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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be hurt by this?

64 replies

susan82 · 10/05/2019 19:56

Hello,
First time posting on AIBU so please be kind.
I don't know why this bothers me so much but I feel quite hurt by it. Recently gave party invitations out for DDs 5th Birthday party to the teacher and slowly replies started filtering in. Still waiting on a few parents who are yet to reply but no big deal. Today I was collecting DD and DS from after school club and a mum who I don't know very well (and have only exchanged brief hellos in the past) approached me and said that she'd received the invitation. I nodded and smiled and then she proceeded to tell me that her DD doesn't want to come as she doesn't really like to play with my DD and doesn't like her. I was very taken aback as I wasn't aware of any problem with my DD and the other girl. I asked DD if she liked this girl and she said yes, she's my friend.
My DD is having support in school for social and emotional issues but is normally a kind girl. I felt this mum was rude. Surely she could have just said they couldn't make it instead of saying what she did. If my DD didn't want to attend a party I'd never tell the parents this, I'd just say thank you but we have plans. AIBU to feel hurt?
Thanks

OP posts:

MaybeitsMaybelline · 10/05/2019 20:28

I never make allowances but I am on this occasion going to beat other posters and suggest the mother has some awareness issues, and perhaps doesn’t have a filter.

Even so, it was very rude and unnecessary and I would blank her for ever more!

FookMeFookYou · 10/05/2019 20:28

Fucking loon, ignore the bitch and give your little lady a squeeze

Matilda15 · 10/05/2019 20:33

😮 that’s so bizarre. In that situation a “thanks for the invite, unfortunately X can’t make it but I hope it goes well and ‘Birthday child’ has a great time” is perfectly sufficient!

RSAcre · 10/05/2019 20:34

she proceeded to tell me that her DD doesn't want to come as she doesn't really like to play with my DD and doesn't like her.

Bloody Nora!
How tempting to smartly respond "Thanks for telling me, SchoolMum, & that's great to hear actually because funnily enough I have just now decided that I don't really like to play with wilfully aggressive rude bitches, & I don't like you."

She was bang out of order, & has no sense of appropriate light social behaviour. FFS every adult knows that little girls can be chums one day but not the next, no need to make an issue out of nothing (her, not you OP!)

RSAcre · 10/05/2019 20:36

I was so shocked I just said "oh ok"

Absolutely the right & wise response OP.
Don't give the overbearing twat any ammunition.

JustCallMeSliths · 10/05/2019 20:37

What a rude and nasty thing to say. On the plus side, at least she bothered replying!

Maybe she does have some reason to be like that eg a lack of awareness but maybe she was just nasty. Either way the OP is perfectly justified in being upset by it.

As for your daughter, don't worry about what her friend's mum thinks is the case. At 5, they swop and change friends daily.

CloserIAm2Fine · 10/05/2019 20:40

She was being rude and nasty and it was totally uncalled for! A simple “sorry DD can’t make it, hope your DD has fun though” is surely how most people would respond! Or even just “no she can’t come” would suffice!

RSAcre · 10/05/2019 20:42

as you admit your daughter needs support.

There is nothing to "admit", @quizqueen - what an oddly judgey phasing to choose.
Kids not in receipt of support are just as capable of falling out or being silly twits as those who are.

& I'm baffled why you would imagine that the school would be aware of "unpleasant issues" & would then decide to not be "completely upfront" with OP about them?

RSAcre · 10/05/2019 20:44

PHRASING dammit not 'phasing'

gamerchick · 10/05/2019 20:53

Some parents are complete dickheads. On the one hand they don't invite the child with issues and on the other they wouldn't let their precious child attend said kids party in case it's catching or something I've known kids with autism for eg have parties where nobody at all turns up and they're just left sitting there on their own in a hall with all the party shit.

Some people are cocks and at least this one has been upfront early on so you can avoid her arse in future.

Squigglesworth · 10/05/2019 20:54

Yes, the other mother was rude. Sounds like there's something "off" with her, as that's not a normal way to turn down an invitation.

I'd try my best to forget about her. And while I wouldn't discourage my daughter's friendship with her daughter, I might consider encouraging her other friendships a bit more. If she's going to invite just one or two friends on a playdate, for instance, I'd try to subtly steer her toward other children-- at least until you've had a better chance to gauge the other girl and her mother.

CripsSandwiches · 10/05/2019 21:00

Bloody hell what a rude bitch. What the hell did she think she was going to achieve? Most people just say "sorry we have other plans" (or don't even bother replying).

specterlitt · 10/05/2019 23:20

Wow, I'm lost for words, what a horrible thing to say to anyone! I cannot even fathom how she felt that was an appropriate thing to say?

Please do not let it upset you, some adults can never consider other people's feelings or even begin to see fault in their words or behaviour. Leave her to it, she isn't someone you need to waste any further time on, you are better than that!

Please do not tell your daughter straight what she said, but at the same time I feel for your daughter because she thinks this girl is her friend. I hope she isn't horrible to her at all in school. Perhaps as time goes on, ask your little one how this girls behaviour is around her. hope your daughter soon realises this is not a girl she wants to play with and stays away from her.

Hugs to you and your little one, please do not get down about this. I hope she has a wonderful birthday party surrounded by those who love her.

KC225 · 10/05/2019 23:40

Rest assured OP its not you, its her. That is so rude. There was a mum in the reception class who didn't talk to you if her child fell out with yours. Funny thing is I didn't notice for about 8 months until someone else pointed it out. When she ignored me if I said hello, I assumed it was headphones or she was away with the faires. Turns out she was a butter.

justarandomtricycle · 10/05/2019 23:44

So uncalled for. Why are people so horrid sometimes?

YANBU in any way. For that matter, the way this comes across I bet her child doesn't feel like that about your DD at all.

Coolegary1 · 11/05/2019 00:37

Ok, I am going to play devil's advocate here. Would emotional and social issues include some aggression/behavioral problem?
Would the friend and your DD have issues with each other.?
Would it ever be the case that your DD has been mean to her?
Sorry but it is very odd behavior on the mum's part if the answer is no but on the other hand if she is hearing all sorts of things from an upset DD then maybe she was having a 'fuck it moment'.
It's worth investigating just in case

rosiejaune · 11/05/2019 02:02

What if this other mother posted on here:

"I'm autistic, and my daughter was invited to a party and I wanted to make sure to respond to the invitation as I knew it would be considered rude to ignore it. So I saw the mother in the playground and explained my daughter wouldn't be coming, and why. Now I've heard she is telling everyone I'm a bitch."

And if so, this sort of thing probably happens to her every day; people misjudging her motives, labelling her as rude, insulting her, and rejecting her.

If you don't know anything about her motives, why not give her the benefit of the doubt, and take it as neutrally informative, or intended to be helpful (e.g. so you didn't waste effort inviting her again in future, etc), which may be how it was meant?

It's OK for children (or anyone else) not to like each other, and it shouldn't inherently be an insult (and taboo) to say so. Surely it's much more immature to lie about it so you can avoid any potentially uncomfortable consequences of being honest?

I haven't done this exact thing, but I once invited a child (via their parent, so they didn't know about it themselves yet) to my daughter's party without consulting her (she was 6, so was choosing who to invite herself for the first time), and when she told me she didn't want him to attend, I apologised to the other parent and told them that. I wouldn't have lied about why they were uninvited. But maybe she was offended and called me a bitch to her friends.

Zakana · 11/05/2019 02:34

Rude, insensitive, unkind, unnecessarily nasty to both you and your DD. Just enjoy the party and avoid this dreadful excuse of a human (I’m still trying to get my head around how she could be so incredibly nasty about a little one). Hugs to you both

Durgasarrow · 11/05/2019 03:01

What an asshole. Why would anyone speak like that. Unacceptable.

NewSchoolNewName · 11/05/2019 03:40

That goes against normal social conventions.
You might think being honest all the time makes more sense, but if you’re being honest in a scenario where white lies are conventional and expected, then other people are likely to assume you’re being deliberately rude rather than neutrally informative or helpful.

Sure, no one likes everyone, because of personality clashes, lack of common interests or whatever.
But if your dislike is based on incompatible personalities or interests rather than the other person acting badly towards you, then in a party invite scenario, the social convention is that you make a polite excuse (or white lie) and say something like “sorry, can’t make it, we’ve got other plans”.

Italiangreyhound · 11/05/2019 03:43

YADNBU the other mum was ridiculous to say all that to you.

YesimstillwatchingNetflix · 11/05/2019 04:38

@rosiejaune did you really invite and then uninvite a child to a birthday party and explain to the parents that your DD doesn't like their child? I know this isn't your thread, but that seems incredibly unkind.

@susan82 That mother was rude and very odd. If that happened to me I might explain what happened to the teacher and ask if there was something going on between the girls that I was unaware of. Because that is frankly a bizarre thing for the other mother to do and I'd want to check there wasn't some big issue I'd missed that would make her feel that was a necessary thing to say.

Perhaps she thinks your DD is bullying her DD and she wanted to make some kind of point about it to you? Or maybe she is autistic herself and just speaks the unvarnished truth as a rule? Or maybe she is just in incredibly rude and thoughtless cow.

I'm sorry that happened. I don't think her DD will be missed on the day. I hope your DD has a lovely party.

Original poster

susan82 · 11/05/2019 10:27

Thanks all. Rosiejaune, I can see your point but I've not told anyone at the school about this. I've not called her a bitch or said anything nasty about her. My daughter is usually very meek and mild and is having support for her self esteem and confidence in school so it's hard to imagine her being mean or bullying as the teachers report her behaviour as good and kind to others. Thats not to say of course that my DD is an angel and always perfect as that's definitely not the case.

OP posts:

Original poster

susan82 · 11/05/2019 10:31

I've never known of any issues with the other little girl at all so that's why I invited her as DD has always said she's a friend.

OP posts:

rosiejaune · 11/05/2019 12:21

I didn't say my daughter didn't like him. I said she didn't want him to attend the party, and that she was choosing who came this year (whereas previously I'd done so), so I had made a mistake in inviting them.

I know what the social convention is. But that's the point; it's not a rule common to all of humanity. It's cultural. Why shouldn't other people be allowed their own culture on social issues without being judged for it; why should they have to mimic yours to be accepted?

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