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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be anxious when staying away from home

31 replies

Lindylu74 · 12/05/2019 21:11

Does anyone else get bad anxiety when they have to stay away from home? I am usually fine if I’m away with my husband and/or kids but when I’m away on my own, I get terrible anxiety - pounding heart, shakes, can’t sleep. Even worse when I have to share a room with someone. It means I have to avoid girls’ weekends/nights away and there are quite a few coming up as it’s 40th birthdays this year. I know it’s not the worst problem to have but it’s annoying. I’m thinking of trying hypnotherapy. If anyone has been through this and has any suggestions, I’d be grateful! I’m not sure what has caused it.

OP posts:
Trottersindependenttraders · 12/05/2019 21:20

Yes, I do. I’ve travelled with work for the last decade but these last couple of years I have struggled being away from home and without DH & DC.

Like you say, it’s a physical reaction - pounding heart and sometimes a knot in my stomach. It’s worse the night before I come home, weirdly, as I start to worry about flight cancellations / delays getting to the airport etc.

I’m not sure what started it, until recently I didn’t know it was anxiety but had started to realise I can’t go on like this every time I am away.
Following your thread with interest op, especially any suggestions about how to treat.

fudgesmummy · 12/05/2019 21:33

In 53 years I have NEVER stayed away from home on my own.
I haven’t even been on a bus or a train on my own!

Sparklesocks · 12/05/2019 21:36

I think anxiety generally is quite a common issue, and the type you have is shared by many.
Of course the majority of people feel more comfortable in their own home in their own bed, it’s safe and comforting. But if it’s stopping you joining in with things you want to do, and having a significantly negative impact on your life, then yes it might be worth exploring cbt or similar.

ComicSans · 12/05/2019 21:39

Really fudges? How is that?

OP, can you minimise stress by electing not to share a room? I’m not particularly anxious about staying away from home, but what does make me anxious is not being able to have a bolt hole to be alone in. I never share rooms with anyone other than DH or DS.

Sparklesocks · 12/05/2019 21:52

fudges really? you’ve never travelled to a job alone, or met someone at a location rather than travelling together?

WonderTweek · 12/05/2019 22:23

Same! The night before I have to leave I'm a bit of a mess and I get so sad! Then have to run to the bathroom a million times before actually leaving the next day. Blush I keep checking maps, keys, phone, charger and stressing about everything. And this is just for leisure - I've not travelled for work for a while but if I had to I'd be a right state. I would recommend getting your own room if at all possible. If you can't get one, perhaps tell the people that you're sharing with that you get anxious and hopefully they'll understand. Or pretend you're a bit under the weather which could excuse any odd behaviour. Grin

In all seriousness, if you feel like it's really impacting your life then it might be worth visiting your GP or someone who can offer CBT etc. I'm not sure I'm quite there yet but I do get unnecessarily anxious about these things so may consider it in the future.

Original poster
Lindylu74 · 13/05/2019 07:14

Thanks everyone. It’s good to know I’m not the only one. ComicSans I would like to book my own room and don’t mind paying the extra but feel embarrassed to ask as they would want to know why. Often they are booking an air bnb and just assume that everyone is willing to share. Sometimes I just say I cant make those dates or I have had to cancel at the last minute despite having paid as I know that I won’t enjoy the trip worrying the whole time about whether I will sleep or not! I feel like it’s something I should get over at the age of 40.

OP posts:
nrpmum · 13/05/2019 07:21

I've found as I've got older I've got more like it. I'm 42 this year. I am going to my Mum's later this year for a friend's wedding and I'm already stressed out about transport. I also really hate sleeping in a bed on my own, so try and avoid going anywhere overnight without my husband.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/05/2019 07:35

I don't get full blown anxiety, but I definitely would prefer to stay at home. I've travelled loads in the past, but for the past few years I have no desire to travel anywhere, aside from car trips 6 hours or less. The whole time I'm away I can't wait to get home, even if I'm having a nice visit.

BertrandRussell · 13/05/2019 07:38

“ ComicSans I would like to book my own room and don’t mind paying the extra but feel embarrassed to ask as they would want to know why.”
A friend of mine who feel like this always books her own room and says it’s because she snores and talks in her sleep.

anothernotherone · 13/05/2019 07:44

Lindylu74 I always book my own room. I just say I snore.

I live being away from home for a few nights, the delicious freedom of it! Sharing a room would ruin it.

ineedaholidaynow · 13/05/2019 07:48

I get anxious if I have to share a room, so would always pay extra to have my own room and say that I snore and am really restless at night.

fudges that seems really strange.

anothernotherone · 13/05/2019 07:52

fudgesmummy why not? That sounds so limiting and a recipe for disaster if your partner ever leaves or predeceases you by a decade or two... Is there a specific reason you can't be independent?

Lefields · 13/05/2019 08:12

OP, I don’t like and refuse to share a room with anyone other than DH. I go on lots of trips away with friends etc but I always book my own room. And I’m blunt about it too, I say I like/ need my own space. But my friends know me well enough to know that’s the truth. When I’ve been on girls holidays abroad, around 3pm, most are still at the beach or by the pool sunbathing and nattering. I pack up and go back to my room to chill out for a while, phone my mum/ DP etc and just enjoy some peace and quiet before I have to be sociable again all evening. My friends would rather I did this and attend these things, than make excuses and not go because I can’t be myself/ have my own room.

I would just be honest with your friends/ whoever is organising and say ‘look, I really want to attend X event but I’m afraid I really need my own room. I get anxiety nowadays and the thought of sharing a room with someone just makes me not want to go at all, I need my own space. I really hope that’s okay.’

ComicSans · 13/05/2019 09:45

Gosh, I just say I never share rooms. In fact, I do both talk and walk in my sleep, but I'm perfectly frank about the fact that I just don't like sharing rooms, and that I never do. I don't need to give pseudo-excuses.

fudgesmummy · 13/05/2019 10:15

Well I drive so don't have any need to go on a bus or a train but I have never driven to meet anyone ether. I find it very hard to make (and keep friends ☹️) I have never been out for lunch with a friend or gone shopping.
I haven't got anyone apart from my DH to go away with, my biggest wish would be to go away with my grown up DS and DD but that is never going to happen. I can't imagine what it would be like to stay in a hotel on my own, I wouldn't have a clue what to do. If we go away (which isn't often as I don't like being away from home) my DH does everything.
I don't like even going into town on my own as it makes me so anxious and yes I would be stuffed if I ever end up on my own.

Benes · 13/05/2019 10:26

fudgesmummy That must me tough of your DH ( And you)
Do you work?

Doing things alone can be wonderfully liberating and I think it's important for both people in a relationship to have some independence.

Benes · 13/05/2019 10:26

*must be tough for your DH

Not sure what happened there!

Hearhere · 13/05/2019 10:33

I am the same, I hate being away from my own home, get very anxious unless I have my own room and my own bathroom 😣

ComicSans · 13/05/2019 11:39

I have never been out for lunch with a friend or gone shopping.

Yet you met someone, dated and married, and had two children you raised to adulthood?

PamelaX · 13/05/2019 11:57

I have no anxiety whatsoever, and I used to travel quite a lot for work, less now with the kids.

I don't share room. Ever! Unless it's my DH or my kids, I just don't do communal life. I don't make a big deal out of it, I just state that I prefer my own room. I am more than happy to go to a different hotel if there's not enough space.

I can't understand people who accept to share room with a work colleague when they dislike it. Put your foot down!

One of the perks of being an adult is that you don't have to share, I am making the most of it. (unless you have a specific job in the army or something, then that goes with it obviously)

fudgesmummy · 13/05/2019 12:01

Benes. Yes he gets very frustrated about my lack of independence. He is always encouraging me to do more on my own. I am so scared of doing something wrong or stupid that I can't do it.
Yes I have worked as a childminder for the last 25 years, we work together. I do school runs on my own with the children but we go to activities, groups etc together.
Coomicsans. Yes! We have been married for nearly 33 years. We met at a church youth group and was my first and only boyfriend. By never having going shopping I mean with a friend or family member other than DH or my children. I haven't got anyone else to go with.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 13/05/2019 12:03

No I don’t. I don’t relax as well when on my own, especially if it’s only one night, but

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 13/05/2019 12:03

Ooops. Posted too soon!

But then again I would pay extra to not share a room. I’d share with my sister but not anyone else.

Benes · 13/05/2019 12:06

Surely if you've been out places with your DH then you've seen how he does things.....what sort of things do you think you will do wrong? You'll only learn if you actually try things.

Could you ask your husband to talk you through some basics or just watch him next time you're out?

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