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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's sad that I don't get any time alone from the kids or switch off for a moment.

20 replies

TheHorrors · 12/05/2019 09:59

Just that really. I'm really really depressed today. I never get a moment to switch off I'm always with the kids, expected to do all the cooking/ cleaning/ kids stuff. It's relentless. I just want to be on my own and run away.

OP posts:

Mayalready · 12/05/2019 10:01

Same here. 6 dc at home. Either working or busy with dc /housework. Joined the gym but never have time to go!
Bath night is my sanctuary once a week!

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 12/05/2019 10:02

Yadnbu everyone deserves some ‘me’ time. Is there no one you could turn to to have them for a few hours? What age are your dc?

Cornettoninja · 12/05/2019 10:04

You’re right it is relentless and I swear some days I can feel brain cells checking out.

Any chance of a day/night out on the horizon?

I’m desperately awaiting the day dd (3) is at the point we can leave with a baby sitter - bedtime is a sore point in this house and just not something I feel I can palm off on anybody no matter how much I could pay them!

GardenFullofWeedsandKids · 12/05/2019 10:06

This was me as a lone parent with unsupportive family. My child is now 11 and I'm able to leave her alone for a few hours every now and then while I meet friends for lunch etc. When she was younger, my only break from her was work. I got tax credits to help with childcare costs.

You don't explain your circumstances but I'm sure if you did, we could offer advice to enable you to get time away from the kids.

Original poster

TheHorrors · 12/05/2019 10:13

I do have family nearby but can't help out really unless it was an emergency. I am not a lone parent though it seems like it sometimes!

I've asked dh to buckle up and take responsibility. He agrees and makes all the right noises but nothing materialises. I cried the other week because I had had enough. He said he would look after baby who is very hard work on Saturdays. The last 2 Saturdays nothing changed. He says it's because we were busy. We were. For half a day. I don't want to rely on him.

OP posts:

Chamomileteaplease · 12/05/2019 10:19

Don't give up! Talk to your husband again. He is being extremely unfair. Keep talking until you get somewhere.

Can you give us a few more details about your set up? How old are the kids, what time does your husband get home etc?

TheWernethWife · 12/05/2019 10:19

FFS OP, these are his kids as well. Or did they just flew in with the stork. He's a useless fucker.

Cornettoninja · 12/05/2019 10:22

You either need to leave the house or send your dh out.

Easier said than done in fairness, I know the last thing I feel like doing is going out when actually I just want to veg out on the sofa but it will get you your headspace if at 12.30pm you just say your goodbyes and walk out the door. Go and have a coffee or lunch somewhere.

I’m presuming you have a baby and an older one? It’s actually easier this time of year for your dh to just get them outside to entertain them, back garden will do, so don’t start feeling guilty about it. Hand over the reigns with no expectation of anything more than breathing kids when you get back. The mess/what they’ve eaten doesn’t really matter. You can take back the kids while he sorts out any carnage left from his stint.

Don’t split the kids up (you take an older one). You need proper time out.

GardenFullofWeedsandKids · 12/05/2019 10:24

Can you make plans to go somewhere next Saturday? Tell your husband today that you'll be out next Sat 9am til late. If he doesn't get up, take the kids and plonk them next to him on your way out.

If nothing is changing, you really need to ask yourself if you want to be in this same position until the kids have grown up. If you were separated, you may at least get a day a week to yourself if he was to maintain contact with them. You sound miserable and say you're depressed. That's because you never get a chance to be yourself and stop being Mum. Your husband won't change of his own volition. Nothing will change unless you give him an ultimatum.

Original poster

TheHorrors · 12/05/2019 10:25

I'm a sahm so I know I will be doing most of everything. But it would be nice if he could just give me a regular break. I feel like a beggar asking him to watch baby whilst I do something. 9 out of 10 times hell say he needs to do x. ( Which means I can't be long.) He never freely volunteers to take the kids / play with them. His idea of looking after them is being on the laptop YouTubeing whilst the kids get bored. They're 7,6,1

OP posts:

Original poster

TheHorrors · 12/05/2019 10:32

It's been the same when the older dc were younger. I used to be running around like a headless chicken whilst he was out in the evenings. I told him I didn't want it like that this time round. Like I said he says the right things and is convincing but it never materialises. As the older dc grew older things naturally became more easier for me. They went to nursery and I got my breaks. I guess when I'm handling everything I don't really notice how little he's doing because I am managing just fine. Now with a little one again, I can see how things haven't really changed.

OP posts:

bluebluezoo · 12/05/2019 10:38

You either need to leave the house or send your dh out

My problem was I didn’t want to leave the house. I wanted to curl up in my safe place and watch crap tv and eat fresh bread and butter.

Dh would offer to go out, but I couldn’t settle until at least downstairs was reasonably tidy and clean- i can’t sit and relax looking at all the stuff needing doing!

I actually have quite an elaborate plan on how I could just disappear and live off grid where no one can find me .

How old are your kids? I have to say now mine are teens I can leave them for an hour and go to the gym- it has made a big difference finding an affordable place with lots of classes so I can go after I’ve dropped them at swimming or whatever. They are also more self sufficient- my panic now is just as I’m starting to chill and enjoy family life they’re going to leave!

Oh and a big eye opener for dh was me getting a full time job and him reducing his hours. At first he would still ask “what do you want me to do today” when I left- he’d get cross at “whatever needs doing” until finally he wised up and got on with it.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 12/05/2019 10:40

Don;t ask him OP tell him...I am off to ...at .....anything you want whilst I am out? Kids will need lunch and I promised them you would take them to the park....I do feel for you cos you will go out and then miss them all dreadfully and feel guilty...you just can;t win if you are anything like me!!Thing is the more you do it the happier you will be but its awful at first and you will probably spend all the time out while you are supposed to be relaxing worrying whats going on at home so don;t go expecting miracles like I did!!!! You do deserve a break though when ever you want one ..please try to cos you need to look after yourself....Best Wishes sent

GardenFullofWeedsandKids · 12/05/2019 10:42

He's not a good parent or good partner based on what you've said. He's not going to change on his own based on what you've said. You can't be passive and continue accepting this or this is going to be your life for the next ten years. Imagine how awful your mental health will be by then.

You need to start finding your confidence again and forcing him to take responsibility. That would involve what was mentioned above - making plans to go out and leaving kids with him. It sound like a lot of stress though and if you're the one constantly forcing him into parenting situations then I don't know that this is going to be any better for your mental health than the current situation. Would mediation work? Does he want to change? It sound like a rubbish partnership and if you're the only one wanting to make things right, mediation wouldn't work.

Is this the life you want?

Original poster

TheHorrors · 12/05/2019 11:13

I don't know. I feel stuck. I don't feel he values me. I don't know if it's worth the hassle of getting him to parent. If he doesn't then he doesn't. Why should that be my responsibility to make him do that?
I really am thinking of leaving him even though I have no job or home. I don't know if it the depression talking but I feel so so shit.

OP posts:

GardenFullofWeedsandKids · 12/05/2019 11:44

The reason you feel so shit is because your partner doesnt respect, value, or emotionally support you.

You're right - if he doesn't want to take responsibility then it's not up to you to spend the rest of your days trying to make him.

In your position, i'd start looking into leaving. Give him an ultimatum: he changes, or you split up.

Your only alternative is to keep living this current situation until your kids are older.

Cornettoninja · 12/05/2019 12:31

@bluebluezoo - me too the never ending list of things to be done is to judgemental to sit down for long. Which is why I think if you can shoehorn yourself out it’s probably better for proper downtime.

OP you sound so worn down. I think there are probably lots of existing threads with good advice on but ultimately if your DH isn’t taking on board what you’re trying to tell him it won’t be resolved until your youngest is ready to be more self sufficient. I sympathise with the lack of options (financial and emotional support) but you can only do what you feel is right and what is achievable for you.

I believe that the NHS provides CBT counselling online now, it might be worth looking into as a way to rebuild your own emotional resilience whatever happens from this point inqardss

Cornettoninja · 12/05/2019 12:32

*onwards

Original poster

TheHorrors · 12/05/2019 15:17

We had anothwe chat. He says being too negative. He's trying. Hes said he'd take the kids off me for a few hours. I've gone to a coffee shop.

OP posts:

Postmanbear · 12/05/2019 15:28

Good for you! Don’t rush back.
Now say I need you to be home on time on Wednesday as I have a whatever you want appointment. I won’t be back until 7 so you’ll have to sort tea.
Then say you’ve booked a class at the gym next sat morning so will be back at 11.
Don’t ask him if you can have time off, book time off. Small steps!
We have a joint calendar and the rule is if the day is free the first person to organise something is without the kids.

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