Aibu?? Uninvited friends!!

[Madeye08]

I recently helped organise a party at a very good friends house. It was a general get together and her house is big enough for entertaining, but she didn’t want to do all the catering , so we-our friendship group- agreed to all bring food and drinks etc. The problem we have is that a mutual friend heard about the soirée and just turned up on the day!! No pre warning, no asking if it was ok, no invitation she just arrived at the door with her husband, kids and their friends....a total of 8, yes that’s 8 people!!! And totally empty handed!! Now she has a bit of form for this sort of thing, but has never just turned up without any warning. And we have always been annoyed - more so because she brings her kids, 2 of which are older teenagers, who in turn bring their mates!! Am I right to think she and her brood are total CF’s?? I need to tackle her about it, but am so annoyed if I start I really think I will lose it completely.....looking for some sound advise!!!

Bibidy, she wasn’t invited for the very reason I have posted, sometimes she says she’s is coming then is a no show, other times like this she not not only turns up but then proceeds to bring others she has invited. I guess this time we were done trying to work out who was coming or not!!

I’d have to say that it was not ok to do that and don’t do it again! I mean really, who does that! And 8 people! Madness

Why did you (or whoever it was) answer the door?

When was this? Wouldn’t it seem a bit churlish to bring it up after the event (unless it was last night, say).

I’d let it go but next time you plan a party, be clear with her on who is included in the invite and whether she needs to bring anything.

She’s a nice person but CF!
Nope. These are mutually exclusive!

it's a bit mean to have not invited her if she's part of the friendship group.
Seriously? I don't invite all my friends to everything I organise! I definately don't expect them to turn up as a mob empty handed!

Seriously? I don't invite all my friends to everything I organise!

Well, no, but I wouldn't leave one person out when inviting a particular friendship group to a party, because its an unkind thing to do. And I wouldn't be talking about my weekend plans to have a party where all of the friendship group but her where invited. I think there's some bullying and exclusion going on here, and the uninvited guest was brazening it out and refusing to be excluded. Yes, it was rude for her to turn up uninvited, but not inviting her and telling her about it was both rude and unkind.

I need to tackle her about it,

Why? It wasn’t at your house. Surely it is for the host to say something if they wish to.
As she wasn’t invited, but others in the friendship group were, maybe she arrived to make some sort of point.

Awful of her

Unbelievable that out of all those that knew she was invited, not ONE has the backbone to say anything

Why did no-one say anything at the time?

@UCOinanOCG

It would appear none of them had a backbone between them

This is a bit weird OP. How did everyone react?

When is it EVER ok to turn up, univited, with seven (seven!) other people to anything other than a massive teen party? Never mind the not bringing food thing!

If she was pissed off at not being included in the invite, does she really think this will make it less likely in future?

all of the friendship group but her
Where does the OP say this?

I wouldn't let her through the door. In a very nice and friendly way, I would say that "oh, what a pity, now is not a convenient time, I have got something on the way, I am really sorry but now is not a good time, you should have called first, I would have told you, let's arrange something when convenient, bye bye".

She doesn't sound nice - she sounds utterly awful.

Not sure how on earth you are going to tackle it though.

I'm not sure what you can do now the event has come and gone.

However as you say she has form for this, maybe have a chat with her before the next event - or when planning the next event. I think it would also be kinder to her if you had a quiet word with her individually rather than as a group.

It’s not really up to you to say anything!

Whoever hosted needs to speak up if anyone does.

Agree it's for the host to speak up, but she should have done so at the time, ideally by never letting her in, i.e. answering the door 'Oh hi CF, sorry we've got a few friends round at the moment so I'll have to catch up with you later. Have a nice weekend.' Continue Gandalf impression and don't let her past the threshold while remaining polite and breezy.

I don't understand why people are always so worried about upsetting people who have already shown they have a hide thicker than a rhinocerous, or concerned about being rude to someone who is being rude themselves.

I know it's easy to say from behind a screen, but I honestly have no issues with saying 'No' to someone trying to take the piss. So many CF stories on MN include the phrase 'she's a nice person but...[very non-nice thing]'. They're not nice, in that case, so you have no obligation to dance around them trying not to hurt their feelings!

I couldn't agree more, once. Being assertive is not the same as being rude and the only rude one is the CFer. They rely on pushovers to do what they do.

And yy, 'she/he is nice/lovely. . . ' never is. It's right up there with 'he's a great dad', you can pretty much guarantee he's a thundercunt.

Oh, brother, mrm, she's an adult. In adulthood you don't get class parties are cry 'bullying' and 'unkind' (rolls eyes) when you don't get invited to one event. You move on, find other people to hang out with, not 'brazen it out' by behaving like an even bigger twat and expect to have any friends left.

Teens bringing mates is not unheard of. I used to host an annual bonfire party, and ex's friend asked if he could bring his new girlfriend. Ex said yes. So up rocked friend his two kids, the gf her FOUR teenage kids and two of the kids' friends. We always served mulled wine, spiced cider, hot chocolate, wine and beer. The teenagers all asked for gin and tonic!
Oh, and it turned the new "girlfriend" had only met the guy once, this was effectively their second date.

Anyway, this all sounds like a very weird situation. It's odd if she is normally invited to just not invite her because she sometimes doesn't turn up. Best to just tell her that "you're too flakey, so when we invite you we expect you to do x, y and z. If you don't do that don't come and we'll stop asking you".

it's STILL rude OP

Why was she let it? ‘Sorry it’s an adult get together, maybe another time’ and shut the door. Easy! (I am tired and feeling bitchy today though....)

Message her about her plans for a weekend, when she's free just say you're putting something together and wanted to check on her availability. Then you ALL rock up at her house, be CFs back. Ask her what's for food then, check out her booze cupboard etc.

She'll either get the message, or if she protests you say 'but it's your turn to host CF, seeing as you invited yourself and a bunch of people round empty handed expecting to be all fed and watered!' She'll either have the grace to be shamed into doing it, in which case a free night out for you all - or she'll never pull that stunt again. Win win!