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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Nursery worker exchange

48 replies

Storkbloom · 14/05/2019 21:42

DP had a day off work today and we all went to the park... DSD is 3.3, today we had been at the park for hours, playing football etc, she had walked a lot. On the way home she was a moody, lagging, asked to sit in the pushchair. We usually still bring it out if we are going to be out for more than a quick trip, just in case. She asks for it when she wants it, or if she is having a tantrum and throwing herself on the floor then I will strap her in (issue when I have extra bags etc so cannot carry her).

We needed to pop into a shop on the way home just to grab a few bits we would need for dinner, the shop was small so I waited outside, DD was relaxing, dp went in.

Then a staff member from her nursery saw us, recognised me, and said "you have no shame! No shame!" I was very confused, probably looked it, as she carried on "what have you got her in the chair for!?" I explained we'd been out all day and she was hot and tired, and before the nursery worker left she said "you should stop babying her and have another one"

Now, she said all this with a smiley face, so I assume if was supposed to be ""banter"" but AIBU to feel she was out of place, was she BU? Of am AIBU to still have DD in buggy sometimes? Or was this exchange fine and I should get over it?

Ps. If this has posted more than once I apologise, I have been trying to post it but it kept saying the site was moved to a new location or down etc, lots of loading, so might have sent it more than once.

OP posts:

Drogosnextwife · 15/05/2019 07:20

Well going by your posts you seem angry, so why is it a strange comment?

HomeMadeMadness · 15/05/2019 07:28

YANBU. I used to get this from someone at eldest DC's pre school. She lived nearby and would drive the 2 miles to preschool then roll her eyes at me for taking DS in a buggy. I don't see why a child sitting in a pushchair is worse than sitting in a car seat!

Passthecherrycoke · 15/05/2019 07:38

IME nursery staff seem to expect more from
The children in their care and their own children are often quite “advanced” in terms of independence etc. So judge against this.
3.3 is on the older side for using a pushchair but she’s hardly 5, so no problem.

EIther way it was rude of her to comment. I would take it up with her again- “I was thinking about what you said the other day and it’s actually really upset me..” deal with it direct

BendingSpoons · 15/05/2019 07:42

Working in early years, there is a push to get children out of buggies and getting exercise, so I can understand where she is coming from. However what she said, and based on one snapshot of time, is rude. Especially telling you to have another one, that could be monumentally insensitive.

my2bundles · 15/05/2019 07:42

She was completely our of order. I've found people who say this ferry kids round in cars. Same thing, the child's not walking. Such double standards it really angers me.

Pinkprincess1978 · 15/05/2019 07:43

I still used the buggy for my dd until she started school for the school run for ds. It was a round trip of over an hour and it was just too much for her twice a day and wasn't worth the stress of her moaning and dragging her feet it I made her walk.

I would ignore her, 3 is still young and they get tired.

Goldmandra · 15/05/2019 08:11

Well going by your posts you seem angry, so why is it a strange comment?

The tone of my posts is in line with lots of the others

14 years working as an early years practitioner and I haven't come across any parent who holds their child back by doing everything for them. I have, however, seen lots of other practitioners judging parents for occasionally helping their toddler put their coat on or carrying them to the car.

Children have a habit of learning to be independent without constantly being monitored and pushed. It's how they're programmed. It's not like this child is going to need to be pushed around school in a buggy when she starts in reception because her mother brings her home in one at the end of a tiring day out when she's three.

lyralalala · 15/05/2019 08:19

She's downright rude. She has no idea how long you had been out for.

I'd be speaking to the nursery manager about the comment about having another. She could have deeply upset someone with a comment like that. And even if it wasn't upsetting it's seriously rude and doesn't exactly leave you wanting her to be caring for your child.

Original poster

Storkbloom · 15/05/2019 09:44

I have just realised I think maybe three threads on this topic went through, so I am sorry if I don't reply to everyone!

It definitely felt like she was trying to pass off her true thoughts/feelings by being jokey. She was in the nursery staff uniform so nossume she'd just come from there. I think the "you should have another" was said because she implying we need a new baby to "baby" and let her grow up. I was a bit flustered when she said it, and it took me by surprise which is why I probably didn't say anything even though I felt somewhere it was rude.

Someone mentioned cultural differences, as far as I'm aware 95% of the staff are British with African descent, the manager has a Nigerian accent, as do some of the staff, whilst the others do not have any accent at all, they are a strongly religious nursery in a church (I'm not religious but it was the only nursery in the area with a space when I was trying to get DD in). No idea about culture per se.

DDs first key worker suddenly stopped working there, as people had complained about how she spoke to people. She was in the 20-something month review with me and DD and told the Health Visitor she though my DD could have autism. HV took no notice

I think I will mention it to the manager rather than the staff member as she is usually only around in the mornings when DD goes in, and her dad drops off, by time I pick up this staff member usually isn't there, so I might not get the chance to speak to her personally and her dad is not very tactful tbh. I will just see the manager as she is often there when I pick up, just say I think the comments were unprofessional. I do feel silly for not dealing with it then and there with the worker, but it sort of happened really fast and I was taken aback.

OP posts:

OneStepSideways · 15/05/2019 09:50

As it was all said with a smile, I expect she was trying to be jokey rather than critical. Some people are terrible at jokes/banter!

If you feel it had a deeper meaning, does your DD refuse to walk, ask for her pushchair or act in a babyish way at nursery? Do you talk to her in a babyish way at drop off/pick up?
It seems odd that a comment like that would come from nowhere.

I do think a 3 year old in a buggy is a bit unusual, and she wasn't to know you'd been out all day. I secretly feel a bit judgemental when my friend brings her 3 year old out in the buggy instead of making her walk like the rest of our group, but then her child is overweight and asks for the buggy every time she has to walk longer than 10 minutes. My friend seems to prefer having her strapped in, which is a shame as the child just sits in the buggy eating while the others have fun running around and playing.

my2bundles · 15/05/2019 10:15

Onestep. Do you also think 3 year olds traveling by car is unusual? If not why not? Using a buggy is the equivalent of using a car for those of us who don't drive. Think about that for a minute.

Nanny0gg · 15/05/2019 10:22

I think speaking to the manager - unless you have other concerns - is a bit strong imo.

She shouldn't have voiced her opinion but the time to confront her on that has passed.

Drogosnextwife · 15/05/2019 12:39

What would you say to the manager? Surely they have enough to deal with. Who would you complain to if it was a family member or a friend that had said it?

ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 15/05/2019 12:42

This makes me mad. Lolly pop lady at DS’s school did this about my DD who was 4. DD actually couldn’t walk as she has arthritis and I used a stroller instead of a wheelchair as it has rainwear x

drspouse · 15/05/2019 13:15

One of the boy's in my DS' class has orthopeadic shoes/foot problems and was in a buggy up to the start of Y1. His sister was in nursery at that time and her feet are OK and sometimes he'd be riding and she'd be walking. Fortunately he's quite small for his age so they didn't get so many "looks" plus he fit well into a regular buggy.

Bumpitybumper · 15/05/2019 13:47

I think the problem is that most people are so used to taking the car to go everywhere that they actually don't know how long it takes to walk certain journeys, how hilly or challenging a particular route is and how it can more difficult for preschoolers with smaller legs.

It just doesn't make sense to suggest that there is a maximum age by which time a child should no longer use a buggy as there are so many variables involved. It's obvious that a family that's walks reasonable distances in lieu of using a car will potentially hold on to a buggy longer but ironically they will be modelling better habits to their children and actually those kids are growing up in an environment where walking is normalised and the reliance on the car is less.

Original poster

Storkbloom · 15/05/2019 15:30

@onestep, My DD isn't overweight for her height, but she is taller and bigger than most her age and could pass for 4. I often get surprised looks when I tell people her age and they say she thought she was older.

Nursery say she is great there, no tantrums etc, very nice child etc... but then she only goes 3 half days a week and they don't take her out really so she doesn't have to walk a far distance. Nursery is on same street at us so just walks to and from.

OP posts:

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 15/05/2019 16:41

YANBU . Not her place to comment make jokes or judgements. I think talking to the manager if perfectly fine, she was in uniform but out of hours as were you. The reason why your DD was in her pushchair is completely irrelevant and unless they have other causes for concern about you impacting on your DD's development she had no right to approach you. Even if there are concerns,there's a time and place for that and outside a shop is not that time or place.

Mammylamb · 15/05/2019 17:06

Yanbu. The buggy comment I would brush off. The suggesting it’s time for another baby... I think someone needs to have a word. This is completely inappropriate; she has no idea if you are having fertility issues and it’s simply none of her business.

DS is 3.6. If we are out all day, I bring the buggy. I don’t drive, and can be walking for miles between going to various activities, a toddler couldn’t keep up (it’s also handy if I’ve got a lot of shopping). I tried a few times walking all day, but he got tired and wanted carrying (resulting in tantrums)

I’m wondering if all of those on her who say a 3 year old should never be in a buggy are drivers (or don’t walk long distances)

eightoclock · 15/05/2019 17:17

Hmm. I know lots of 3/4/5 year olds and getting them to walk more than 5 minutes or so is generally a massive frustrating struggle that takes ages! (even those with very fit and active parents that regularly take their children out dog walking etc) Walking with a 3 year old is going to take twice as long as without one, so if you are using walking as a form of transport (rather than recreation or getting the 100 m from your car to the shop) then you would pretty much have to use a buggy or it would take hours to get anywhere

DownStreet · 15/05/2019 18:29

If you walk everywhere it can be really hard to go at a 3yo’s pace - carrying heavy bags that slowly means you’re carrying them for about 3x the time you would otherwise.

OneStepSideways · 15/05/2019 23:01

Onestep. Do you also think 3 year olds traveling by car is unusual? If not why not? Using a buggy is the equivalent of using a car for those of us who don't drive. Think about that for a minute

I had a couple of years without driving (due to an injury) and just used buses. My DD was 2 at the time, she made a fuss about going in the buggy and it was a pain dragging it around with us. I found it easier to bring her scooter (with a seat and a strap so I could pull it). By around 2.5 most of our friendship group had stopped using buggies too. I'm not saying everyone should stop using them at that age, just that you don't see many 3+ year olds in them so people are more likely to remark on it, especially if she looks 4-5 rather than 3.

The comments about having another baby, a bit personal but i get them all the time, it's just something everyone seems to ask. I've had strangers ask me when I'm having another and even a lady at the bus stop telling me not to wait too long! I think it's just a conversational thing. Like saying 'oh I bet you're hoping for a boy next time!' When you're not even trying!

grubus · 16/05/2019 09:54

I use the buggy for my nearly 4 year old quite often. Because it's better than the car. We live in a place with steep single track roads, no pavements and minimal buses.
I can drive down to the park, but if I take the pushchair then he can walk down and pushchair back.

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