To expect and want more?!

[dribblycamembert]

Today is my wedding anniversary. My husband is at work. This morning I made him breakfast whilst he was showering and when he got out he exclaimed 'I won't have time, I never eat breakfast anyway'. I felt so deflated and sad. He went downstairs, I heard rustling and he then presented me with a card (that he got free from work) that he had just scrawled in. He then left. No smiles, no cup of tea in bed, no lovely sentiments. Just criticism about making him breakfast. He never treats me or surprises me. He works very hard, and does some housework if asked but that's it. I also work, I do the organising of the house, the finances, the childcare, the school meetings, all the driving, the cards and presents for everyone's birthdays, drs app etc etc. He's never organised me a birthday party, surprised me with an anniversary meal, he never decides to cook me my fave meal, or buy me something (even just a choc bar) just because he was thinking of me. I think I just feel completely uncared for. Or am I asking for too much? I know life isn't fairytale but I'm craving more than this. I want him to think of me, to show me he cares.

Breakfast was a thoughtless gesture if you know it's not his thing and he wouldn't have time. And a thoughtless gesture is as bad as none at all.

Is he affectionate, is he kind? I'd take those things over some silly gestures any day. Obviously if he's not those things either then you've got a problem.

It wasn't a thoughtless gesture, as some days he does eat breakfast. If made for him.
He gets in from work each day barely says a word sits on his phone in front of the tv. He huffs and puffs if asked to do anything for me or our children. There's the odd cuddle but no, affectionate is not something I would call him. He's not unkind, but he's inattentive and seems always grumpy. Yes we do have a problem. I agree. We never have sex anymore as he always falls asleep on the sofa after watching tv late.

Ignore no baggy pants, I think it's a lovely gesture OP.

Have you spoken to him about how you feel? Some men just have no idea how to be thoughtful.

You shouldn't be made to feel unloved.

Breakfast wasn't a thoughtless gesture.
How long have you been together? Has he always been like this?

Thank you. We've been together ten years now. He's always been fairly clueless, but it's getting worse I think. I've tried numerous times to tell him but he's just gets angry and says all I do is criticise or nag. Then he's wonderful for a week before reverting back to his usual ways. I'm always thanking him for working hard, caring for us etc. I always try to be diplomatic in the conversations too.

It's to expect and want more OP. This week was also my wedding anniversary. We both bought cards which we then forgot to write. We didn't do gifts or celebrate in any way. But the difference is that I'm ok with that, as my husband shows me that he loves me everyday and I him. If that's not the case for you, you need to sit down (probably not today) and talk all this over and see if things can change and your marriage salvaged. This is no way to live.

I don't think breakfast was a thoughtless gesture at all, it's a sweet gesture and he sounds an arse for responding the way he did.
I think you need to sit down and have a serious talk with him. Lay your cards on the table and tell him things need to change, that he makes you feel undervalued and that you aren't prepared to carry on this way anymore.

Maybe you need a break from each other, to see how life can be different. If you prefer it you can make the break permanent. Though there is a good chance your husband will never permanently chance his behavior and always take you for granted. Maybe stop doing so much for him since he clearly does not appreciate it.

I don't want you thinking he's a tyrant or a lazy man as he isn't. He's very gentle and quiet. But it just feels like there's nothing there anymore. I've booked a table at a restaurant for a meal this evening and I just feel like I shouldn't bother. There will probably be minimal conversation, and I don't want to sit there resenting him.

I agree it is OK to want and expect more. If you have a loving, caring and fulfilling relationship the gifts and cards don't matter. It sound like what you're saying is he doesn't really show love, care and attention in your day to day lives.
I agree you need to talk. He doesn't seem to realise how big an issue this is for you. Do you think he's happy in the relationship?
It seems like you're doing loads of child and domestic labour but because he's working out if the home (are you?) he thinks he's got all the stress and gets to check out of caring for anyone.

I've asked him if he's still happy, or if he's depressed, if he still loves me and he's always says the right things then. I think I will sit down with him next week and tell him exactly how I feel and that I can't be with him anymore if it continues.

Stop doing so much of the mental load! go for your meal, enjoy the change, stick to light topics of convo, and address your issues another day. Make a list like you have here, of all you do.

OP, he does not sound like a tyrant or lazy, but he does sound like he is taking you for granted and that there isn't much of a partnership left in your marriage.

Thank you, everyone. I shall take your advice most definitely. X

Jeez - what a miserable first reply.

Of course breakfast wasn't a thoughtless gesture, OP. It was thoughtless of him to ignore it and breeze out of the house, though.

Personally, I would wait until after you've had the inevitable row about this before spending money on a meal that neither of you will enjoy.

Let him know how you feel and ask specifically for a loving, kind gesture in return.

Once you're on good terms again, then book a meal out.

My FIL used to say to MIL (when she asked why he hadn't got her a card for something) "I'm still here, aren't I?" It used to break her heart, but some men are not very demonstrative.