, so as long as you didn’t react as they did, I shouldn’t worry to much unless it starts to become a regular occurrence.

Confusedbeetle · 15/05/2019 14:06

Reacting strongly is not an option. Consistency is.

hazeyjane · 15/05/2019 14:08

They should have a behaviour policy that sets out their over arching ethos wrt behaviour, but ultimately different children and different circumstances will need different approaches.

If they or you don't feel confident in how it was handled, or feel there should be a different approach you need to sit down and talk to them about it.

I have been hit, bitten and kicked in work...it happens!

Original poster

TheFastandCurious · 15/05/2019 14:08

Well they sort of do do the same things “saying no that’s not acceptable” (but in a much less firm way) taking her away from toys (we would remove them and tell her why) and talking about other ways to deal with frustration.

They said that of course they can’t be as firm with her at nursery. I don’t know whether I should accept it’s not that bigger deal at 3 or whether this is going to be a pattern if they don’t get a bit tougher.

OP posts:

coffee675 · 15/05/2019 14:10

Parrot I would accept it's not a huge deal. I would personally feel mortified, annoyed and embarrassed but what she is doing isn't 'bad'. I'd instead focus on helping her expressing herself and smoothly transitioning between activities.

NuffSaidSam · 15/05/2019 14:12

Presumably some or all of the staff are qualified and at least some of them must have a bit of experience?

They know how to deal with a stroppy three year old.

Leave them to it.

It's not a massive deal. She lost control and lashed out. She's 3. It happens!

Namestheyareachangin · 15/05/2019 14:13

I really don't understand how you are 'being more firm' than they can be at nursery if as you say you don't hit or shout. What exactly is it you do that nursery staff are uncomfortable replicating?

Original poster

TheFastandCurious · 15/05/2019 14:15

Just wondering what “we would have reacted more strongly” means?

Just so there is no confusion on this, if she had hit someone at home we would have got down to her level, put out hands on her arms (so she’s looking at us) and said firmly (not shouting) “NO that is UNACCEPTABLE behaviour.” We would have then removed her from the fun she was having (garden, toy, whatever. She would then have a little cry.

After she calms down we have a cuddle and a chat about why that behaviour was really not ok. Asked how she felt and how she thinks the other person might have felt. So, “Why did you hit A? You were angry? You can’t hit people when you’re angry. Next time you’re angry do (etc etc) It hurts others when you hit. If you do that again you won’t be allowed to ...,(etc etc) We are consistent and it works. She has gone from a terror to a great, happy little girl at home.

Today has been a shock.

OP posts:

Namestheyareachangin · 15/05/2019 14:18

None of that sounds like things they can't do at nursery. What are their methods for dealing with these situations that are different?

SoCallMeMaybe · 15/05/2019 14:18

I think you’re overreacting a bit 😕

Original poster

TheFastandCurious · 15/05/2019 14:20

Thanks maryann no I certainly did not laugh I was mortified and very apologetic!

Ok I guess she is just 3 and they do pretty much what we do but I think it’s the small things like our faces look more cross and our voices firmer (really difficult to describe that online but it’s NOT shouting) but in a way that a parent would tell a child rather than a teacher.

We also have her favourite toys to take hostage :)

OP posts:

Original poster

TheFastandCurious · 15/05/2019 14:22

I think you’re overreacting a bit 😕

Ok maybe I am. But having been a parent for 14 years now and never once having a teacher tell me one of my kids has behaved like that am I bit on my back foot.

I appreciate all the responses. I’ll calm down, thanks.

OP posts:

Catchingbentcoppers · 15/05/2019 14:22

I'm an ex nursery nurse and have been whacked many a time - don't worry OP it won't be the first or last to time!

They'll be experienced enough to deal with it appropriately, please don't stress.

Original poster

TheFastandCurious · 15/05/2019 14:23

‘I’m a bit on my back foot’

OP posts:

LoafofSellotape · 15/05/2019 14:27

They will have done the same OP, honestly, she's 3 not 13. This isn't behaviour behaviour that the nursery have never seen before.

WelcomeToGreenvale · 15/05/2019 14:36

I work in a preschool and I've been hit, scratched, bitten, whacked with toys... it happens! Don't worry! The worker will have dealt with it probably in a similar way as you would have, and they won't hold a grudge against your child for it. Best to move on from it now. :)

Namestheyareachangin · 15/05/2019 14:38

I am still struggling to understand what you mean. Is it that you wouldn't be happy with them talking to her like that/looking at her like that or they wouldn't be happy doing so? And why in either case?

Basically I feel like if there's something you are doing that trained professionals feel is inappropriate for them to be doing in terms of behaviour management, then it might be a concern?

Or is it that your ethos on childcare is at odds with the nursery's and it's a style question? For example my nursery is a very attachment-y, Gentle with a capital G sort of environment so would handle this differently to the way you describe your approach, but I chose them for that reason as it's the style I use myself. On the other hand I have friends who favour a more disciplinarian approach themselves and have therefore chosen a nursery that does 'telling off', naughty step and other 'age appropriate punishments'.... if your nursery isn't happy to discipline your child as you would wish, maybe your ideologies arent very well aligned?

PinkHeartLovesCake · 15/05/2019 14:40

The child is 3, sometimes dc of that age are little sods. They don’t fully understand they can’t have everything they want/sometimes they break stuff/ sometimes they hit etc etc

I might maybe have a chat with the child about how we must not hit people but I would be leaving it at that. Nursery would of dealt with it too, child is 3 and these things happen.

It’s not a massive deal

KissUntilTheyDieOfRabies · 15/05/2019 14:41

If it helps, my friends youngest was the absolute devil child and he grew into the most wonderful, gentle, sweet and loving junior school kid.

My youngest sound like your youngest. Yours is three. Three is difficult and I think you'll have to draw a line under it. X

Ivestoppedreadingthenews · 15/05/2019 14:46

I’ve been hit (reception teacher) and had parents complain because I asked the child to apologise (after some thinking time)

It’s not an everyday thing but not is it a rare thing with small children. Mostly staff are telling you so you are aware, they aren’t expecting you to do anything different to what you are already doing.

I’ve been told my child has hit another child and wanted to the ground to swallow me up. So I know how you feel!

It’s always good to remind yourself that even the most well parented child can behave badly. They are still learning. You sound like an amazing mum, don’t overthink it.

Original poster

TheFastandCurious · 15/05/2019 14:58

namestheyare

No it’s really nothing like that, I am happy with them and they are happy with me. These things are always hard to explain via internet. They have lots of children and I have just her at home a lot of the time. So if she had broken binoculars at home I would have had the time to empathise with her, find out how they broke, explained they would be dangerous now and given her kisses and cuddles, talked about finding a different toy etc etc. They haven’t got the time and they can’t give her the same kisses and cuddles to diffuse a tantrum before it starts. I know exactly how to spot what she’s going to do next and how to stop it because I know her better.

My voice would be stronger. More like a serious telling off than some nursery staff would do. There is one older lady who is brilliant with her. She has kids of her own and she would be stronger with her face and voice and my DD behaves better for her. There is a difference between “That’s not ok we don’t hit” and “That is NOT ok, we DON’T hit and I WONT tolerate that behaviour!”

Both can be done without shouting.

Anyway, I’ve had some really great advice from ex nursery staff and childminders and I can see I am really overthinking / over reacting. I felt like I should do something other than leave them to deal with it because they took me aside to sign the form and give me a heads up.

But yes, they are the professionals and I can see this happens sometimes so I’ll leave it now.

Thank you everyone I’ll leave this thread now

OP posts:

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