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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Please help - how to deal with difficult colleague?

23 replies

LimaLemur · 09/05/2019 23:37

Hi all,

I’ve been in my job for around a year and get on really well with my colleagues in my team, counting them as friends as well as people I work with.

It’s been difficult at times to work with one of my colleagues, though, who joined a couple of months after I did (let’s call him D).

When he started working with us, he would get very stressed, and would either storm off or complain loudly about the role so people in the team, who were presumably also feeling stressed, would hear him.

He was also rude on a couple of occasions to his line manager (who’s now left the team for a new role) and to another senior member of the team.

However, he’s also been rude to me on a couple of occasions. Once we were getting ready to leave for the day and I asked him if he had any plans after work, and he asked me sarcastically if I wanted him to ‘copy me into his personal diary’. At the time, I was a bit surprised, but then just stopped socialising with him and understood it was probably best not to chat with him about anything not work-related.

Then another time, I was doing work for the team and had to do my task quicker than usual due to a deadline being moved. Each team member had to contribute to the task and I was overseeing it. I was asking him for his contribution to the task, and he looked at me (he was clearly stressed) and said ‘I’m not even going to listen to you’, so I did his work for him so it would meet the deadline for the task (I raised how he spoke to me later on with my line manager, who was supportive and already aware of how he has behaved before). In this instance, I wasn’t bothered by having to do his work (we all pitch in and help each other all the time as we have workloads that vary from day to day) but more bothered about how he spoke to me.

The latest event is today when I was doing another team-related task. His work for this task was categorised in a certain way and I moved it to another category, thinking it would be better placed there. I queried this with him and he became very frustrated, asking me why I’d moved it and saying this was now the third time when I had tried to ‘overrule’ him.

We talked it through briefly with a manager who smoothed the situation over.

I’m a bit rattled and not his biggest fan for the reasons listed above but I fully realise I need to be professional and maintain a good working relationship with him.

I apologised to him at the time but it’s left me wondering if I should apologise to him further. He’s on annual leave for a bit, so I’m just wondering if I should send him an email to apologise?

WWYD?

OP posts:

StuckInsideAnEcho · 09/05/2019 23:39

Don't apologise. It's obvious you are not doing anything wrong. God knows what his problem is.

mouldyhousemouldylife · 09/05/2019 23:41

I wouldn't continue being pleasant and helpful to this smarmy cunt who doesn't deserve it. I also wouldn't have apologised.

itsboiledeggsagain · 09/05/2019 23:41

Loads of people like this at work, I am dealing with one like it too. Snotty rude and never a nice thing to say. It can be very difficult if they hover on thr line of acceptable and therefore get away with a lot.

PennyMordauntsLadyBrain · 09/05/2019 23:44

We talked it through briefly with a manager who smoothed the situation over.

I’d leave it there.

From what you’ve outlined, it was a minor incident that he’s over reacted to. I’d hesitate to apologise again and allow him to feel justified in his rudeness and aggressiveness.

I would however make a note of any incidences of him overreacting or making you feel intimidated going forward. You might not need them, but he doesn’t sound like an easy person to work with and I’d like to cover my arse with someone like that.

llangennith · 09/05/2019 23:49

Don't apologise! You have done nothing to apologise for and doing so will undermine your position further.
Talk to HR or your own line manager about his attitude.

RSAcre · 09/05/2019 23:59

I apologised to him at the time but it’s left me wondering if I should apologise to him further.

No no no no no.

You have done nothing wrong.
Management is already aware that he a volatile pain in the arse.
He is trying to shut you down by aggressively claiming that you have acted out of order. You haven't. Deadlines are there for a reason, & you took the decision that would see a moving deadline achieved. His feelings about that are immaterial.

PLEASE do not weaken your position by kowtowing to the little arsehole.

Keep the lines of communication open to the situation-smoothing manager - but do this along the lines of -
"I took decision X to ensure the moving deadline was met on time, but D is unhappy with my actions. I'm comfortable because the deadline was in fact met due to my actions, but just giving you the heads-up in case there is further fallout."

Appeasing bullies (& he is one - he expects people to back off when he snarks & acts up) - only makes them bully harder. Cover your arse as per the quick chat with manager above, & only communicate about prpfessional matters with D.

Hecateh · 10/05/2019 00:10

Don't apologise any further - you have done nothing wrong.

You are clearly more competent than him and I suspect this has been pointed out to him in his reviews (maybe not by name but that he isn't performing) - you won't be aware (quite rightly) of his performance reviews but it seems clear that management is aware that he doesn't match up)
When you have a review emphasise how you try to support him rather than how he falls down. Unless your management is pathetic (which happens) you don't need to be the one who names and shames. Just don't give him any ammo

AdoraBell · 10/05/2019 00:12

Definitely don’t apologise.

Original poster

LimaLemur · 10/05/2019 00:19

Should I raise what happened with him today with my line manager? She’s already aware of how he can behave, and equally I don’t want it to come across to her as if I trusted my judgment more than D’s judgement on the way I carried out today’s task, but the fact D can be unpredictable and snappy makes me uneasy and it makes him difficult to work with. In my meeting with the other manager and D today to smooth things over, D mentioned how we’d already had 3 similar times where I’d ‘overruled’ him I’m frustrated and a bit weirded out he’s keeping a tally :/

OP posts:

gilchrist168 · 10/05/2019 00:21

Don't apologise
Don't do his work for him
Don't help him
Keep it short and professional if you have to deal with him

BumbleBeee69 · 10/05/2019 00:21

Stop pandering to an ignorant git, why would you apologise to someone who treated you so fucking appallingly ?

LittleMy77 · 10/05/2019 00:25

If he's keeping tally, then I'd definitely raise it with your line manager, as its clearly not a one off, and I suspect he'll be playing the 'wronged' card soon enough and trying to blame you for something, especially if you're completing work for him for a deadline - this is open to so much going wrong if he decides to get the hump about something you've done (even though you've gone above and beyond to help)

Also, don't apologize again. You'd be giving him the upper hand in a situation where you've done nothing wrong!

Original poster

LimaLemur · 10/05/2019 00:42

Thanks for your advice, everyone! You’ve all been really helpful.

OP posts:

RSAcre · 10/05/2019 01:34

Should I raise what happened with him today with my line manager?

Yes, raise it, & please see my suggestion above on how you might choose to word that.

I don’t want it to come across to her as if I trusted my judgment more than D’s judgement on the way I carried out today’s task

Why on earth not? It was your decision making that got the task completed on time. Keep trusting your judgement, it's clearly working well for the company!

In my meeting with the other manager and D today to smooth things over, D mentioned how we’d already had 3 similar times where I’d ‘overruled’ him

Good. He has just tacitly informed the manager that you have had to take charge of previous situations as well as this one. What a twat, he's quite hilariously shot himself in the foot.

You mentioned feeling "weirded out" by him keeing a tally & this is understandable because the twat is aggressive & undermining.
But I am actually less concerned about him than you. You are coming across as quite self-effacing, & I wonder if you might find an assertiveness training course would give you a massive confidence boost?

Some twat - who management already know to be a twat - whines that you have 'overuled' him. So long as you keep calling the right shots (like you did to get the moving deadline met), all he is doing is drawing attention to the fact that he NEEDS overuling.
Your entire team know him for what he is: they have to listen to him huffing & complaining & acting out while they get their heads down to get the tasks completed. Have faith in yourself, stick to your guns, & keep calling the shots when you know you have a solution that is going to work well for the company.

And please look for a weekend course in assertiveness. Give it to yourself as a present. The twat is trying to undermine you - get yourself trained up in how to handle him & all the myriad twats you are going to encounter in your career.

Original poster

LimaLemur · 10/05/2019 14:32

Thanks again for your help, everyone! I’ve spoken about it today with my line manager and she’s been really understanding and confirmed I’ve done the right thing.

OP posts:

RSAcre · 10/05/2019 15:40

Brilliant re: your update OP - onward & upward!

ThatCurlyGirl · 10/05/2019 15:48

@LimaLemur

Well done OP that's a fab update. By speaking up and flagging behaviour like this you help other current / future colleagues who feel / would feel unable to do so

Original poster

LimaLemur · 10/05/2019 19:02

Thanks Curly!

OP posts:

Original poster

LimaLemur · 10/05/2019 19:17

And RS - sorry, just saw your post now!

OP posts:

Kazzz65 · 10/05/2019 19:25

I would give him his tasks and not jump help him in future as he's implied you've interfered. ignore him when he says he's not listening and remind him when it's to be done by. If he doesn't do it, it will be clear he hasn't managed. Don't apologise as you've done nothing wrong and it makes you look like you've got the problem. Report any rudeness to your line manager and its up to them to address it in his personal review. Just be completely civil, calm and professional and don't react when he's rude just state what you have to say.

Original poster

LimaLemur · 10/05/2019 19:44

Thanks Kazzz, that’s a really good idea.

I think staying calm and professional when I interact with him is absolutely key.

I also think PP’s suggestions of keeping a record of any incidents with me with him (and mentioning them, if necessary, to my line manager) is a good idea.

I’m worried that my conversation about him with my line manager today will be interpreted by him as me going ‘behind his back’ and telling tales if he hears about it.

I think he’ll probably hear about it from his LM, who works alongside my LM, but I’m not sure if his LM will mention it as ‘a colleague raised X’ or ‘Lima raised this’.

OP posts:

gilchrist168 · 11/05/2019 01:18

You are dong great Lima, well done, thanks for letting us know how things went with the line manager.

justarandomtricycle · 11/05/2019 01:24

I'm going to loosely echo what a PP said here.

Don't apologise, draw a line under it and move on as far as interactions are concerned, BUT be aware that with people who act like this it is often the tip of the iceberg you are seeing.

This is the kind of person who fucks you behind your back. Be prepared for that. Note incidents. Be prepared to act, because this cunt will be.

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