How often do you see MIL? (Particularly if you have DC’s)

[JustAnUnimaginativeUsername]

I know everyone’s lives are wildly different, but just trying to gauge what the somewhat 'norm’ is for MIL visits/frequency of them?

DH and I have 2DC’s, and I think MIL has seen our youngest DC - who’s almost 18 months old - about 4 times since birth, one of those times being a flying visit of less than 10 minutes. DC1 will be 3 in December and I genuinely don’t think he’d even know who MIL is if she was to walk through our front door right now.

She works a regular 9-5, so granted the weekends are hers to do with however she pleases, but she only lives about a 10-15 minute car journey from us, so wouldn’t have to move heaven and earth to get here for a cup of tea, a catch up or some play time over the park with our DC's.
A couple of times DH has messaged her asking if she’d like to do a particular thing with all of us, to which she’s either not replied or has been ‘busy’ (usually at home watching football..), I too have sent a couple messages over the last few years inviting her to ours, saying we’d cook lunch and that it'd be nice for her to see her grandchildren in the process, but she doesn’t reply to me whatsoever.

I know we could go and visit her, but we don’t have a car, and the journey from ours to hers via bus takes well an over hour which is no fun with a two year old and one year old in tow.. far easier for her to jump in her car and drive for a few minutes for the sake of her seeing her grandchildren, but alas, it never happens.

I don’t really know if her lack of interest/lack of visits is the norm for MIL’s? My DM, for comparison, sees us as often as she can, at least once a month but usually every other weekend if we’re not busy doing something else, she also tries to take the DC’s out one at a time for some one on one time with them which is lovely and means our eldest gets really excited when he knows she's coming round. My step mother and DF will try and get round to us/have us over at theirs an average of once every 2-3 months, but if they can’t make it/a fair amount of time has passed between visits, it’s no big deal as I hear from them a few times throughout the month anyway for a chat and a catch up, whereas MIL quite literally never checks in to see how we’re all doing or asks after our DC’s.

Is this is a common thing? Or does it seem like there might be something else going on here?

Do your MiL’s make an effort and seem interested in your DC’s?

2X a year is all i can take.

About 4 times a year three of those being Christmas and New year and MILs birthday, it’s only when we make the effort to visit them, they live 20mins drive away and are both able and both drive.

We see my mum and MIL every week. Kids see them twice a week as they collect from school one evening each. My dad barely saw my son for the first two years just Christmas and birthdays etc. When I was heavily pregnant with my daughter I said to him that neither my son or I had the relationship with him we would like. Since then he's basically come over once a week to see us. I never thought it was a case that he didn't love us but more just that he was a bit absent. I actually think it's been better for him than us. His favourite part of the week is collecting my daughter from nursery as she runs over so happy to see him. My dad has had a hard time with my brother and think he just got so engrossed in that that everything else sort of faded into the background with no ill-will intended. Glad we see more of him now. I expect if I hadn't said anything things would have continued with 2-3 visits per year. He wasn't the type to have got upset and offended with my comments and I really tried hard to say it in a way that didn't sound critical of the past just to try and build a closer relationship going forward. I'm grateful he took it in the way it was as intended though. Just wanted to give you an example of how things can change for the better.

DH sees her only when I do (maybe 2-3 times a year at the absolute most). I admit he could make more of an effort with her, but that being said, it swings both ways and from what I can tell, she doesn't really contact him either.

I think the whole visiting thing - or lack thereof - confuses me mostly because when we announced we were pregnant with DC1 over 3 years ago, she was so excited for us. Up until then, she only had granddaughters and she used to make (lighthearted but also pretty serious) remarks about hoping I'd bring a grandson to the family, she wanted a boy, was desperate for a grandson etc. When we discovered the sex, she was overjoyed! But now that he's here, it's like he doesn't exist in her world, same for DC2, but if DH posts a photo of them on FB, she's almost always first to comment about them being 'her boys' and 'that's my boy!' and I'm just sat there reading it all like

It's just a shame, really. I have no overwhelming desire to have some strong MIL/DIL relationship with her, but I couldn't possibly imagine down the line, my DC's having children of their own and me being this disinterested! Guess we're all different though.

Most days, picks my children up from school 2 days a week so is here when I get home from work. Then she always pops in on a 3rd day in the week and always comes on a Sunday. We live very close, I could walk to hers in 5 minutes.
I nearly started a thread yesterday asking AIBU to not want her here every Sunday after we had been out for the day to meet friends yesterday (without her). When we got home DH phoned her and she really arsey and made dh feel guilty for not seeing her .

Probably about twice a month at the moment. It was twice a week for a few years after dfil died, which was quite draining, but I'm glad we did.

5-8 times a year. This year so far two, but will see her at the end of the month. In-laws come down twice a year for the boys’ birthdays and the rest is us driving up to see them and the rest of DP’s family.

I have a cordial relationship with mil. We’re not close but we get along. Kind of a bit indifferent, I guess. I notice that she nor fil put in much effort with the boys except during visits and even then it seems a bit sparse at times. We live in the SE and they live in the NE. I’m not sure if it’s because the rest of their grandchildren are all near them now and they watch them for SIL and BIL or something else, but I leave it to DP to handle it. MIL couldn’t even watch them for an hour (BIL and SIL were there with their kids at the time) after we scheduled it almost a month in advanced and then waited til 15 minutes before we were about to head off to dinner with her son’s friend and wife to say she couldn’t and us having to rush and take two small children with us. Her reason was they were seemingly too much a handful yet she watches her other grandchildren (one being two weeks younger than our oldest and the other a year older than our youngest) and they’re usually louder than ours and she has watched our children in the past. Our oldest usually sits playing with toys or will watch his tablet with his brother either joining him with the tablet or playing with something else. That caused a bit of friction between dp and his mum knowing my parents seem to be able to do so and they see them in person much less so we’ve decided not to ask again.

My parents live in the US and have only seen the boys in person a handful of times since birth, but Skype 1-2 times a week to talk to them and us. Our boys know them and the youngest at 19 mo runs to the camera and blows kisses to them when he says goodbye and has been doing so for months. In-laws call their son and only ask about us and the boys, don’t try to see or talk and they know how to use Skype since both of their sons lived in North America for years before they moved back to England.

As another poster said, not going to force them to be more involved.

Once or twice a year but we don't live in the same country. She would love us to live down the road so she could pop in every day but it would not end well!

My DW's parents are lovely but live abroad. My DM has a standing invitation to come on Monday or Saturday afternoons but simply point blank refuses to come. Excuses range from washing her hair to not liking to drive to ours. She insists we come to her museum of a house in middle of nowhere on Sunday afternoons rather than come to our house where we have all DD's toys and are 2 minutes from massive park where she can run wils. I go every 3-4 weeks for an hour or so as it's so boring for DD. Went yesterday and DM and DB sat and watched football for an hour in near silence

Most weeks I see MIL absolute minimum of 3 times a week. Usually it's closer to 5 times a week.

She looks after baby (and collects older 2 from school) 3 days a week. I try to give her a break from us but we usually see her over the weekend. We live close so we are often passing each others house and pop in.

My MIL has keys and let's herself in. I realise it's a very unconventional relationship for MN

She's a wonderful woman and I look forward to taking her out for dinner next week (we try to go out every month! But this month it's my treat)

She might just not be that into you.

We see my parents an average of every 3-4 months or so. They live about 4 hours' drive from us. My ILs live in the UK; we are in Canada. We have been to see them twice in the 8 years we've been married.

To be honest, agnurse I think you might be right. I've had this niggle from day one that I'm not her favourite person, but honestly, how much could she hate me that she'd be willing to miss out on seeing her grandchildren grow up?

If she lived far away, had a hectic social life, or even worked shifts, I'd be able to understand it a bit better and could reason with how little she wants to see us/the DC's, but she lives so close to us and honestly does nothing exciting with her weekends, so I really don't think only managing to see us (a maximum of) 3 times a year is on.

I do try not to let it get to me, and not get trapped in the downward spiral of 'oh, it's because of me, she must hate me and that's why she avoids us' but it is hard not to come to that conclusion when I can see no other logical reasoning for it!

Never because she’s certifiably batshit and extremely toxic.

It seems like something is going on, but I wouldn't necessarily think that it's you, she would presumably still try and see her son but it sounds like that's not the case either. Do you know if she sees her other GC often at all?
We live next door to my MIL and she absolutely adores our DS, she's a massive help and we're really lucky that we all get on very well.
Growing up I saw my Grandmother maybe once a week but DP stayed with his grandma every weekend and they're very close so I think it's just what individual families are used to.
But I really feel for you, it's the not knowing why that's worse sometimes. Do you feel like you or your partner could ask her why she doesn't show much interest? Better to maybe have a conversation and try and come to some kind of better relationship than leave it if that's something you want. Hope you get some answers

Wow I’m so envious of all you visiting in laws 2/3 times a week and seeming happy about it. That was my dream once and now all I want is for them to stay far faaaaar away

Once every couple of years. We live on different continents though. Before we left the UK we saw her about 3 or 4 times a year.

See MIL atleast once a week, she is very involved with our children and always has been. Unlike my mum who never sees them. Probably a good thing as she is a complete PITA!

About once a month but they live about ninety minutes away, will be once a week when I'm back at work, as MIL is coming down to look after DS for us

My MIL is the same. She works and finishes too late to see DC in the evening. At weekends she never bothers to pop in. Probably because we don’t get on, and also because she has her own life and goes on dates. It doesn’t bother me in the slightest, in fact I prefer that she stays away. In contrast my friend’s MIL is a lovely lady who babysits two days a week and at least two evenings so she can go out. I envy her!

My DF is retired and visits every Tuesday, DM visits once a week roughly but not always at the same time as DF friending on her work pattern. We see DB SIL and DNs four or five times a month, recent bank holiday we saw them Saturday Sunday and Monday, but we've not seen them since. Sometimes we see them all together. PIL and my family get on well and we are all going on holiday together again next summer. I realise this is hell for lots of people here!

In a weird way I like this thread.

Even though I have the worst relationship with MIL, but I do like how most of you here seem to get on. It seemed like there’s always strained relations on mumsnet (including me!)

Dh visits inlaws once a week, takes kids once a month maybe. They dont take much notice of them.
My parents on the other hand look after our kids and if they dont have them while we working we are visiting them or them visiting us. I talk to my mum several times a day. My parents adore all their grand kids and helps my brothers and sisters alot too. I am very lucky. My dh always says he wants us to be just like my parents helping our children and grand children.

We see MIL at least once or twice a month (lives 30 miles away). My mum once every 2/3 months (lives 100 miles away). Both are supportive and want to be involved in the childrens lives as much as possible. My dad on the other hand lives abroad and shows little interest in his grandchildren. We're lucky if he calls once every 3 months.

Dh used to take our two ds to see his mum every weekend for a couple of hours, she’s a widow and doesn’t drive, and seemed to prefer to have them visit her, although she used to come to us for Sunday dinner every couple of weeks too.
When dh died I made sure to still take the boys to see her, I used to leave them to it and collect them after a couple of hours....they were old enough by then to play a board game with her, or watch a dvd - she told her friends she was helping me out by having them
Now they’re grown up, driving, and working, I leave them to make arrangements with her themselves and they go and see her maybe once a month or so.
She’s never interfered, or babysat, or had them to stay even for one night...but we’re perfectly pleasant and polite. Mad to think I’ve known her for nearly 36 years and yet I don’t feel I really know her at all.

Does it bother your DH?