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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel offended friend is going away without me?

24 replies

chalkheath · 14/05/2019 23:46

I went away last year with this friend for 2 months travelling. We enjoyed immensely and we promised we’d go somewhere this year. I kept sending flight deals etc and then february time she started being a bit cold about it.

Anyway, went out for drinks tonight with this friend and a mutual friend. Turns out they’re going away for 2 weeks and have nice trip planned. AIBU to feel offended I have basically been ditched? Like sure she’s free to do what she wants, but I feel it’s rude to just ignore my travel suggestions whilst secretly planning a trip with someone else!

OP posts:

Mintandthyme · 14/05/2019 23:48

Maybe she felt a bit pressured...

Original poster

chalkheath · 14/05/2019 23:50

Well I was told that she reallt wanted to go away again

OP posts:

OwlBeThere · 14/05/2019 23:50

I would be hurt yes, I don’t know if that is reasonable or not, but you’re human and that’s a horrible feeling.
A few years ago my stepsister had her 30th wedding anniversary and had a party, all my siblings and their kids went. But me and mine weren’t. I was really really hurt, I consider us to all be family and clearly she doesn’t feel that way.
So I’m sorry @chalkheath she’s behaved in a very underhanded way in my opinion.

Provincialbelle · 14/05/2019 23:53

It’s the lack of comms that is rude by her. She is entitled to travel with a different friend of course, but how hard would it have been to tell you up front?

Expressedways · 15/05/2019 00:01

Bit harsh they didn’t invite you if you’re all friends and for her not to tell you she no longer wanted to take the trip with you. Yes of course she’s an adult who can do what she like but I completely see why you’re hurt.

Girlzroolz · 15/05/2019 00:04

Extra rude that she announced it with the other friend sitting right there?!

She must have known it’d be disappointing for you, and should have told you privately with some sort of apology.

I have mates who’d always pick novelty over loyalty and who’d do this. They’d consider they’d already ‘done that’ by holidaying with me (or any friend) and be looking for the new experience. Find friends to travel with who see it the same way you do.

specterlitt · 15/05/2019 01:39

Whilst I understand why you would feel hurt, you do not know how long the two friends have planned this particular holiday. Perhaps the reason she did go cold was because she was not really wanting to go away with you again considering she had made other commitments? Or maybe places you suggested were not interesting to her? However, you never know, a holiday could still happen between you two.

You being hurt is understandable, but don't let this sour a friendship. She has not ditched you, but just has other plans with another friend. You two have already been away, did this mutual friend think she was ditched when you two went away then?

If you want to, ask her face to face if she does fancy booking another holiday (although a shorter one) this year with you once she is back?

Strugglingtodomybest · 15/05/2019 01:49

Does your friend avoid confrontation normally? It sounds like she took the cowards way of telling you.

I'd be really upset too, even though I know she has every right to go on holiday with who she wants.

WillLokireturn · 15/05/2019 02:21

YANBU to feel offended.
Yabu to say anything, other than, "next time let me know as I could've been making plans with other friends, if you were busy"

She's done exactly what you are annoyed about, played you off and dumped you for another friend. Maybe she hoped to keep you in background for a holiday but further down the line than now. You know now though.

Tbh the lack of replies or communication would have annoyed me, even if she'd been initially keen. Part of the fun is in the planning.

WillLokireturn · 15/05/2019 02:22

Friend can go in hiday with whomever age wants, but it's the not telling you otherwise or that she'd like to do it another time, not this time, that is the "stringing along" bit.

WillLokireturn · 15/05/2019 02:24

*holiday not hiday and "she" not "age".
Tired typing ... 🙄

Merchant · 15/05/2019 04:14

I’d be upset by this. It feels very underhand.

pasturesgreen · 15/05/2019 04:18

I expect she didn't enjoy herself quite as immensely as you thought...

But yes, bit shit to a) not let you know sooner and b) tell you in private. At least now you know for next time.

OKBobble · 15/05/2019 06:47

Relationships change. Perhaps she felt pressured/harangued by you. Was it a place you wanted to go to that you kept sending her details of? Perhaps she didn't want to go there and felt you wouldn't take no for an answer.

HBStowe · 15/05/2019 06:54

It’s a bit cheeky given you were already suggesting plans. She’s obviously free to go away with whoever she wants but she could have been upfront about it.

SinkGirl · 15/05/2019 07:29

OP, since this is AIBU you should don your hard hat - there’ll be plenty of people along in a minute to tell you it’s her time and money and none of your business and YABVVVVVVU

Back in the real world, you’d have to be made of stone to not find this upsetting. I’d be really upset, and it’s not because they’re going away without you, as you’ve made clear. Be prepared for everyone to tell you that you’re a selfish monster though ;)

Totally natural to be very hurt by this. She could have told you previously that she was making other plans, and she could have told you when you were alone together rather than in front of someone else.

7yo7yo · 15/05/2019 07:35

Yanbu.
I’d have made it very clear she’d been rude and would now back of.

FissionChips · 15/05/2019 07:36

AIBU to feel offended I have basically been ditched?

YABU. You haven’t been ditched (how could you be when she hasn’t even made plans with you?).

Why didn’t you take the hint when she obviously wasn’t wanting to holiday with you this time?

mummy2oneandtwo · 15/05/2019 07:37

Been there and it's so hurtful, you're not at all unreasonable to feel upset by this

Springwalk · 15/05/2019 07:46

Not sure I would be very keen on the friendship after this. They could have invited you/ she could have told you in advance. Make plans with other friends. Leave her to it.

HoppityChicken · 15/05/2019 10:36

Been there too, was a game changer in the end, not because they were going on holiday but because of the secrecy and they way it came out. I'm sorry this happened to you and you have every right to feel upset.

EmeraldShamrock · 15/05/2019 10:41

No yanbu. She should have been honest, it seems sly to not invite you on this one as a trio. Is there a big back story. She comes across very immature, dividing and conquering individual friendships, she is acting like a teenager in school.

UbbesPonytail · 15/05/2019 10:42

It’s the not saying anything, isn’t it? She could have just been honest otherwise how were you to know she didn’t want you to keep sending flights etc?

Last year I suggested a trip I was planning via text to a friend who I thought would want to come. She completely ignored that part of the message and then three weeks later I found out she was there. I’m not even sure she realises I gave her the idea, or if she does but she just didn’t want to go with me.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/05/2019 10:43

When did you start sending flight ideas if she was already fed up by Feb? I wonder if you came across too full on and trying to push her into sorting it right at the beginning of the year and it out her off?

YANBU to feel pushed out, but I think you need to look at how you acted too

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