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AIBU?

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Original poster

Please help to arm me with the best responses for sexist colleague before my return to work.

91 replies

BabyDarlingDollfaceHoney · 10/05/2019 11:14

I'm soon returning to work from mat leave. I have a colleague (white male, nearing retirement age) who has history of making very inappropriate comments. Previously I have been too timid to call him out but since having a daughter I feel I no longer want to let things like this slide. Could anyone please suggest ways I can tackle this while maintaining professionalism and a calm exterior? We work in healthcare.

Typical examples of his behaviour:

Flirting with junior members of staff (20 somethings) and favouring pretty / young colleagues. They do play up to him as they know this will get them whatever they want, days off, annual leave etc etc.

Rubbing thighs in a sexual way (think Vic Reeves on Buzzcocks) when talking about a patient's breasts being exposed during a clinical exam.

Leaving a situation with a junior colleague and making someone stand in for him because he couldn't concentrate as she was wearing a low cut top.

The first example is the main one. This goes on all the time almost every day. I can't stand it but our manager (also a man) and him are old friends and there is a culture of indulgent eye rolling at his behaviour with no further action taken. I no longer want to be part of this but I'm struggling to imagine what exactly I will say to him to pull him up on this kind of thing...

Any advice appreciated, thanks in advance.

OP posts:
JaynePoole · 10/05/2019 11:15

Er, I think this goes beyond leaning some witty reposts.

HappyPunky · 10/05/2019 11:16

My advice is speak to HR!! Dealing with him shouldn't be down to you.

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 10/05/2019 11:16

Favouring anyone for whatever reason can be addressed.

Adults can flirt if they like assuming both sides are enjoying it.

Original poster
BabyDarlingDollfaceHoney · 10/05/2019 11:16

I don't want witty reposts. I want serious hard hitting but professional and calm ways to tackle this effectively.

OP posts:
DirtyDennis · 10/05/2019 11:18

Nope, you don't need witty one-liners for this type of harassment. You need to say:

"You are behaving inappropriately and in contravention to the Equality Act. If you don't stop this behaviour, I will be contacting HR tomorrow with a formal complaint of harassment"

Original poster
BabyDarlingDollfaceHoney · 10/05/2019 11:18

@Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis I actually don't really agree about the flirting as it takes place in work. I find it very unprofessional. It's unprofessional from both sides of course but he is in a management role and should be setting an example not encouraging / condoning inappropriate behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
BabyDarlingDollfaceHoney · 10/05/2019 11:20

Yes I have considered just saying something along the lines of "that is not an appropriate way to speak to your colleagues. I will be making a note of these type of comments in future and contacting HR with them if it doesn't change".

It's just very very difficult to actually imagine myself saying these things though.

OP posts:
sometimesalways · 10/05/2019 11:23

He sounds vile! This sort of thing gets me very upset. But it's probably the sort of thing HR should be tackling.

I could prob think of a 'witty' response but it would have to be on a case by case basis - and as PP said, it sounds like a wider issue that might require something more than that

Original poster
BabyDarlingDollfaceHoney · 10/05/2019 11:27

Sorry I'm not sure what I've said to make people think I want witty or smart comebacks 😬 I actually just want serious responses that aren't going to get me sent to Coventry by the rest of the team (can be a bit of a boys club).

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 10/05/2019 11:27

It's just very very difficult to actually imagine myself saying these things though.

It is difficult but please do it. The more we just let this stuff go by, the longer it will carry on, if he was being racist you wouldn’t think twice about it.
Practice infront of the mirror or your partner,
Don’t feel embarrassed, get angry internally and calmly let him have it.

wigglypiggly · 10/05/2019 11:27

Dont waste time trying to be witty, either report this to h.r or his governing body and let them investigate. If it's a large institution like the NHS then you can also speak to a matron or similar.

LizzieSiddal · 10/05/2019 11:28

Can you go to HR?

AskMeHow · 10/05/2019 11:28

I wouldn't say anything to him. I'd just go straight to HR next time he says anything inappropriate. If you do say anything, you risk having negative attention directed at you and your manager won't support you.

Original poster
BabyDarlingDollfaceHoney · 10/05/2019 11:29

if he was being racist you wouldn’t think twice about it that is so true. I must try and think of it in this context more.

OP posts:
ILoveMaxiBondi · 10/05/2019 11:31

Umm you need to report him!! He is making lewd gestures about a patients breasts!

BettysLeftTentacle · 10/05/2019 11:31

Out of everything you cited, this is the worst and needs addressing right away:

Rubbing thighs in a sexual way (think Vic Reeves on Buzzcocks) when talking about a patient's breasts being exposed during a clinical exam.

This is a serious misconduct. You need to report it to someone senior and be prepared to take it all the way.

Ivestoppedreadingthenews · 10/05/2019 11:31

I’ve found “wow, seriously. Do you want to try that sentence again?” works well as causes sheepishness. Is he a consultant? They are often public school and ‘matron’ style putting in their place.

HOWEVER, you really shouldn’t have to do the above. Reporting incidences to HR would be a valid and brave course of action.

HollowTalk · 10/05/2019 11:32

He's rubbing his thighs at the thought of a patient's breasts? For god's sake, OP, this man needs to be reported.

janeybumtum · 10/05/2019 11:39

I think you really ought to report him and give HR a list of quotes and incidents and when he next cracks one of his absolutely hilarious corkers, tell him you don't think HR appreciates his sense of humour

Phoebs47 · 10/05/2019 11:44

I would start with something like "I'm sorry but that's really not appropriate!" and go from there...
Once you've said something, chances are he will respond with "oh it's only harmless fun" or something equally lame, at which point you can say "you may think so, but it's actually really offensive and potentially illegal".
If you're not comfortable with calling him out directly, go to your HR department and make a complaint about him. They have a duty of care to investigate and act upon it. Good luck!

PuppyMonkey · 10/05/2019 11:46

Arm you with the best response? Confused

Erm, probably just need to say “I’m reporting you for this.” And immediately report him.Confused

Original poster
BabyDarlingDollfaceHoney · 10/05/2019 11:53

@PuppyMonkey really don't think my post was difficult enough to understand that you needed to use two confused emojis in one reply.

OP posts:
EugenesAxe · 10/05/2019 11:54

Yes I agree if he works in healthcare and has sexual thoughts at the idea of breasts exposed in a clinical exam, I’d feel really uncomfortable. I never give a shit about female/male doctors examining my private bits as I depend on their professionalism (and my unattractiveness), but I wonder if I should now 🤔

I’d go to HR with that, personally. Although I guess there’s a big gulf between innuendo and potential sexual misconduct with a patient.

Original poster
BabyDarlingDollfaceHoney · 10/05/2019 11:55

Yes. I don't think he poses a risk to patients in any way. He just thinks he's being funny....

OP posts:
redhotchill · 10/05/2019 11:57

The fact you are focusing on other people getting favoured because you feel they flirt with him is a bit worrying.

The bit where he spoke about a patients breasts rubbing his thighs is the thing you should've reported.

Members of staff wearing low cut tops that are distracting in a healthcare setting? We'll surely there's a dress code?

It will be very hard to prove he is doing anything wrong because you perceive him to be flirting. I'm assuming he calls them honey, darling and doll based on your user name? That type of thing will just get shrugged off.

What exactly did he say about a patients breasts? Because if it's as bad as it sounds you should've reported that instantly