AIBU to hate my parents?

[GarlicButterrr]

I hate my dad for being an abusive man. I hate my mum for being spineless and staying with him for 3 decades through it all. I hate them both for using me as a weapon in their toxic, horrific relationship.

My mum called me last night in tears, completely besides herself, sounded like she was having a panic attack.

She asked and him to pay a bill and he refused, they had an argument which ended with him waving fists around and threatening to hit her, calling her all manner of terrible names. He ripped her car keys from her hand and she ended up wandering the streets for a couple of hours.

I am 28 years old but last night I felt 12 again listening to those awful, dreadful sounds as though I was at home again. My blood ran cold and after I got off the phone with my mum I went to the bathroom and I threw up.

Violence was a common occurrence in my home growing up but in recent years she hasn't said anything has happened. I kind of thought that he "grew out of it" in his fifties.

I've tried so hard to distance myself over the years since I went away from uni and never looked back but they drag me into their arguments and dad will say that I won't talk to mum if xy or z happens. And she believes him as though she doesn't know me at all and each time I reassure her but she seems to forget.

He threatens to leave her but so far hasn't. They sleep separately but she still does his cooking, cleaning, washing and drives him to the train station every morning.

Today I messaged her asking how she was and she said fine, acting like nothing had happened.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to help her. I don't know what she expects to happen next. I don't know how she can live like this. I just feel paralysed and powerless.

They are both from a different country and culture although we've all live in the UK since I was a baby. Domestic violence is sadly common over there but we live HERE and NOW and I just don't know what to do. Selfishly I don't want anything to do with this at all. Mum never listened to me when I urged her to leave him when I was a kid, why would she listen to me now?

Selfishly I don't want anything to do with this at all. Mum never listened to me when I urged her to leave him when I was a kid, why would she listen to me now?

It's not your responsibility to 'save' your mother. She's an adult and has put you through hell because of her inability or unwillingness to do anything to get out of the situation.

Other posters will be along with better posts than mine - but my advice is to back away far enough so that you don't have to witness any of this any more.

Oh, OP, that all sounds difficult.

I think there's only so much you can do though - make sure your DM knows you're there if she needs you, and where to go for help otherwise. I understand that you feel conflicted though, you've been treated poorly by both of your parents. I suppose it's about setting boundaries re what you will and won't put up with.

This sounds like my family, but Mum and Dad are the opposite way round.

Sadly there is nothing you can do to change their relationship, but realising that is really hard.

Probably selfish, but I would refuse to have anything to do with either of them. Its called self preservation. They put you through years of this hell and now you can choose not to be part of it and it is OK to do that. Could you do that?

Look at this site online - out of the FOG...it might help, hugs. It seems to often happen in these relationships where one is the abuser and another the enabler. You need to protect yourself.

outofthefog.website

I hate mine too.

Solidarity.

I don’t understand people who come to the UK for a better life but still cling onto a culture that is abusive and controlling. It must be hard for you but you need to move on and not repeat the cycle. I wish you all the best and make the most of your life and don’t let your parents drag you backwards

Bless you. You can't fix this. But I think you should get some counselling to help you cope. Save up for it if you need to?

Calling your mum spineless for not leaving is really unkind and unfair. Maybe she stayed for you back then or had nowhere to go and maybe now it feels too difficult and she has no one to help her get a home, money etc. How about you ask her if she wants help to leave and if she says no but acknowledges what he's doing is wrong, then you say you don't want to hear it as it's causing you distress. That might make her think.

SunshineCake

Calling your mum spineless for not leaving is really unkind and unfair.

Yes, I know and I am not proud of it, but it's how I feel. I urged and begged her to leave when I was young and living at home. She is so strong, determined and hard-working in other areas of her life.

Maybe she stayed for you back then

Yes, and let me tell you how sick I am hearing this. My dad says it too and said he would leave when my little sister turned 18. She is 19 now.

How about you ask her if she wants help to leave and if she says no but acknowledges what he's doing is wrong, then you say you don't want to hear it as it's causing you distress. That might make her think.

She doesn't want to leave. To her, being married is the epitome of, well, everything. She is most distressed that I am not married and embarrassed that my aunt is divorced her also abusive husband.

I find it very difficult to talk about how I feel and I still can't talk about the abuse I witnessed without crying. I can't let her see me like that.

I totally understand your post- I could have wrote your post except my mum was also just as bad with her words and actions. I also know that feeling of being transported back to being a child, and the vomiting. When adrenaline kicks in like that it’s horrible. Just wanted you to know you aren’t the only one.

OP I'm so sorry for you and you truly awful situation. I have no real advice but I didn't want to read and run. I don't think you can fix the problem between your parents, one of them would have to make the decision and leave the other one I think. You need to look after yourself, and as hard as it is, if having minimal contact with your parents works for you then so be it. Have you thought about some counselling for yourself? Sending you

I know how you feel exactly. I still resent my mother as I know how hard it is to leave but the one time I exploded at her was when she claimed she stayed for me. Stayed so I could be abused and screamed at and almost driven to suicide. I had to take a big step back from her for my own mental health and while I offered support, I refused to be drawn in. I don't know what the answer is but wanted to give you a hand to hold

You've been very gracious, GarlicButterrr. I really hope you find peace.

Maybe she needs to see your tears ?

Fuck off with the "maybe she stayed for you " crap. She stayed for herself. And gave the OP the "gift" of a miserable childhood to boot.

OP you don't have to be grateful to your mum for making terrible choices and you don't have to spend your life being dragged into her drama. She's using you as a safety valve and it's a selfish, selfish thing to do.

I understand where you are coming from OP I had a miserable childhood due to my parents volatile loveless marriage. However it’s all very easy to say “why didn’t she just leave?” I mean people say that all the time about victims of domestic abuse don’t they? Unfortunately it’s not that simple is it? It’s often not even about “staying for the kids” although that might be what people convince themselves they are doing. It might be that they are so ground down that they can’t even imagine existing outside of the abusive relationship.

None of this means that you still have to be involved with their relationship and all the accompanying distress. You can make it clear to both of them that their marriage is their business not yours. However I would be inclined to let your mum know that if she ever needed your help that you would be there.

, OP.

I used to think my mother was a saint and my father was the devil when I was a teenager. I've come to the conclusion as an adult that they were both acting like flawed, fucked-up people and they used my sibling and me as pawns. I don't hate them but I don't respect them very much. My mother stayed in a toxic marriage, despite the obvious damage it was doing to her kids, because martyrdom is central to her self-image. I remember once tentatively admitting to the damage that a verbally and emotionally abusive father had done to my self-esteem, and she was just... surprised and said it had never occurred to her that it would affect me. It was all about her little personal drama of self-sacrifice and she hadn't really thought about whether she was actually benefitting me or my sibling because we were just bit-players or props. Once they finally divorced, she had to find various other sticks to beat me with to replace "I stayed with your father for you". She eventually settled with insisting on providing regular childcare for me - believe me I've tried to get out of it many, many times but I end up caving to her tantrums and guilt-trips - and then sounding off constantly about how she's sacrificing herself for me. My sibling gets the "villain" treatment for not coming home often enough. Weirdly enough, my mother seems to have re-cast my father as the good guy these days because he flatters her.

She also has to define herself by reference to other women and how inferior they are. So she needed my father's income so she could be a SAHM for twenty years and despise "crap mothers" who had jobs, and so she could look down on "chavs" and "scum" who shouldn't have had kids because they couldn't afford a middle-class lifestyle like her.

It's more complicated than that, of course. I'm writing in a bitter mood and that's just one version of our story. To some extent, I sympathise with the fact that both my parents were numb and too scared to change. I think what I'm trying to say is that families are complicated and you're not a bad person for feeling what you feel.

Id step back you couldnt persuade her then and you wont now-has to be her decision

Look after yourself, and its worth looking at the link a previous poster put in this thread.

You can't change another person, you can only change how you deal with them.

Sadly, you have grown up in a dysfunctional family situation which may well impact your own relationships in the future. Your parents behaviour has been your "normal" experience of a relationship, and whilst you know this is not what normal should be, you are in danger of ending up in a difficult situation yourself.

Try reading Toxic Parents by Susan Forward, the book gives advice on dealing with parents such as yours.

She doesn't want to leave. To her, being married is the epitome of, well, everything. She is most distressed that I am not married and embarrassed that my aunt is divorced her also abusive husband.
She will never change then and all that will happen, if she has access to you, is that she will affect your mental health more than she has already done. Obviously your father is also blame but your mother chooses to stay if she is "so strong, determined and hard-working in other areas of her life" but is not prepared to take the actions to free herself from this toxic relationship. She is, perhaps, codependent in this relationship if in recent years she hasn't said anything has happened.

I find it very difficult to talk about how I feel and I still can't talk about the abuse I witnessed without crying. I can't let her see me like that.
Have you had any personal 1:1 counselling OP? It sounds as if talking to a neutral professional would be somewhere safe for you to get this out without holding back and get some peace in your future.

In the meantime would you consider going very low contact with your parents for your own self preservation?

You should ask yourself this question, in 10 years time what will I regret more?

Choosing to live my life in peace even if it means walking away from the people who bring chaos or choosing to stay in the chaos because it is hard to walk away from?

You can't 'fix' their lives but they can ruin yours. It's ok to be selfish in these situations, you are not responsible for them or the way they behave.

Would your mum walk away if she had the right support system to get her to a safe place?