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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To always contact him first?

22 replies

Lightbulbmoment5 · 10/05/2019 11:56

More of a WWYD?

I have a close male friend who tells me that he enjoys our friendship very much but it tends to be me who initiates contact. When I contact him he responds eagerly but it’s making me feel a bit sh!t.

I’m not sure if it’s just because he’s a bloke so is rubbish at maintaining contact? Or he doesn’t want to be friends (but his behaviour contradicts this as he eagerly responds)? Or he feels like he shouldn’t be the one to initiate contact because he’s married.

I should add that this is completely platonic and I really really like him as a friend.

What should I do? If I don’t contact him I reckon I wouldn’t hear from him for months, if ever.

OP posts:

MRex · 10/05/2019 11:59

It might be that he's a bad communicator, but it has nothing to do with him being male because all my male friends there's give and take in who messages first. He isn't really a close friend if he doesn't wonder how you are and contact you if you leave it a few months; how long do you actually leave it? Do you get along with his wife, maybe you can arrange nights out via her sometimes for balance?

LonelyTiredandLow · 10/05/2019 12:02

Could he be worried that you might take him contacting you as something 'more'? Have you had the "it's never gonna happen" discussion? Sometimes this can be a worry for either party if not dealt with.

AryaStarkWolf · 10/05/2019 12:04

I would pull back and wait to see if he does contact you, friendships need to be a two way street

cookiechomper · 10/05/2019 12:11

Agree with above poster. It's needs to be equal on both sides so I wouldn't get in contact until he did. If he's married though, his wife is going to be his priority and rightly so. It doesn't mean you can't be friends but it could mean the friendship means more to you than it does to him.

Damntheman · 10/05/2019 12:22

Why don't you tell him how you feel about it and see what has to say? Maybe he's just bad at initiating things, maybe he feels he doesn't need to because you'll always contact him first. Tell him it makes you feel shitty and his response will tell you everything.

Did OP say he was married? I don't see anything about a partner.

bobstersmum · 10/05/2019 12:27

If he's married then you'd hope he'd put his family first and foremost hence why he's not constantly in contact with you. A lot of my friends we drift in and out of contact as we are busy with our families, it doesn't make me feel shitty, I know they're there if I need them. Do you feel more than just friendship here op?

Stormwhale · 10/05/2019 12:28

Damn it says he is married in the op.

If he is anything like my husband, he just may not think to get in touch. It is a miracle that my dh has any friends as he is awful at keeping in touch. He has a female friend who is always the one who texts first and it doesn't mean he doesn't care about her, he just doesn't think to message very often at all. I think women in general are better at maintaining friendships, whereas some men aren't.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 10/05/2019 12:32

I'm not great at keeping in touch I tend to focus on the people in my immediate vacinity, or doesn't mean I value others less. The friendships I have that have lasted well are with others who don't place too much value on who sent the last text, or how many days it's been since we last spoke, they tend to be quite busy too and are busy pleased to hear from me as and when, at I am with them.

RosieLancs · 10/05/2019 12:34

I have a male friend like this, we talk for hours and hang out, always at my initiation but he always responds enrhusiastically.
I tried talking to him about it and he made an effort for about a week.
Maybe try pulling back a bit and give him the opportunity to initiate, I tried that and then he does make the effort.

I've come to realise it's just who he is, drives me crackers but he's a sweetheart in so many ways.

Damntheman · 10/05/2019 12:37

Thanks Stormwhale! I have no idea why I couldn't see that :D

Original poster

Lightbulbmoment5 · 10/05/2019 12:39

We’re both married so no issues there. We used to work together and saw each other every day, chatting for hours, but since I left the company we have had to rely on texts, calls and occasionally meeting up. He tends to initiate the meeting up but I nearly always initiate the texts. If I text him he often will phone me later on that day to catch up, but only if I have texted first.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lightbulbmoment5 · 10/05/2019 12:40

I know that his wife prefers us not to meet alone and only all together. Maybe that has something to do with it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lightbulbmoment5 · 10/05/2019 12:41

The contact doesn’t impact on his family time. It’s usually in our lunch breaks or on our way home from the office.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lightbulbmoment5 · 10/05/2019 12:45

If I point out to him in a nice way that it’s always me who initiates contact, is he going to think I’m being a high maintenance, nightmare friend??

OP posts:

Damntheman · 10/05/2019 12:56

I wouldn't think that if you said that to me, but I value direct communication and that seems to not be so common. If think if you can bring it up in the natural flow of conversation without making it sound accusatory it should be fine? Make sure you phrase it all about the way it makes you feel with "I feel" statements rather than "You are" statements so he won't feel attacked personally :)

It may very well be something to do with his wife if she's not feeling secure about the friendship. Meeting up all together is a good idea though, it'll give her a chance to know you and hopefully feel better about things.

cookiechomper · 10/05/2019 12:56

I think friendships can fall by the wayside when you're in a relationship and / or have a family. I don't think I would say anything. Just let him contact you.
If the reason is his wife not being comfortable with you meeting alone, I think you have to understand that he's respecting his wife's wishes over yours.

Original poster

Lightbulbmoment5 · 10/05/2019 13:05

We have met up as families several times with the children in tow so I would hope she’s feeling more comfortable.

He’s a straight talker himself. I think he could take it if I brought it up. I suppose I need to prepare myself for a negative outcome though.

OP posts:

MRex · 10/05/2019 13:46

The wife doesn't want you to meet but you meet for lunch, eh? That sounds like quite a problem. To be honest I still can't really see why you're taking it to heart anyway; if I want to see a friend I don't count up the texts I just message them.

If you're going to tackle it then keep it light.

Original poster

Lightbulbmoment5 · 10/05/2019 13:55

We don’t meet for lunch. I mean we talk or text at those times.

OP posts:

Apileofballyhoo · 10/05/2019 13:58

I rarely contact friends or family first but I'm always pleased to hear from them or be asked to meet up. I think one friend took this personally but to me it's just the way I am.

Tonightstheteriyakichicken · 10/05/2019 14:11

He might just be short on time.
Or maybe he is lazy at getting in touch because he's used to you making all the effort.

AtrociousCircumstance · 13/05/2019 16:52

Your need to communicate with your friend seems a little over intense. Maybe it is platonic but is he fulfilling an emotional need (something lacking in your relationship) which is making you feel this way?

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