AIBU? To be fed up with MIL...If I don't write this down I won't sleep

[grouchyoscar]

I probably am BU

MIL is highly involved in my neices upbringing. There has been an element of jealousy on my part as I feel that DS is seen as of less significance but, hey, I'm kind of immune to that now IYKWIM. I do my best to ensure I don't get in the way of her time with DN by aking her to look after DS.

Well I think immune...Today she does it to me again. A couple of weeks ago I arranged to have my haircut for the first time before DS was born. She committed to collect DS from school nursery for me. Last week I found out the nursery was shutting down 2 days before the school. I told her this and she was OK about it.

Today she then adds a caveat. She wants to be at DN's School assembly at 2pm. My appointment is at 11:45 and i have a 45 min bus journey home from town. How the hell do I fit the time frame in? It is the 2nd or 3rd time she's done this.

I know I'm asking for something for me but why does she move the goal posts. How do I work round that? She has DN full time when school is out so unless my hairdresser can fit me in within the next 4 saturdays I can't get my hair sorted in time for my BFs wedding. She will never consider having DS and DN together.And I always defer to this.

I know I'll end up cancelling my appointment tomorrow but do you think I would be out of order if I was to point out that I'm doing it because she moved the goal posts? Do you think I could say, I'll move the appointment but can she commit to having DS this time without changing the rules unilaterally.

Yeah IABU but I needed to get it off my chest

YANBU is your neices mother her daughter?.
Can you not ask hairdresser to cut hair in 1 hr?

it is unfair that your MIL favours another grandchild

my MIL does this too ( to the point of telling me when they die xxx's GK's will get the inheritance!)

it isn't unreasonable for you to be fucked off

i think though, for the sake of family harmony, you should keep yer gob shut

Could she collect you by car and drop you & DS off before going to the assembly?

Or can she pay for a taxi so you can get home quicker?

Where is DS going to be at her house or yours?

Which is closer to DN school?

Oh don't even mention cars.

MIL doesn't drive. FIL does. The is some sort of ages old loathing between MIL and FIL. she will not ask him to help her and he sods off bowling at any opportunity.

DN lives 10 miles from MIL and goes to school 2 miles from MILs house. She does it all by pathetically inadequate public transport then spends ages telling us what a martyr she is

And I do keep my trap shut for the sake of harmony but my teather is fast running out.

Can she afford a taxi?

To get you to wherever DS is the quickest?

So she can then get to the Assembley

I don't have a MIL or FIL so I can't really comment on that

Or can you meet her at DN school and so collect DS from there?

It would leave you more time between your hair appointment and the assembley?

btw I think you have been completely fair to her and DN BUT that it is UNFAIR to expect you to change your plans for her

Also what about the appointment?

You are stopping the hairdresser making money in the time slot

Tell her that too

I think I will make it clear that I am changing my plans as you have overbooked yourself and can I make another appointment time that suits us both

Sorted it all. Phoned Matthew this morning, apologised intensly and re booked the appointment.

Really very annoyed thbo as she only found out about the assembly on Monday but she comitted to having DS 2 weeks ago. How very rude.

Just smile and let it go over my head

Funny how she is making her problem your problem here.

You have acted very graciously changing your appointment. I would have seriously considered saying that I will do my best to try and get back in time (although I would have taken the time it would take) and if I was late then so be it. What would she do if you were late, scold you? leave your child? or heaven forbid, take him to see DN?

Sorry but she is the one that has overbooked herself not you.

Out of interest, what ages are your ds and dn?

Why does she need to be at Dn's assembly?

I thought these things were for parents only?

Have you anyone else you could trust to take ds & make MIL aware of it?

I would be very pissed off at her changing her mind like that......

I know there are no rules that say GP's have to mind their GK's but when she says she will & then changes her mind, that's taking the wee a little bit!!!

well your MIL sounds like a bit of a dose...

but at the same time, if someone is doing you a favour (like agreeing to mind your child) and then their circumstances change so that they can no longer do you that favour, I'm not sure you get to castigate them for what those circumstances are.

your MIL doesn't owe you any babysitting.

obviously if she was a nice, reliable person she wouldn't agree and then change her mind all the time, but clearly she is not someone you can count on to do what has been arranged.

I think the only way in which you're being a tiny bit unreasonable is in expecting anything at all from her when the evidence points to the fact that you can't.

fraid i think you are being unreasonable

i guess she thought there was time to do both

she has a life too and i guess she would like to go to the assembly

there will be haridressers nearer to you thank half hour away and some very good ones come to the house so i think you need to be more flexible

i don't think yabu to be p*ssed off with her if this is something which happens often it must get to you so feel free to vent when you like

would your hairdresser come to your house?

also why won't she have your ds and dn at the same time i don't understand that??

YANBU, but to be honest, I wouldnt rely on her again for childcare.

I know exactly how you feel. My MIL is exactly the same. Her daughter has a son and he stays over at her place all the time and also goes to their caravan every other weekend. My kids seem to be second best all the time. They are lucky if they get to go once or twice to the caravan and despite lots of promises they very rarely get to sleep over. The thing that annoys me most is that DH seems completely oblivious to it and says I am reading things into the situation that aren't there.

Exactly Wonkoswife. That is what happens here. and I get the 'I treat them exactly the same' schtick and I know that is palpably untrue.

I told her that I cancelled due to short notice and no suitable childcare. I'm trying to be diplomatic but also making it clear that I'm not happy either. Why is DN so much more in need than DS?

DS is fab, She says she wants him to know his grandma but she's so booked up with SIL and DN that there is no room for our family at all...Ah well, her loss

If it were me, I wouldn't ever ask her again tbh because next time you ask her, it could be for something really important that you just can't reschedule. How old is your ds? Is he of an age where you could just take him with you to the hairdressers? My ds is 21 months and will still happily sit in his buggy while I do stuff like that and I pretty much take him everywhere.

DS went 4 yesterday. He's a willful bloody minded inquisitive sort and will not simply sit and be nice. It is easier to take him out of the equation.

DH has said we should sort out childcare ourselves and TBH he's absolutley right. I will see if there are any local childminders capable of having him on an ad hoc basis.

Bit extreme tho, I only wanted a decent haircut from a great stylist.

Ah right, a four year old is a different kettle of fish!!

At 21 months he was a total shouty nightmare. I can see why MIL is reticent to care for him but then again DN is far worse IMHO

How old is DN?

Grouchyoscar,

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I have the same with my MIL will say she can have dd (3 1/2yrs)then when we get there she will have her other 2 granddaughters (5 & 9 yrs).

When we get back we always get "oh xxxxx been so naughty", she hasn't, it just because she doesn't sit down and draw/read play computer
games all day like the other 2.

She like playing with toys, running up and down the garden all day (whatever the weather).

So now we don't ask her. Luckly for us my mum has just moved in around the corner and she will have dd anytime and doesn't mind the mess/havoc she creates where ever she goes.

I would do as your dh suggests and try to to find a adhoc babysitter.

What I do now is have the in-laws over for tea once a fortnight and that is it. I try not to have much else to do with them. My older 2 are at an age where they now ask why xxxx gets to stay at nan's and they don't. I make them ring nan and ask her.

Grouchyoscar, in your position I would protect myself by not asking her again.

How old is your MIL? It could be that she really can't manage to mind more than one child at a time. It's not so easy when you get older.

I remember my American cousin getting very irate because her own mother, who lived with them, wouldn't help her out in a childcare crisis. She was forgetting her mother was 81 and the child was 18 mos.

You're right. I will save myself further hassle and simply not ask again. As I say, here loss TBH

Thing that sticks in my craw is she makes out we can rely on her and can ask for favours and then at the last moment the caveats come thick and fast.

DN (7) gets the cake, which MIL thinks is never good enough and DS (4 and 2 days) gets the crumbs and we are supposed to be eternally grateful for that.

Bugger that.