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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my in laws to lie?

56 replies

NoHolidaysforyou · 11/05/2019 23:17

My DH and I have been married for 5 years and we have kids.

The way we met has always been an awkward story because the truth is that we met online. He told his family the truth about how we met and I never did. I told my family that we met while we were both traveling. My family is very old school and I think they would be really upset (especially my mum) if they knew the truth. Because my DH's family and my family live in different parts of the world, they have never met (we eloped 5 years ago). Now my parents have offered to fly all of DH's family out to where they live so they can finally meet so they are flying family out from the UK and South Africa to the States. This is great but I am now worried that the story about how we met is going to come up.

Anyways, AIBU to ask my in laws to lie about how my DH and I really met?

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 11/05/2019 23:40

I met my dh through a dating organisation before 'on-line' dating was even a thing. At first I felt embarrassed I had needed help. Now I do not give a fig. We've been married almost two decades. Who cares how we met.

I think asking people to lie for you is a bad move and will make you look bad. Better to have an honest chat with your family before you meet up and clear the air, IMHO.

Agree with AtrociousCircumstance 'Just be breezy about it'. If you need to explain why you originally said travelling you could say that you you didn't know how things would work out and didn't want people to judge how you met (or whatever real reason there is).

And yes, you are an adult, so just be honest. Thanks

Original poster
NoHolidaysforyou · 11/05/2019 23:41

I'm in my 30s. 😅

OP posts:
SpoonBlender · 11/05/2019 23:42

Anyone who would think that it's weird is just wrong. Silly buggers. Don't worry about it.

BackforGood · 11/05/2019 23:42

Of course YABU.
As a pp said, I can understand someone being wary if they don't know many people who first met on line, but, as you've been married 5 years, I think they'd manage to get past that now.
What a weird thing to want to hide Confused

MyKingdomForACaramel · 11/05/2019 23:47

Me and Dh net online (over 13 years ago) and while I’m honest - dh tends to just day we met on a blind date so do get this. We are married and got through speeches etc without ever being straight about it so while I do think you can ask them to lie - they can skirt around it

AtrociousCircumstance · 11/05/2019 23:48

If they get irritated about you lying to them previously, just say, “well I knew how you’d react. Can you blame me?”

You were bold, flying out to meet him, but you were right. Channel some of that boldness of yours now.

AskMeHow · 11/05/2019 23:49

They need to get over it. It’s not like you met in a strip club while he stuffed fivers in your pants. And even if you had, it still wouldn’t be any of their business.

This, really. I would explain to the in laws that your parents don't approve of how you met, or whatever. But you do need to get over the fact you may be disappointing them. You're an adult, and also out of the huge range of things you could do that would be legitimately disappointing to a parent, this really does not even register.

GreenTulips · 11/05/2019 23:50

Can you not go with met whilst traveling and reconnected online?

VladmirsPoutine · 11/05/2019 23:56

Unless your parents will ground you and forbid you ice-cream before bed then just tell the truth.

category12 · 11/05/2019 23:59

You need to suck up your family's reaction IF the story of how you met comes up.

It's really wrong to ask your in-laws to lie for you.

BunsOfAnarchy · 11/05/2019 23:59

Youre already married.

I think their opinion means absolute FUCK ALL.

Deed is done, tell them the truth and they can either like ot or not but either way, youre married and they have no choice but ti accept!!

fizzandchips · 12/05/2019 00:00

I don’t think you can ask them to lie, but I think you can tell them what you wrote in your OP and I suspect they, at the very least, won’t bring up how you met and be vague if your family do.

Greeborising · 12/05/2019 00:01

Please don’t lie about this
Do not ask others to lie either
The issue (if there is one) is with your parents
You and your husband have been married for 5 yrs ffs
You have kids
You are happy
Lies will only make things complicated and there really is no need

GunpowderGelatine · 12/05/2019 00:01

What a weird thing to lie about and even weirder for someone get upset about it Confused honestly I don't know anyone in a relationship who's got together in the last 5 years who didn't meet online!

Am I missing something?!

EdtheBear · 12/05/2019 00:14

It's unlikely to come up.
Technically you didn't lie, you met while travelling, you just missed the bit out about the meeting being arranged onlineWink.

I wouldn't ask in-laws to lie. If it does come up then you chatted online but only actually met after you travelled!

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 12/05/2019 02:55

How utterly bizarre. I was married by the end of the last millennium, so OLD was never a thing for me, but I'm really baffled as to how a mainstream dating site could be seen as automatically weird or seedy. OLD is basically the equivalent for people meeting each other as Amazon or eBay are for people being connected with non-mass-market goods that they want to buy and can't find on their local High Street.

It's the same with certain crashing technophobic bores who, whenever you mention something that you recently found out new information about, will roll their eyes and sigh "Oh, did you read that on the Internet?!?!" as if nothing whatsoever on the modern world's primary means of sharing the wealth of accumulated human knowledge and disseminating information could possibly be anything but absolute rubbish.

If they ask exactly how or where you met, just tell them that you'd both independently gone surfing and bumped into each other Grin

Aquamarine1029 · 12/05/2019 02:55

Of course you are being unreasonable. You are in your 30s for fuck's sake. Why are you cowering to your parents as a grown woman? Honestly, it's pathetic. It is outrageous that you want your in-laws to play along with this absurd lie.

Tavannach · 12/05/2019 03:01

Just tell your family the truth ffs. You met online, and it worked for you because you're still together and happy. Tell them you're sorry you lied, but you thought they might have preconceptions.

Complainingagain · 12/05/2019 04:22

I also read it as die! 😂

OP relax. Loads of people meet online. It's really no big deal and a perfectly acceptable way to meet people.

Complainingagain · 12/05/2019 04:24

Just read your updates. Your parents shouldn't be so judgemental and you shouldn't be afraid to be honest with them. If they have a problem it's THEIR problem and not your issue.

EleanorAbernathy · 12/05/2019 04:35

I'm in the opposite position! I met DH online (11 years ago now) and it doesn't bother me at all - he however insists on telling people we met in a pub! He says it's not really lying as we met in PERSON for the first time in said pub. Grin

If anyone asks us how we met if we're both there, I used to just let him do the talking - these days I'm a bit more honest and have told at least one if his sisters the truth. Nobody really cares!

NoSauce · 12/05/2019 05:07

I bet they would be more phased off that you’d lied to them all this time OP. Obviously you can’t ask PILs to lie, either tell your parents now ( I would do this ) or chance that it doesn’t get brought up.

VashtaNerada · 12/05/2019 05:08

I know loads of couples who met online! Never once occurred to me it was something to be embarrassed about. It sounds like your parents have ‘interesting’ views and I understand how hard it is to stand up to parents sometimes, even as an adult. I would mention to in-laws that your parents have odd views on the topic and ask that they don’t bring up how you met. That way if the topic comes up they can nod and smile (so not lie... exactly) and won’t put their foot in it. If they’re decent people and know what your parents are like I’m sure they’ll be fine with that.

AmeriAnn · 12/05/2019 05:10

My husband and I met 36 years ago through a walk-in dating service. There was no internet back then. People always ask where we met because we're from different parts of the world and we tell them "through a mutual acquaintance. Which is true because the man who owned it met both of us in person when we joined. (No PCs either).

My parents and all other older relatives called them 'lonely hearts clubs' and believed people to be desperate to use them.

A few years ago upon hearing her grand niece was on-line dating an elderly aunt said, "I don't know why she has to do that because she is so pretty".

I'd ask them to avoid the truth.

Birdie6 · 12/05/2019 05:30

To a normal person this might sound... Crazy?

I'm in my 60's and that's how I met my DH. We talked online for a year and then I flew to meet him. Moved in together straight away and got married 5 years later. Not everyone of your parent's generation thinks this is crazy !

Just tell your inlaws to avoid commenting on the subject if you're worried. I'm sure they'll be fine about it.