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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

12 year old sipping alcohol!

63 replies

TillyTots1234 · 10/05/2019 21:12

Hi,
My husband on regular occasions allows our 12 year old (almost 13) son to sip his alcohol (beer), he told me tonight that he allowed him to have some of his beer, when he took him on holiday on a skiing trip. I said I thought it was irresponsible and he should discuss it with me first. Am I being unreasonable? My own father drank heavily when I was a child and I don’t drink atall , my husband drinks beer most days. I told him he was being irresponsible because in my opinion it’s far too young to even sip alcohol. He seems to think exposing him to alcohol at an earlier age will give him a healthy attitude towards alcohol but I’m not in agreement with him. What are your thoughts?

OP posts:

eightoclock · 10/05/2019 22:33

I don't think it's necessarily an issue, as long as your husband is also modelling sensible alcohol use I.e. Not getting drunk, and always behaving well when drinking. If your husband gets drunk and inappropriate it doesn't even matter whether he allows your son to drink - the lesson will be learned.

Jellybeansincognito · 10/05/2019 22:41

‘He seems to think exposing him to alcohol at an earlier age will give him a healthy attitude towards alcohol’

I was exposed around 13-14 (there were sensible reasons for this but I’m not going to go into them).

At the age of 28 I don’t even drink wine, I haven’t had an alcoholic drink since before I had my daughter (pregnant at 23) and I haven’t been drunk since I was 20.

It doesn’t interest me, early exposure allowed me to experiment and have fun on a limited budget, by the time I was 18 I was more interested in relationships than getting drunk with my friends because it was old news to me. There’s still people I know that didn’t drink until they were 18 that go out getting wasted every weekend to this day.

A sip is harmless imo. Its drinking in excess and binging that is the issue.

(When people say on here about their glasses of wine etc in an evening to relax, it seems the norm but gosh, what an unhealthy attitude around alcohol, no?)

ReganSomerset · 10/05/2019 22:50

Doesn't alcoholism have a hereditary component that may mean it's not wise for your son in particular to be taught that regular consumption of alcohol is the norm?

rosiejaune · 10/05/2019 22:51

I had a sip of wine every Friday night as a child (as young as I can remember, so at least 6 years onwards) for religious reasons.

I have never drunk for pleasure. I don't drink at all now; I use grape juice for said religious purposes instead (though I do cook with alcohol occasionally).

And the only time I have ever been drunk was basically a scientific experiment to see what it was like, alone in my student room, imbibing a precise number of units based on the NHS binge drinking definition.

Exposure is not the only relevant factor.

Bringbackthestripes · 10/05/2019 22:54

He seems to think exposing him to alcohol at an earlier age will give him a healthy attitude towards alcohol but I’m not in agreement with him. What are your thoughts?

My thoughts are that as you have said DH has beer most days then he is quite possibly alcohol dependant but by roping DS in is trying to normalise his behaviour.

It isn’t quantity that makes people an addict/dependant but the fact that they can’t do without it or become agitated if they face the prospect of being without it.

I have a family full of alcoholics, one a very functional alcoholic you wouldn’t know had a problem because they only ever have a few drinks a night but if you ever suggest a night out which means they are out beyond the time where they usually have a drink then it becomes VERY obvious as they get agitated and start physically twitching and are visibly uncomfortable and dashing in their front door to have a drink as soon as they get a lift home. There is one who, from the off, is slurring and staggering and doesn’t ever seem to have had enough, one that is drinking gin at 1pm and one very responsible and qualified health care professional who is amazing at their job but cracks open a bottle as soon as they walk through the door.
There is no good reason to be letting a 12 year old sip alcohol like it’s a great thing to do. We just don’t have the right alcohol culture here in the U.K. I wish we did.

I wish I hadn’t been given the taste for alcohol so young.

Dana28 · 10/05/2019 22:58

Why can't people wait til their dc are legal age? StillWhy can't people wait til their dc are legal age?
5 is legalvage

indianburritode · 10/05/2019 23:00

My parents allowed this.
Turned out pretty alright, I now barely drink. Never saw the excitement of alcohol as a teenager, didn't binge, had a good time at uni, drink the odd wine when work kills me but otherwise I drink water

whitehalleve · 10/05/2019 23:06

It really wouldn't bother me to be honest.

ReanimatedSGB · 10/05/2019 23:13

There are so many variables as to whether or not a person will develop problems with alcohol that most such studies are pretty meaningless. Many of them are done by superstitious wingnuts anyway.
A sip or two during a festive season or on holiday is not going to do any harm in itself and may help develop a healthy attitude towards alcohol for the future.

pallisers · 10/05/2019 23:13

There is no good reason to be letting a 12 year old sip alcohol like it’s a great thing to do.

This is exactly the thing for me. Why teach the 12 year old that it is either (a) a treat that makes everything better or (b) something you do every night.

I really wouldn't get upset at the occasional sip at this age - despite the studies (and I presume they corrected for bias but whether they did or not I haven't seen one study that showed early introduction to alcohol decreased dependence in later life) but it seems like the OP's husband is going well beyond that.

Hecateh · 10/05/2019 23:17

My kids (2) and my families kids (8) all now aged between 20 and 42 have all had wine with special meals from about 5. About 10ml. The 2 that now have their own children are doing the same.

None of us or them are alcoholic or alcohol dependent.

If your H was drinking in front of you DS and not letting him have a bit I think he is far more likely to see it as desirable and delicious forbidden fruit.

Hecateh · 10/05/2019 23:20

And if he sees you arguing disagreeing about it it will make it even more desirable

pallisers · 10/05/2019 23:21

Many of them are done by superstitious wingnuts anyway.

Really. Most are done by respected scientists and funded by the NIH etc. This is from the lancet (although in fairness they did publish Wakely's crap)

www.thelancet.com/journals/lanpub/article/PIIS2468-2667(17)30240-2/fulltext?elsca1=tlpr

Alcohol is a carcinogen and a health risk. As adults we accept that for the buzz/sociability/taste. Why you would want to give it to a 12 year old is beyond me. This isn't about a sip or two on holiday or at christmas - an entirely different thing. OP's dh said he regularly gives the kid a sip and gave him half (or less) of his beer on holidays. This kid is 12.

LimeKiwi · 10/05/2019 23:27

He lets him have a few sips a few times a week
WTF? No. I have a (nearly) 12 year old, how is it acceptable to let them sip alcohol a few times a week?!
As a one off sip, maybe could get on board with that. (Never done it myself, but could understand more.) Few times a week though?! Just no.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 10/05/2019 23:34

I used to have a sip of DFs beer when he had one, but I only saw him drink on holiday, or at special occasions so it was a few times a year (I'm pretty sure he and DM would have a bottle of wine etc after we were in bed sometimes too). I would be fine with that but if your DH is giving him a sip or more multiple times a week that would be an issue for me, but so would a partner who drinks every night especially as he does so in front of a child. That's normalising daily alcohol use.

Jaspermcsween · 10/05/2019 23:37

Meh

22Giraffes · 10/05/2019 23:42

This would really upset me but I know I have a skewed view of alcohol because of having an alcoholic parent, it has put me off drinking completely. I don't know how I will feel when the time comes that my DC will try these things but I know I'll struggle

Original poster

TillyTots1234 · 10/05/2019 23:46

He doesn’t regularly give him alcohol, he will allow him to sip his beer. I am not condoning it atall, as I said I don’t agree with it. Husband doesn’t get drunk every night but will come home and crack open a beer most nights, he can go weeks without drinking, as I said I was concerned he was dependant, so he stopped drinking for a few weeks. He says he does it because he likes to come home from work and unwind with a beer. I also know other mums at my sons school, who told me they drink a bottle of wine most nights. I am all for moderation with regards to alcohol. I don’t drink atall. What I want is for us to be on the same page and my husband allowing it when I don’t agree with it.

OP posts:

Original poster

TillyTots1234 · 10/05/2019 23:49

22Giraffes - That’s how I feel, my father drank all the time and was drunk a lot. It’s put me off alcohol.

OP posts:

Yabbers · 10/05/2019 23:49

I laugh when people say “oh introduce them to it young and it demystifies it” “if you don’t do that they will binge when they are allowed it”

Can you imagine the same thing said about smoking? Or sex? Or watching horror movies?

Drinking is an adult activity, it is not a good thing to introduce children to adult activities before they are ready.

Singletomingle · 10/05/2019 23:50

A telling factot should be that France, Spain and Italy all have higher consumption of alcohol than the USA yet are among the lowest for binge drinking in the world.

donajimena · 10/05/2019 23:52

I wasn't given alcohol yet I became an overdrinker. I haven't done any research about alcohol dependency and ages so I can't talk about links, however I certainly have done my research about alcohol dependency. Its a horrible drug with no benefit to anyone. The amount of misery it brings on people (victims of drunk driving, violence, ill health) I certainly won't be introducing my children to it. When they are 18 they can choose for themselves. I hope they choose not to.
Its horribly addictive and even those who think they have no problem with it are more addicted than they think.

Copperandtod · 10/05/2019 23:54

JUst because other mums drink botttle of wine a night doesn’t make it all right. People drinking daily are alcohol dependent whether they know it or not. People think if the knock back a bottle of wine a night it’s somehow sophisticated unlike an old alcy drinking tins of super lager or quarter vodka

Yabbers · 11/05/2019 00:01

@Freshstartmaybe

Binge drinking is on the rise in France and has been for years. That, and their higher than average incidence of alcoholism and deaths due to alcohol, shows France isn’t exactly the best example to be following.

SnipSnapSnip · 11/05/2019 00:02

My parents are teetotal. My mum is very, very against drink as there a lot of alcoholics on her side. As a result alcohol was always banned in our house.

I binge drank badly during my student years (I think as it was a novelty & I didn’t really know how to drink responsibly). Now I only have a drink one or twice a year ....wouldn’t bother me if I never drank again.

I don’t know what to advise but I do know in the future I don’t want my DS hiding drinking from me, like I had to from my parents.

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