AIBU to want DH to consider weight loss surgery.?

[DuckWillow]

Please be gentle here....no fat shaming please.

I’ve been married to DH for nearly 20 years. He was always a very big man but this has never been an issue. He is lovely, kind and gentle and we have a very happy marriage.

Recently I have been worrying about him as his weight which was always high is now affecting his health. The last time he was weighed he was 33 stones which was a shock to him but he is very good at burying his head in the sand and ignoring stuff if it’s a challenge.

He was around 27 stones I think when we met and it’s never been an issue between us. I love him just as he is but I am concerned about his health.

Recently I’ve been watching and reading stuff about bariatric surgery and I wonder if DH would be a candidate. I know it’s a huge decision to make and at present DH is not shut in at home ...he works part time (self employed) doing a job he loves and it helps pay all the bills. I honestly don’t think he could work full time at his weight.

He is now in his early 50s and I am worried about the implications of his weight for the future. I don’t think it would take much to really incapacitate him . His blood pressure is high enough to need medication but beyond that he is healthy.

I am overweight but nowhere near the weight he is...I can shop in normal places for clothes etc. I am also very active as I am a runner which keeps me healthy.

We have a 16 yr old son who is autistic and a normal weight,

I am cooking low fat meals at home but obviously can’t control what’s eaten outside. His job involves travelling with a team of other people (entertainment industry) and let’s just say the wine flows and the food is rich when they are together. It isn’t easy for him to avoid this lifestyle but I feel he is heading to an early grave if thing don’t change. His parents are in their 80s and I know they worry about him too. His siblings are all overweight but again....can shop in normal stores for clothes etc.

Am I worrying too much? I don’t think I am and I really want him to seek help and make a commitment to losing some weight for his own health. I still love him so much and the thought of losing him is more than I can cope with so I don’t often consider it but for the sake of our son I feel we need to be around as long as possible.

I had a gastric bypass in 2000. (I was one of the first 100 people in the UK to have to op and paid for it privately)

Now I eat normally just much smaller amounts. I don't really notice any more that I eat less, I find it difficult to judge how much to give when I am feeding others. I'll maybe put on a plate twice what I have and they polish it off and come back for more. AND they are normal weight.

Initially I couldn't drink much alcohol but can now easily manage a couple of (big) glasses of wine without an issue so long as I drink slowly - which is a good thing. I still struggle with anything fizzy and, though I have not gone vegetarian, I don't eat a lot of meat - there seems little point cooking a 2 oz steak for example.

Occasionally when I go out for a meal (usually have 2 starters now) I see something that I really fancy but that would be a total waste and I wish I could turn it off for a few hours but I have never regretted it. I still have to watch my weight and make the effort to stay active but my size varies between 12 and 16 now whereas I used to be a size 28. I was 21 stone when I had the op and was working full time at a desk job and did very little activity at home. I now walk regularly, am far more generally active and am much fitter at 64 than I was at 40

'Most diets fail, and an obsession with dieting and horror of fatness are <a class="break-all" href="http://go.mumsnet.com/?xs=1&id=470X1554755&url=www.independent.co.uk/voices/finally-a-study-that-confirms-what-i-knew-all-along-fat-acceptance-is-good-for-our-health-10440615.html" target="_blank">far more damaging than eating what you want and not giving a fuck.'

A horror of fatness is not more damaging than eating what you want and not giving a fuck and living with the shame of not being able to buy clothes in a 'normal' shop, never having pictures of yourself with your children because you hide from the camera or dying from a heart attack, cancer, diabetes or DVT before you're even middle aged.

Mumsnet when smoking is discussed: “reeeeeee someone lit a cigarette with in a mile of me, make it stapppp, the horror tut horror”

Mumsnet when obesity is discussed: Tread carefully, OP. Most of what is 'known' about body weight is bullshit, a mix of conformation bias, the massive scam that is the slimming industry, and a profound prejudice against people who are seen as enjoying themselves.
Most diets fail, and an obsession with dieting and horror of fatness are far more damaging than eating what you want and not giving a fuck.

Tread carefully, OP. Most of what is 'known' about body weight is bullshit, a mix of conformation bias, the massive scam that is the slimming industry, and a profound prejudice against people who are seen as enjoying themselves.
Most diets fail, and an obsession with dieting and horror of fatness are far more damaging than eating what you want and not giving a fuck.

I would agree with you when talking about myself, someone who has suffered with eating disorders from my early teens and now eats normally and weighs 10.5 stone (at least two stone more than I’d like). Getting obsessed with my weight again would be far more dangerous to my health than being the weight I am now.

The same is not true of a person who weighs 33 stone. The horror of fatness is not more damaging than being super morbidly obese. When this man eats what he wants and doesn’t give a fuck, he’s risking his life. He has a wife and a child.

I’m the first to say that getting uptight about a stranger’s weight and health is normally ridiculous but if you are 33st that must have a huge impact on your life and family. OP, I hope your DP will agree to seek help.

If he doesn't care and doesn't want to make steps through diet then surgery isn't going to help. He'll just go back to eating how he does now and he'll put any weight he loses back on.

OP I think you really need to take what people are saying with a pinch of salt. The idea you can never eat normally again is a bit extreme. You will be able to eat smaller portions of most foods. But then if he going to lose weight and keep it off he can't go back to what is the current normal. I think you're right to be worried about his health. Support him to talk to his GP as this surgery is done on the NHS in the right circumstances.

Absolutely help him, suggest he looks into surgery, he doesn’t have to take your advice! I’m sure you would suggest help if he was an alcoholic, drug addict, smoker etc. Food is an addiction to obese people, it’s all consuming when the hunger sets in. Greed plays a massive part and that’s where weight loss surgery waves it’s magic wand.

I’m 2 years post sleeve and 10 stone down. I eat normally but less, I have changed my mindset and how I see food and will never let it take me back to the place I was.

It’s about a two year journey filled with psychological assessments, endocrinologist appointments and LOTS of dietician appointments. You need to make an effort to lose some weight (as little as 5%) but the surgeons don’t ask for miracles just commitment.

What it costs the NHS is given back through the person returning to society, getting work, paying taxes etc. The cost of diabetes is about 10k a year to the nhs per patient and that’s without any other health related conditions.

I’m also eligible for skin removal surgery on the nhs and will be making a decision about this soon.

Give him the support to achieve the life he deserves, there are lots of programmes on the television that you can start recording to show him the process.

Good luck - it was honestly the best decision I ever made.

I met a young woman in hospital a few years ago in UK...had a private bypass op paid for by NHS, developed Necrotising fasciitis, sadly died...she was a mother of 5 young children. She was referred for the op for weight loss to help a back problem. Obesity possibly contributed to the infection but not sure. It was horrible, anyway. these ops are major surgery and not without their risks.

A woman I know died very recently due to a complication with a gastric being fitted. It’s major, risky surgery.

And being slim being at odds with enjoying yourself.... fuck off. I’m skinny, I go out for meals a lot, eat takeaways, drink wine. All very very often, I just work round this. Am I going out for a big meal that evening, I’ll have a very light lunch...
It’s not hard

I met a young woman in hospital a few years ago in UK...had a private bypass op paid for by NHS, developed Necrotising fasciitis, sadly died

That’s nothing compared to the numbers of people who die due to obesity related issues.

I wouldn't say deaths from surgery are 'nothing'. I have myself had bowel obstructions from bowel surgery (non obesity related)- a horrible life threatening situation, requiring urgent life saving surgery which in itself creates more scar tissue and risk.

If it is mainly about eating less surely the person can do that without surgery.

More about risks here. best to be aware I guess.

www.upmc.com/services/bariatrics/candidate/risks-and-complications

What Are the Most Common Post-Op Risks and Side Effects Associated with Bariatric Surgery?
Some bariatric surgery risks include:

Acid reflux
Anesthesia-related risks
Chronic nausea and vomiting
Dilation of esophagus
Inability to eat certain foods
Infection
Obstruction of stomach
Weight gain or failure to lose weight
Bariatric Surgery Long-Term Risks
Bariatric surgery carries some long-term risks for patients, including:

Dumping syndrome, a condition that can lead to symptoms like nausea and dizziness
Low blood sugar
Malnutrition
Vomiting
Ulcers
Bowel obstruction
Hernias
Overview of Bariatric Surgery Risks and Complications by Procedure
Risks and side effects vary by bariatric procedure. The following list is not all-inclusive, but briefly outlines risks of gastric bypass and gastric sleeve.

Your bariatric surgeon will make sure you understand the risks and complications of your specific procedure.

Risks of Gastric Bypass:

Breakage
Dumping syndrome
Gallstones (risk increases with rapid or
substantial weight loss)
Hernia
Internal bleeding or profuse bleeding of the
surgical wound
Leakage
Perforation of stomach or intestines
Pouch/anastomotic obstruction or bowel obstruction
Protein or calorie malnutrition
Pulmonary and/or cardiac problems
Skin separation
Spleen or other organ injury
Stomach or intestine ulceration
Stricture
Vitamin or iron deficiency
Risks of Gastric Sleeve:

Blood clots
Gallstones (risk increases with rapid or
substantial weight loss)
Hernia
Internal bleeding or profuse bleeding of the
surgical wound
Leakage
Perforation of stomach or intestines
Skin separation
Stricture
Vitamin or iron deficiency
Reducing Your Bariatric Surgery Risks
You can help lower some of the risks and possible side effects by:

Decreasing your Body Mass Index (BMI)
Increasing your amount of exercise
Stopping smoking

If it is mainly about eating less surely the person can do that without surgery

100x easier to do that when the amount of ghrelin your body produces has been lowered and your stomach is 1/4 to a 1/3 of its previous size. Added to that the rapid weight loss which then enables the patient to physically move more and so burn more calories.

The surgery would not be offered on the NHS if it wasn’t needed. The surgery saves and improves many lives.

You really need to compare those risks with the risks of morbid obesity.

Hunger levels fall naturally with diets such as Michael Mosely's Fast diet after a week or so of the smaller portions. There are also virtual gastric band diets and prescribed weight loss drink diets. Surely it would be best to try those first before risky surgery.

Michael Mosely's Fast diet after a week or so of the smaller portions. There are also virtual gastric band diets and prescribed weight loss drink diets

They don’t work long term for the vast majority of obese and morbidly obese people.

Surely it would be best to try those first before risky surgery

The NHS approves surgery only when many other methods have already been tried. The pathway to surgery usually takes about 2years, during which time the patient will normally receive dietician sessions, physio sessions , counselling etc .

I don't believe you can talk someone into weightloss or weightloss surgery

The desire for better health/weighing less has to come from within

The NHS approves surgery only when many other methods have already been tried

From the OP looks like other options have not been tried yet, though.

Get him the Obesity Code by Dr Fung. It’s a life changing book for many. The ‘eat less move more’ mantra is completely wrong.

He has to want to do it. I think he should first of all follow a low carb, keto diet. It honestly works. I do not lose weight easily.,” I have pcos, thyroissues andn an injury which stops me from being active. I lost 5kg in one month. It is doable but I’m going to eat Ike this for life now. Weight loss surgery is extreme and very risky for someone his size

SolitudeAtAltitude
I don't believe you can talk someone into weightloss or weightloss surgery*

The desire for better health/weighing less has to come from within*

You can't and you shouldn't try *BUT you can and should talk about these things with them if they are receptive.

Someone who is overweight and wants to do something about it needs someone none judgemental to discuss these things with. In the same way that other people on here benefit from hand holding to deal with relationship or parenting issues.

The risks of bariatric surgery are real but the majority are rare and the common ones relatively easy to deal with.
Dumping generally happens if you eat the wrong thing - do it once and it's not something you want to repeat, so in many ways its a benefit - stops you liquidising mars bars.

Gall stones - my surgeon routinely removes the gall bladder at the time of the op.
Ranatidine or similar controls acid reflux
Malabsorption of vitamins/minerals - take effective supplements. I have 6 monthly blood tests to ensure all my levels are good.

The majority of the rest are very rare and many of them are risks attached to any surgery/GA

The main side effect that isn't mentioned in the list from the PP is that having lost the weight I was left with lots of loose skin which left me feeling works about my body than the fat. I still had no regrets because I was healthier but I had an apron of skin and boobs that hung to my waste. Dressed I could look ok but in the nude I looked like an old woman on one of those old seaside postcards with skin hanging round all over. You are very unlikely now to get this sorted on the NHS and plastic surgery is not cheap.

I'm 20 years post op. Healthier now at 64 than I was at 44. And genuinely believe I wouldn't be alive now if I hadn't had the op. And I was nowhere near as obese on the 'My 600lb life'. I didn't want to carry on living like that.

And it isn't an easy option. You can't help but lose weight initially but later on it is possible to restretch the stomach to some extent and food and drink choices have huge impact on your calorie intake.