Kid's birthday AIBU

[Sassypants82]

It's my preschooler's birthday on Thursday with a party on Saturday which all the friends are invited to. On Thurs, we've agreed to have a bbq in the garden and invited family. I haven't said it yet to my parents.

DH invited his siblings (there are many of them - all living locally and who we spend AT LEAST one day a week with one, a few or all of, minimum). It onlyh suits two of them on Thurs - all good, no pressure on anyone.

Here's my AIBU. One of the attending siblings' birthday is the day before my child's. I mentioned in passing last night that I must ring my parents to invite them for Thurs. DH asked me perhaps not to, as he wants to celebrate both sibling & child's birthday together & it might seem a bit strange for sibling if my parents are there...

Now, I think this is totally unreasonable and I'm not prepared to not ask them to visit their grandchild on their birthday to possibly (cos I reckon sibling wouldn't care!) make sibling feel more comfortable. Fair enough if they're busy, but I want to ask them.

So as not to drip feed, MIL died last month. Its been very sad. DHs family are very close & supportive & spending lots of time together. Also, sibling has a night out planned for sat night for birthday - dinner & a show, DH has declined to attend.

When I challenged DH on this request (not to invite my DPs) he just shut me down & wouldn't discuss or see my view - just sort of said sarcastically, yes, have it your own way etc.

We will be spending approximately 1.5hrs with my DPs on sat afternoon at another event for another grandchild where the focus will be firmly (and rightly so) on them. (my child's cousin).

I'm also ovet 31wks pregnant and a bit irritable if that's relevant.

Who is being unreasonable?

Your DH is BU. It's a party, the more the merrier.

Would you not just call Sibling and say "My M&D are coming too as its Little Freds birthday". Unless your parents are the antichrist I cantsee what wrong with this. (Does your DH not like your parents?)

He is. Definitely. Your evening event for a child's birthday is a staple GP event. I think your DH is being a bit weird about this - would his siblings even mind your DP being there?

Ask him why he thinks it would be strange to have your parents at your house for a party to celebrate your child’s birthday and why would that effect his sibling?

I suspect it’s because his mum isn’t going to be there so he doesn’t want another mum taking her place (as illogical as that may be) but he needs to talk to you about that.

Tell him your not going to not invite them and as his sibling is also your family then you’re sure your parents would be happy to celebrate their birthday too.

He certainly does seem to like them! They get on great & have always been so good to all of us. They chat away & get on great.. He's just always been especially protective of this particular sibling and I suppose he's just thinking about their comfort.

I genuinely think that sibling would be very happy to spend time with them on Thurs & wouldn't be a bit bothered - this is all DH.

And I also don't think that sibling expects any sort of fuss to be made of them on Thursday, they know it'll be about little Fred whose turning 5.

The bbq will be max 2hrs as both ours & sibling's kids will need to go to bed. It's so ridiculous but it has really annoyed me & is making me dig my heels in.

Not helped by the fact that I think he's being really lazy at the moment & I can't really say anything cos he's grieving!

He's being unreasonable but grief will do that, especially when it's so raw. Of course your parents should come, but I can understand him wanting to cocoon with his family a little bit. I'm sure pp is right about it being hard to see your mum with the DC too.

Thanks everyone for the perspectives. I'll try to be gentle & understanding with my approach but I'll be inviting my parents.

Unfortunately he's not talking a great deal, in dept, about his DM. She was a good age & enjoyed relatively good health most of her life so maybe he feels like he hasn't got a right to find it so hard to take.

My DPs and MIL got on famously together & always enjoyed seeing each other for a good chat, catch up & laugh so it's hard for me to understand bit I will keep trying.

Yanbu but I can see where he's coming from and it's just a little soon to expect him to be reasonable. My dad died last year and seeing my FIL with my kids is one of the hardest parts. My FIL is lovely and on my birthday, six weeks after my dad died, he rallied the in laws to make a fuss. It was awful. I just wanted MY dad to wish me happy birthday and since that wasn't happening I wanted the whole day to sod off.

I avoided dfil quite a bit in the first few months, largely because he is lovely and he is a great grandad. Having him at a dc birthday bbq a few weeks after would have made the event harder.

Thanks little tabby. Sorry about your Dad.

Thank you. I thought I should add that both my parents and my in laws were 'a good age' and my in laws are not in perfect health. I know in the next few years my DH is likely to lose one or both of them. So I made a conscious effort to keep fil included in family events (I just went out when we visited for ordinary things). Fathers Day and Christmas were hard but I didn't want to ruin what could be important memories for my DH and dc.

My DH lost both his parents before we had DCs, so my parents are our DCs only grandchildren. My DH is grateful that the DC and my parents have a great relationship, but it still makes him sad that his parents never got to know our DC or that DC didn't get to know his Mum and Dad. I wonder if - whether your DH realised it himself or not - this or more about feeling it is hard if your DS have one grandmother doting on him while in DH's and maybe his siblings' mind there is an empty space where the other grandmother should be.

I absolutely do think you should invite your parents, but I think you should be treating your DH with the sympathy for someone still grieving and trying to protect grieving siblings, not just assuming he is being an irrational jerk.