To ask for help with toddler and consequences?

[WhenZogateSuperworm]

My 2.5 year old has turned into a nightmare the last 3 weeks.

If he gets told no for something he will scream and cry for ages in tantrum.

He will pick toys up and throw them or kick them for no reason. When told not to he will often look at me and then do it again saying “it’s funny”.

He will run up to me and hit me for no reason then run away.

He whinges and whines constantly.

He has a new baby sibling and so I expected some behaviour decline but this is driving me crazy.

I need some idea for consequences for him. The noise I am ignoring but the deliberate doing something I’ve said not too, or the hitting, I feel needs an action. We are using a reward chart for positive behaviour already.

introduce time out. make a time out corner, and show him it when he is calm. this link article helps explain how to introduce it x

Thanks. We’ve had a go with time out but found it hard to implement as he just kept getting up constantly and screaming the place down. He got in such a state about it I couldn’t calm him down.

Will have a read and give it another go.

Toddler have a poor grasp of time or delay so any consequences need to be immediate and linked to the original action.

For example, when he throws a toy at you tell him "we don't throw toys, toy is going away now" (or words to that effect) and put the toy out of reach for a little bit until he's calmed down. If he hits you then tell him "no hitting" and put him down/move away from him, he'll come running straight back to you and that's fine but the act of putting him down/moving away will help teach him that it's not an acceptable behaviour. Personally I ignore tantrums, if they're happening somewhere that's unsafe such as the top of the stairs then I'll move DC elsewhere but that's all, for the tantrum itself I stay in range of sight/hearing but I step away and I don't engage as anything I say or do is liable to fuel it further then once DC has calmed down we cuddle and we talk about why they were upset.

In the main though, lots of praise when he shows the behaviours you do want to see, lots of cuddles and reassurance. Don't push the big brother/big boy angle too much. When I had DC2/3/4 I found that my toddler suddenly didn't want to be a big boy/big girl any more, they wanted to be my baby still! So I did lots of reassurance along those lines too.

The early days are the hardest, it gets easier

Thank you Doom- that is more or less what I have been doing so far.

The tantrums I understand and, whilst infuriating at the time, I can ignore. It’s the blatant rule breaking that is really getting me down. It sounds awful but I really don’t enjoy spending time with him anymore. 8 weeks ago he was my little side kick, we spent a lot of time together and he was a delight (most of the time anyway!). When he looks at me and then smiles and does the exact opposite of what I’ve said, or says “no” and refuses to do something I’ve asked I am taking it personally and finding it really hard to deal with.

I teach teenagers so am used to dealing with behaviour issues, but they can be reasoned with- 2 year olds can’t!

What Doom said. Is he getting much one on one time?

@Apileofballyhoo only when baby is sleeping as I have them both with me all day. We still do all his activities that he enjoys and go out to places like soft play regularly. Luckily baby has been an easy one so far and although she is breastfed which obviously takes some of my attention, she generally is ok sat in a swing chair or laid on her playmat.

Toddler still goes to childminders 2 days a week and behaviour there is usually perfect.

What about your DH or DP? Can he provide extra one on one attention? Or keep an eye on the baby while you do it? It just seems that he's unsettled because of the new arrival, and looking for your attention in the wrong way.

Always prevent him from hurting others or himself by physically removing whatever needs removing. Remove anything he misbehaves with.

Time out might actually make him worse, as in he needs more attention, not less, and time out might make him feel more isolated and removed from you.

What used you do together before baby arrived? Just try and make special time together. If you can, say things like 'Daddy's looking after baby now so I can have my special time with you'. Just keep affirming that he's the best at being him in every way you can. Such a great help, so much fun, so cuddly, so clever, so lovely etc...

I know it must be so difficult. I breastfed DS and it was full on for the first 8-12 weeks.

DH doesn’t get home until after 7pm in the week so only just makes it for bedtime. At weekends he takes DS to his swimming lesson so he has some 1:1 time with him, and then he does help watch the baby at home so I can play with DS in the afternoons.

Look into time ins vs time outs. Time outs just teach children having emotions and showing them isn’t allowed and they have to go and be alone somewhere until they’ve stopped having the feeling. Not a good message.

As previous poster said look at time in rather than time out and ignore as much as of the negative behaviour as possible

With the blatant rule breaking, I tend to avoid negatives like "no" and "don't" and try to make positive requests. Struggling to think of an example due to pregnant baby brain, but something like "let's staying the floor" rather than "don't climb the furniture"? Terrible example, but hopefully it makes sense! Obviously that doesn't apply to things like hitting which are dealt with much more firmly.

I'll be watching the other replies with interest as I'm terrified that my DC will go a similar way when number two arrives.

stay on not staying!

And also totally agree with the time in idea.

Yes to ‘time in’s’ and to consequences being related to behaviour as far as possible, plus lots and lots of distractions. ‘Please don’t throw the truck, it might break, I’m going to put it safely over here, you can throw this balloon/ball/beanbag if you want to throw. Can you get it in the box?’ It’s exhausting but slightly less exhausting than the ‘for chrissake I said no!’ point I reach otherwise. Try ‘how to talk so little kids will listen’ and ‘siblings without rivalry’ by the same authors, I read them on kindle on my phone during night feeds!
I am in a very similar position but the baby is now 6 months and the toddler is at nursery 3.5 days. The truly awful tantrum at everything stage seems to be passing if that gives you any hope!!

Agree with telling them what to do, not what not to do.

I think similar behaviour is starting in my just turned 2 year old with hitting and throwing things when upset or told off. I've been looking for some books to read together and might get Hands Are Not For Hitting and will have to look for one about feelings and calming down.

Good luck!

I just wanted to say you’re not alone, I could have written your post word for word, my DS is 2.5 and DD is 6 weeks and DS has been a real nightmare. I’ve been struggling to deal with it (as has DH) so I’m going to try some of the tips here too as i know he can be lovely, it’s just a really hard time for them. Good luck!

Buy 1,2,3 magic by child psychologist Dr Thomas Phelan.

Brilliant book, I bought it when my DC2 aged 2 had s massive tantrum about something and scratched his sister's face (she still has the scar 12 years later) the book was a godsend and what it taught worked on both of the kids.

I don't have any advice, just sympathy as I am struggling with rule breaking and consequences with my 3.1 year old DS.

He loves running away deliberately, usually when heading home (he'll run to the other end of the park, or a fork path with no cars). He would look back with a cheeky grin thinking it's a great game when I get cross and holler at him to come back. Then run some more until I try to chase and catch him. I am pregnant and slow and when I eventually catch him I get SO cross, but I have no idea how to make him stop.

I have tried praising and rewarding him for good behaviour and warning him in advance not to do it again. It works sometimes but how can I make him understand and learn when the worst consequence is a few minutes on the naughty step??

He also screams and kicks when we have to change him, brush his teeth, etc. It's just so exhausting.

He loves running away deliberately...I have no idea how to make him stop

Reins, you can get backpack reins too. That stops it being the game he's created and that he enjoys.