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Original poster

Memory issues with DM so stressful

26 replies

daffodillament · 14/05/2019 20:34

Just looking for some advice from anyone in a similar situation. My DM 83 until recently has been pretty fab for her age. Always on the go, helping me with kids loads although mine are now 19, 16 and 11 and I think she really misses being as involved as she was when they were younger. She has a great social life which includes going to see local bands at least once a week and will make a point of being first up on the dance floor ! Grin The trouble I'm having at the moment is that she's constantly losing her credit cards, must have lost at least 12 in the last six weeks, the common thing being that she'll forget there's one in the post and go to the bank, order a new one and then when the one in the post arrives it's already been cancelled because my mum has forgotten what's happening. This is a regular pattern. When it first happened I asked if I could look after the card for her and made sure she had a enough cash at home so she wouldn't need it, she was initially happy with this idea, then while she was out that same eve she had a massive panic when she noticed the card was not in purse, she had forgotten that I was holding it for her. This is happening so frequently now that I'm starting to lose the plot, I dread the phone ringing for fear of what's going to happen next. I do now have a third party bank card that she can use when she loses it again which is helpful. Other things like forgetting what month we are in, she turns up at my house when I'm in work and kids are at school, she'll turn up at wrong time when we arrange to meet for coffee etc..We are attending the memory clinic and she is being assessed. I found some memory medication at her house the other day that she'd been given in Feb from her gp, dose was for day 1 a day but only 3 had been taken out of the box but I knew nothing about this. I think she thought she'd been given anti-anxiety medication ? After talking with memory clinic nurse they advised that I make sure she starts taking them regularly along with her statin every morning. Thanks for reading while I've waffled on and on. On the whole I would say she is OK when distracted from worrying about the card situation but the card situation is not letting up. Just to add she's very independent and wants to remain this way. What advice can you guys please give me ? Thankyou.

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redastherose · 14/05/2019 20:58

It's very difficult seeing someone who has always been really with it becoming forgetful. Not sure what else you can do but would be worth making sure she has done things like made her Will and that you have an enduring power of attorney so that you can deal with her money if things get worse.

IAmTheChosenOne · 14/05/2019 21:00

Get a lasting power of attorney (LPA) now, before she disintegrates further

www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney

Original poster
daffodillament · 14/05/2019 21:21

That is a really good idea. Yes I will. Thankyou both.

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nonevernotever · 14/05/2019 21:23

Lurking here for advice since my dm is very similar. 83, living alone and increasingly forgetful. We do have poa but that's all.

Original poster
daffodillament · 14/05/2019 21:31

nonever It's so sad to see the decline isn't it ? Do you have other family to help support her (and you) ? Feel free to message me if you want to. It's awful

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NoSquirrels · 14/05/2019 21:39

On a practical level re: bank card, can you put something in her wallet in the space the card should be or a large Post-it that says very clearly “Daffo has your card!”

Go with her to the bank and explain together the situation about the cards (if she is not too proud to do this?) and ask that they put a note or flag on the account?

Get her into the habit of looking in one place for information she may have forgotten e.g. a big whiteboard by the phone. As soon as you arrange anything e.g. coffee (or a new bank card) ask her to write it on the board. Remind her go check the board every day and whenever she is unsure.

EmeraldShamrock · 14/05/2019 21:40

It is awful, she sounds like an amazing lady. This might be far fetched, I was very sinicule when I first heard of care robots. A young Irish lady developed it after she suffered a stroke, now they are up and running they are excellent. The iwner wears a watch, The robot gives reminders to take medication, monitors heart rate, blood pressure, temperature, has a built in camera, can detect a fall and make an emergency call for help.
www.independent.ie/life/health-wellbeing/health-features/my-robot-companion-has-changed-my-life-38009121.html

LittleOwl153 · 14/05/2019 21:42

Going through this with MIL atm. Though with her it is taking meds and eating she forgets! We have had 'lost' bank cards which reappear a few days later. This appears to concern us more than her which is scary.

Having dealt with it with my grandparents also I know it IS HARD!!!

thesandwich · 14/05/2019 21:45

Have a look at unforgettable products- some clocks etc, with dates, automatic tablet boxes etc.

NoSquirrels · 14/05/2019 21:48

Though with her it is taking meds and eating she forgets!

We rehomed a massively obese cat from CPL. Apparently she had a very elderly owner. I was told by someone who works with the elderly that this is really not uncommon to see a hugely overweight cat with a very undernourished older person - they forget they’ve fed the cat so keep doing it whenever they miaow, and in the meantime entirely forget to feed themselves unprompted.

Original poster
daffodillament · 14/05/2019 21:50

nosquirrels Funnily enough the nurse mentioned an idea like the one you mention of note in wallet. If she allows me to take her card to look after again I will do this. Since the panic of last time she hasn't had a fully working card because of all the cancelling before they arrive issues. I do however leave post it notes in her house. She has accumulated about five diaries which I'm only now aware of, the little handbag one she used to used is missing. She writes different things in different diaries and can't see that just having one will make things easy. I will get a whiteboard to put by phone as that is a brillant idea. emerald The robot ! I will certainly be reading up on that ! Grin

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Original poster
daffodillament · 14/05/2019 21:55

My mum has lost weight too, nothing too concerning. She eats really well when she comes over. Eats loads actually. I take her shopping so I know she has food in. The cat thing is funny too as my mum is obsessed with feeding my cat when she see's him. I always find it quite funny. He's a skinny little CPL cat though and bloody loves my mum !

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Original poster
daffodillament · 14/05/2019 21:56

The clock is amazing actually ! I'm sure it helps alot ! It must do..time, day, date, year everything !

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NoSquirrels · 14/05/2019 21:58

I suspect you’ll have to do a lot of promoting and reminding.

Could her diary always live by the phone - chained to the whiteboard perhaps? If she is beginning to forget stuff she may not recognise the ‘new’ diaries and then hence the problem perpetuates, she thinks she needs a new one ...

NoSquirrels · 14/05/2019 22:01

Also - bear with me - Alexa.

You can set reminders like alarms so she’ll helpfully tell you “I’m reminding you to take your meds” which is quite friendly.

Your mum can ask her what day it is and what month it is etc.

You can set the reminders by date too so she could prompt for appointments etc.

LittleOwl153 · 14/05/2019 22:01

Look for stuff for MIL the other day I saw a kind of tablet thing which connects to the WiFi, which you can log onto and set messages as well as calendar items and clock etc. Mine is a technophobe and would not cope with this - what's your mother like with technology?

I can't find it just now but I think was around £100.

NoSquirrels · 14/05/2019 22:02

And she could remind her “Remember to check the whiteboard” which would be useful...

PokemonGirl88 · 14/05/2019 22:10

I don’t have any advice, in fact this post has helped me because we are at the memory clinic referral stage for my dad but I just wanted to say that I’m thinking of you. It’s so hard to witness and remember to be kind to yourself x

user1465335180 · 14/05/2019 22:11

This sounds so familiar, sadly my DM went into dementia and the random memory lapses sound typical of the early days. Age UK can be really helpful and second the idea of an LPA- get finance and health and wellbeing ( they're seperate paperwork) because although SS can be helpful an LPA for health and wellbeing stops them taking decisions for your DM without your or her consent. Good luck

Original poster
daffodillament · 14/05/2019 22:14

Such great ideas but my mum is a technophobe of massive proportions! She can barely use her mobile, drives me mad when she rings me on it, I might miss the call, ring her back straight away but she's switched the phone off ! I will consider the Alexa being installed though, if we set it all up then all she has to do is talk to it ? Sounds amazing !

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Original poster
daffodillament · 14/05/2019 22:17

Thankyou user146 and pokermon Hope you are both coping OK too. It's just so sad.

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NoSquirrels · 14/05/2019 22:17

Yes, the brilliant thing about Alexa is there’s nothing to ‘do’ - if it’s up and running and you set the reminders etc then she just has to say “Alexa” and it will do what she wants. You can get the app installed on your phone so you can control it that way.

Cuppycakes · 14/05/2019 22:29

This sounds very familiar to what my grandmother went through at the early onset of her dementia. Nothing much to add that hasn’t already been suggested. Might be worth seeing if there was a referral made to the CPN when she was described the memory medication.

LondonJax · 14/05/2019 22:31

Re the Power of Attorney. Make sure you do both. Health and Finance. That way you can speak to people about her medical needs and deal with her finances. Get it done now - she has to be assessed as competent enough to understand what the forms are for and what they allow you to do. Our GP did the assessment on my mum when she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and Vascular Dementia.

If your mum is diagnosed with dementia and she's in the UK she can try to claim Attendance Allowance. You'll need to do the forms for her. It's designed to help with costs for additional help in the home. My mum used it to get domestic help once a week as she was forgetting to clean and, with appointments and general care, I was running out of time some days to help. Mum also used it to pay for a weekly trip to the Day Centre which helped her a lot in the early stages.

You could use it to buy in a carer to make sure she takes her tablets each day - basically anything that would help her.

It's also worth talking to the Admiral's Nurse organisation. Our one helped me fill in the attendance allowance forms and managed to get mum a blue badge - trying to get mum across a busy car park in the latter stages was like trying to get a tantruming toddler that weighed 9 stone across! And I couldn't leave her because she would wander so a blue badge made such a difference.

Fingers crossed it's something else. Has she had a UTI check? UTIs can appear very similar to dementia in the elderly.

Good luck.

Original poster
daffodillament · 14/05/2019 22:43

What's CPN ? Will get these forms of POA done this week. We've talked about it but not got around to doing it. Will querie UTI but I suspect its been going on a little too long for that. There was an incident last year when we took mum and mil away on hols. They stayed in a hotel and my mum was saying things were going missing from her room, convinced someone was going in and taking them. Turned out the stuff she'd 'lost' she hadn't even taken away with her. So, I put that down to my mum aging, getting a bit forgetful and being out of her comfort zone but now the issues are much more apparent.

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