Why does the DH always have to have a word with a nightmare IL?

[m4rdybum]

I've noticed on a few threads recently (regarding nightmare MILs etc.) that many posters ask whether the OPs DH could have a quiet/gentle/private word with said offender on their behalf.

What's wrong with telling MIL/FIL yourself?

If in-laws do anything with my LG, I'm always quick to say/correct- although not rudely or anything.

Likely the ils won't hold a grudge against their ds as much as the dil...

It often goes down better hearing it from their own child.

My friend's inlaws disregard anything she says as her being over-protective/paranoid/trying to keep them away. Their son says it and it's like a law that must be obeyed by everyone.

Well it's his family. But tbh I agree I have a close enough relationship with my in laws that I can talk to them on my own terms. The only things I leave to DH are money and also I suppose if they get older and frail, issues to do with their care. I'll be involved and give my opinion but it will be his (and his brothers) call

Flipping it round, if my parents said/did something that upset/insulted/really bothered my husband, I’d be more than happy if he asked me to speak to them about it.

I think there are several reasons, as pp have said, parents are less likely to hold anything against their child. Plus I think it shows a united front (and stops ILs then complaining to their child about how their SIL/DIL asked them to stop doing something), and I’ve known my parents longer, obviously, so the conversation is probably more likely to go well and have the desired outcome, with no unnecessary offence caused.

my ex wouldn't tell them it's part of the reason for the split

Based on my own experience with a shitty MIL if I said something about her behaviour then I'm confirming every negative she ever thought or said about me and the comment would be twisted when it was inevitably repeated to other people so that she would look innocent and I'd look bad, basically "you'll never believe what she said to me, she's such a bitch!"

DH having a word meant it wasn't coming from me, that he'd noticed her behaviour was out of line and it wasn't therefore me simply making things up or misunderstanding, and she was less likely to carry around tales about him being such a bitch.

Mind you, when he did defend me she then carried tales around that he wasn't in his right mind because of me being so manipulative and that I was trying to turn him against his own family.

Six years NC now, best six years of my marriage

DH needs to support his wife if PIL are being unreasonable and DW needs to support her DH if PIL being unreasonable. Hearing it from their own child often nips of in the bud.