To think they should not be abusing his good nature

9 replies

Corinthian44 · 14/05/2019 06:29

My partners DD of 33 is moving back to her mums because she's splitting up with her husband. She also has two boys and a small pt job which doesn't pay much.
One ex husband will contribute for one child the other father off the radar.
Her mum earns a good wage but is useless with money.
So my partner feels obliged to contribute to their upkeep with our joint money because he feels it's the right thing to do....
I think at this age she should be self sufficient , thoughts?

OP posts:

gobbynorthernbird · 14/05/2019 06:31

I think it's OK, but only if time limited.

HBStowe · 14/05/2019 06:31

Of course she should be, but it’s (understandably!) going to be hard for your husband to see her struggle.

Could you compromise by suggesting there’s a strict time limit on how long he will offer financial support for, and that after that she’s on her own and needs to find a job?

Sirzy · 14/05/2019 06:33

So there becomes an age where you should stop supporting your children?

She is trying to find her feet again after a split. If he is in a position to help her out then I don’t see an issue with it.

WoogleCone · 14/05/2019 06:33

As a one off to help her get her on her feet with the children I think is fine and I'd do the same for mine.
As a substitute for income, no way. I don't know what attitude the DD has towards money etc but I'd be very wary of becoming her secondary income for life!

user1493413286 · 14/05/2019 06:35

I think that’s fair for a few months to help get on her feet but it should come from his money, not yours unless you wanted it to.

newmumwithquestions · 14/05/2019 06:48

So... dad supports adult daughter? I think that’s a good thing.

She’s going through a pretty life changing time at the moment - if he can reduce her financial stress why wouldn’t he?

Unless there’s a massive back story here YABU.

Her mum earns a good wage but is useless with money
The mum (your partners ex I assume!) is opening her home to her daughter - that’s a pretty big help for someone to find their feet again. So the daughter would be getting supported by both parents - sounds like a pretty good family to me! It’s not the daughters fault if the mum is rubbish with money.

Sirzy · 14/05/2019 07:12

Also there seems to be an underlying view from the op that the mother should be supporting (or why would her financial position be mentioned) yet the father shouldn’t?

mrsm43s · 14/05/2019 07:25

If you don't want to hand over cash, then perhaps they could move in with your DH and he could support them in that way? Honestly, I will support my children when they are in need whatever their ages.

catsmother · 14/05/2019 07:43

It's not wrong to try and help your nearest and dearest in times of true crisis, regardless of how old they are. I truly believe family should help each other when they can.

Nonetheless, any help needs to be balanced - it needs to be affordable, and also given on the understanding it's temporary while she sorts her life out.

What I would say though is that if this generosity is coming from 'joint' money, your DP should NOT be making any unilateral decisions without your agreement. You either come to an arrangement that you're both happy with, or, if that's impossible, the help he gives comes from his personal spends. Obviously I don't know how you arrange your finances but however well meaning, he can't just give joint money away if it has a direct effect on you unless you're on board with it 100% or else that's a sure recipe for resentment.

Is there a back story here - do you feel his DD might be able to do more to help herself perhaps?

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