Hiding houses

[Trainseat]

Apologies for the long post, I think I have added enough detail and hope I don’t drip feed too much.

A couple years ago my DM came into some inheritance money. I had a couple of conversations as she shared her possible plans to invest in a flat and she had viewed some local ones. They weren’t big conversations in that I didn’t know lots of the details, I was curious but happy that she was thinking about her future. She is a few years away from retirement. I didn’t ask anything more recently as I thought that she was still considering what to do with her inheritance.

My relationship with her over the years have had its ups and downs but nothing too serious and I make the effort to see her with my children and partner at least monthly.

I recently discovered that she has bought my DB a house, mortgage free, he is the tenant and my DS1 a house too, who is also a tenant. Both these properties were bought alongside my other DS2. So a joint investment.

My relationship with my siblings has been strained over the past few years but slowly building bridges and in contact/have seen them. My DB is early 30’s and single with massive debt and was renting a room and my DS1 has a family with young children just managing renting. My DS2 is single and very financially secure.

My DM told me last year that my DB had some exciting news to share but to wait until I saw him. He mentioned he had moved into a small property and was feeling more settled. My DM at a later date shared that my DS2 had bought the property for him to live in, she never mentioned that it was hers too.

A few months after she came into her money I lost my job with young family where plans to move (I am renting) were put on hold as we struggled to pay rent and other bills and built up a little debt. I am now currently in a similar position financially prior to losing my job. Just managing and putting minimal money away each month sometimes nothing.

I am aware my DM can do whatever she wishes with her money but AIBU to feel confused and hurt that it was hidden? I was told by my DM my DB house was only bought by my DS2 and that my DS1 move was due to her partners friends.

Honestly, I feel left out too and excluded. I don’t want to come across that I am entitled to anything but hearing the secure positions my siblings are now in, hurts.

You have every right to be hurt
I’d speak to her about it

Honestly, I'd ask for a chat and just say that you have been struggling and now feel so upset that she has helped them out but not you. Ask her if she has any plans to help you too.

YANBU. That is very, very hurtful, exclusionary and alienating. You are not strange to feel this way. There is obviously a "story" to your family and you, for now, are the odd one out. It is upsetting no matter how they slice and dice it. Good luck.

I hear you. In my case there is no point in trying to discuss it because my parents will just become defensive and angry, then turn it into an attack on me. In their minds I am a massive bitch and deserve nothing, while my sisters are all various kinds of wonderful and should be given everything. It's still me who they turn to when they need something though (partly because they think I owe it to them, but also because none of my sisters will have anything to do with the parents unless there is something in it for them).

I suppose that if you bring it up and there is a massive reaction, then at least you will know where you stand. Your family situation sounds fragile, and only you can decide if you want to risk it. Just make sure you have support in place in case it all blows up in your face.

When you say they are the tenant, Is the house actually owned by them, or did she buy a house and rent it to them, or perhaps allow them an interest free loan instead if a mortgage?
On the face of it, you are, of course, entitled to he hurt. It is the prodigal son story all over again. I am not in any way quoting religion at you, but you see this quite often here.
One child, thought to be capable and managing, whether or not that is accurate, gets nothing, while the incapable, and, let's be honest, feckless sibling gets handouts at every turn. It does genuinely seem unfair.
Firstly, I would say, if your mother doesnt know you are struggling, and is still labouring under the misapprehension that you are doing fine, tell her. You might be surprised about how quickly she offers to help you.
If you are not struggling, but are just thinking that you should all get equal dibs, that is also reasonable but you should consider this scenario:
Feckless child A gets into debt and can't afford a house, so sponges off mother. In order to get child from underfoot, mother wants to help buy feckless son a house, but doesnt because otherwise, non-feckless daughter B and less-feckless other son C would also want a share, which would leave her broke, so she has to live out the rest of her days with feckless son A underfoot and with his hand out.
If your mother doesnt offer to help you, you will just have to take comfort In the fact that you are coping and are not feckless, and, that being so, will always cope, whereas he will, almost certainly, almost always fail.
What I am saying, in a long winded way, is don't assume that you have been left out because of favouritism. She might just have wanted to see the back of him. But do talk to her, and, if you need help, ask for it. You can be damned sure he did

Thank you for the responses!

@hazell42 She bought a house and renting it to them. DB house has no mortgage and DS1 has a short term mortgage.

I don’t have any reason to believe she didn’t know we were struggling and not in a great financial place. We are over crowded, she knew about my job loss and the long struggles to find a new one. I have had open, honest conversations saying how hard it is to get onto the property ladder and how staying in this area renting a larger property seems impossible with our incomes.

I feel like I’ve been left out as both DB and DS1 were given the security of staying in a property bought by DM.

Your brother and sister are tenants so the fact the houses have little or no mortgage is of no great benefit to them. It only means they are unlikely to have to move due to dramatic rises in interest rates affecting your mother’s ability to pay the mortgage. I assume they are paying a reasonable rent, if not exactly market rate. Or do you mean they aren’t paying much rent at all due to the no/low mortgage rate?

I suspect there wasn’t enough money to go around and you seemed to be doing okay, if not great, while the others were struggling, so she prioritised them. She didn’t want you to get upset so she concealed the full situation, not realising that if you found out, as you have, you would be even more hurt.

I think you should chat to her because it’s on your mind but cut her a bit of slack. Your relationship appears reasonably good so there’s no reason to impute malign intent. I just think she’s been cack-handed. I know you say you lost your job and were struggling at some point, but it seems the plans were already in motion by then. It’s also not clear whether your mother knew you were struggling. Some people are ‘copers’ and they can tend to get forgotten because everyone thinks they are in control while others seem to crisis-prone and get probably more help than they deserve because they are thought to be a bit incompetent.

Have you said, "Mum, I'm really struggling now. I know you have helped my brothers in the past, could you please help me?"

If you've been subtle, or dropped hints, she might not get it. You'd be amazed what people don't see, even when we think it is obvious.

Also, if she has bought the house and your brother is renting from her, then she still owns the house and, look at it this way, were she to die, then your brother has increased the inheritance for the three of you.

She hasn't 'given' him anything, not even a loan. If she had bought a house and rented it to a stranger, as she was considering, she would be no better or worse off than she is now, and your brother would be no better/worse off either.

I can see why it looks like favouritism, and I'm not saying its definitely not, just saying it might not be quite as clear cut as you think it is

Well I spoke to her and it didn’t really get anywhere.

I asked why she wasn’t open about purchasing the houses for my DB and DS1 and she only said she couldn’t because my relationship with my siblings was difficult. Which yes it has been but I was seeing my DB and in contact DS1 and she had told me they had moved house but courtesy of DS2 for my DB and my DS1 fiancée family. It was going around in circles and I wasn’t getting any straight answers. It was a difficult and frustrating conversation.

There’s no plans to do the same for me and she said she wasn’t aware we were struggling though we had numerous conversations with her about our eligibility for certain benefits to help our situation and struggling to make ends meet. My job loss came before the houses were purchased.

A few years ago my partner and I chose to elope. My ILs were incredibly happy and supportive of our decision and my DM was not which caused some strain but I believed we were in a better place now time has passed. Not sure if that’s helpful but I didn’t get many answers and feeling frustrated that I’ll never know truly why her decision to hide the houses were made. Perhaps it’s favourtism, punishment or something a little less hurtful.

It doesn’t seem like she can or has been honest with you regarding the housing situations and even though your siblings are tenants and not the homeowners your mother choosing to have them as tenants than some stranger is helping them with stability, security and potentially easier financially.
Sorry I’d be feeling confused and hurt too.