To be so selfishly jealous of my friend TTC

[ConstantWork]

One of my best friends excitedly told me recently that she's TTC with her partner and she thinks she may be pregnant.

I smiled and nodded along but I'm so upset and horribly jealous.

I've been TTC for years now with multiple miscarriages along the way. I hate myself and the fact that I'm failing at this thing that so many other women get right.

My friend has children already and has no fertility issues that we know of so I'm just waiting now for the phone call that she's pregnant.

The thought of watching her go through the thing I want so desperately is making me sick. I hate feeling like this but I don't know how I'll cope seeing her. It's taking everything in me not to just shut myself away.

I obviously wish the best for her, and I want her to be happy. But I can't help this horrible anger, not directed at her, but the general unfairness that to some it's all a given, they can get excited and plan and just share all this happiness and be so sure it will all work out whilst I'm stuck in constant limbo, feeling like a failure but expected to be unfailingly happy for everyone else.

How your feeling is completely understandable. Life is very unfair sometimes.

Does your friend know that you're struggling to conceive and about your miscarriages? Obviously it's totally up to you whether to share that, but just wondering if it might make things easier for you as then you wouldn't feel such pressure to put on a brave face around her?

I knew a few of my friends were struggling, as were we but I never shared that with anyone.
I was really really worried about telling them my news and was worried I'd upset them so it seems to me that you're friend isn't all that if she knows and doesn't feel like that. They were all happy for us but you know deep down they must feel otherwise, that's only natural I think.
I told one of my friends that had been trying for 10 years first before most my family as I wanted her to hear from me.
Question your friendship I think if she knows...

My friend does know although I don't like to speak about it often so she knows but I haven't had a proper conversation with her about it for a while.

I think she should have been far more considerate of your feelings. A close friend of ours has had multiple losses including late miscarriages (18 and 20 weeks) and I didn’t excitedly tell her I was pregnant last time at all. Then again, I have also had losses and understand the pain. Sometimes you have to manage your excitement and think of others.

I’m sorry for your losses and struggles . Your feelings are completely legitimate, most people feel this way. Don’t feel like a bad person for it, you aren’t at all. You are human and this is a normal reaction.

You are entitled to feel jealous and she is entitled to feel excited. Hopefully you can both be considerate of each other’s journey.

What I try and keep in mind when I’m struggling with something and it looks like other people have it easy is that I don’t know what’s in store for them. My struggles might be now and their struggles might be later.. so I try and be happy for them in the moment because I won’t be able to take those feelings back if it all goes pear shaped for them later.

YANBU! These situations are so tough, I've been there.

Just be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel what you feel without guilt.

I know exactly how you feel. My wife and I were trying for years, the our 2 friends (another lesbian couple) got pregnant first try. I was sick with jealousy, so much so that I only saw my friend twice during her whole pregnancy. Once the child was here I couldn’t bring myself to go and visit.

After 3 weeks I bit the bullet and fell in love straight away. I was so annoyed I’d missed out on my friends pregnancy and sharing it but I think deep down she knew what I was doing.

If it gives you any hope, my wife fell pregnant on our 6th and last try. It will happen. Keep strong and stay positive x

Hi OP, firstly I totally understand where you are coming from, and it really is ok to feel that way, I think you will find it is very common to do so. I had feelings of jealousy and bitterness when it seemed everyone around me was getting pregnant except for me.
I have a 18 week baby boy now, but he didn't come about without pain and hurdles along the way. He was my 6th pregnancy, I had 5 losses consecutively before him, all within the space of 2 years. I feel very lucky to have him, but I don't want you to think that when you see a pregnant woman or women with children that it automatically means everything went well for them and that they haven't suffered. I understand what you mean, and I would hate for someone struggling to conceive or someone who has had a miscarriage to look at me and think I have my baby so I have the perfect life. Because if they did I would love to tell them of my hurt and losses along the way, to show that they aren't alone in this terribly stressful time of trying for a baby.
I know it seems unfair, and you're friend probably just wanted to share her happy news with you. For you your world stops, however for others it just continues.
If she knows about your feelings etc I don't think she would have told you, but if she does know how you really feel about trying for a baby etc then I think it was quite mean, but I personally don't think it was the latter.
Try to concentrate on yourself. Have you made a GP appointment about your losses? They can help you. I'm sure you will one day be successful! You've got to keep on trying.
I totally get where you are coming from.
Hope you are ok.

Fedup ditto! My 6th too, and a friend of mine, hers was successful on the 6th aswell.

@RedWineAllMine congratulations. I think seeing stories like ours will give the OP some hope. I know mine was all but gone. Especially as my wife was certain she’d cone on the night before the test. Turns out it was implantation bleeding!

Mummytobe congratulations to you aswell! And yes, early bleeding isn't always bad! But we always think the worst don't we? Can't help if from negative past experiences etc.

I hope what we have said gives the OP some hope, as everyone deserves a bit of hope don't they.
I hope OP knows she isn't alone, and that people who have gone through exactly the same thing as her have had positive outcomes in the end.

@ConstantWork
Not BU your friend is insensitive, she’s got children already isn’t sure she’s definitely pregnant why the need to share news in that manner.,,

You’re totally entitled to feel like you do.
For those saying she’s not s good friend for the way she’s saying it, it’s really hard to know the best way to tell a friend this kind of news. One of my best friends tried for 10 years to have her children. In that time I had 4 children in very rapid succession. Each time I felt bad, and it got progressively worse with each baby. I tried to tell her as soon as possible via text to give her space and then let her know I understood if she didn’t want to see me for a while. I still don’t know if that was the right thing. It’s hard.

I’m so sorry for your loses op I completely understand where your coming from me and my partner have been trying for 15 months without success we are now having to go through fertility tests and it upsets me more than I thought it would when I see pregnant women and I do wonder why it can’t be me I just have to hope that my chance will come soon. Good luck I wish you all the best and I hope you get your bundle of joy very soon. X