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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder what this was about....

25 replies

doris9034 · 09/05/2019 23:26

So..... DP and I have not been intimate for around 3 years. Whilst not exactly my choice, I've accepted that is the situation and in every other respect we have a great relationship. Last night, he started cuddling me in bed, playing with boobs etc - stuff he hasn't done in ages - but didnt go below waist level! I asked if it was ok for me to touch him and he wanted me to - but hand only - and get him to climax. That was it - nothing for me, job done. So... my aibu is am I wrong in thinking wtf was this all about?!

OP posts:

SmellbowSmellbow123 · 09/05/2019 23:29

Of course you’re not BU! Have you spoken about it? Is this how it is usually for you?!

Original poster

doris9034 · 09/05/2019 23:34

I havent said anything - we've had many conversations over the last few years about lack of intimacy and he says its cos of his weight and he doesnt feel comfortable which I have accepted. But clearly last night he didnt just randomly lose 4 stone....

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 09/05/2019 23:41

Was he always so selfish?

Original poster

doris9034 · 09/05/2019 23:51

That's the thing - he's the least selfish, most tolerant person I have ever known! That's what makes this weird!!

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 09/05/2019 23:57

Maybe you need to ask him bluntly what it was all about and whether he thought it was fair that he should have an orgasm while he was denying you one.

StuckInsideAnEcho · 09/05/2019 23:57

I'm lucky to have sex once a month with my partner because of his weight and how he feels about it. What is your partner actively doing to tackle the weight issue? I'd be in floods if my partner did what yours did.

Original poster

doris9034 · 10/05/2019 00:06

He's not really doing anything about the weight issue - but tbf we've been together 8 years and hes always been big. Sex tapered off about 4 years ago - dont really know why and we dont talk about it.... it's not the be all and end all for us, but anytime I have attempted to touch I've been rejected, then last night that happened out of the blue - weird....

OP posts:

specterlitt · 10/05/2019 00:16

No intimacy will kill your relationship if it continues, you both should be able to enjoy one another.

Speak to him and ask why you're no longer close, why does he think his weight means you do not want to be sexually active with him, and also tell him you have needs and want to work on the relationship but enough is enough now something needs to be done.

I feel for you OP and I hope you both can work this out, it's not healthy and you both have your own desires and needs.

If you were to initiate sex, would he stop you?

Original poster

doris9034 · 10/05/2019 00:22

@spectre yes he stops me - so I dont try anymore

OP posts:

MrsMozartMkII · 10/05/2019 00:26

You need to talk to him about it.

You're not there to scratch his once in a rare blue moon itch.

Original poster

doris9034 · 10/05/2019 00:32

How do I approach the question? Is it "Darling, why exactly did you want me to touch you last night when you havent for the last 2 years?"

OP posts:

Original poster

doris9034 · 10/05/2019 00:33

I do agree with you all - we do have to talk.

OP posts:

Chocmallows · 10/05/2019 00:38

No sex in 4 years!
I would have wanted to sort things out after a few months.

QueenOfPain · 10/05/2019 00:41

Maybe he is trying to make a change, and last night was the start of him trying, and it just kinda happened in the moment? And he intends to rectify things over the next few days/weeks/months?

I never play devils advocate for the sake of it, but maybe don’t go in both guns blazing immediately on this occasion as there might be more to come? Hopefully literally.

Original poster

doris9034 · 10/05/2019 00:43

@chocmallows I get you - but we are fine like that. It's the randomness of last night's events that has got me confused.....

OP posts:

Original poster

doris9034 · 10/05/2019 00:45

@queens I will optimistically buy in to your theory.

OP posts:

ReanimatedSGB · 10/05/2019 00:49

Was he any good at it when he was interested? I can see how this might have been a rather rubbish attempt at trying to get things going again, but the fact that it was all about him with little attempt to make it enjoyable for you doesn't bode well, really.

eeela · 10/05/2019 00:53

In Your situation, yanbu to be miffed and upset. You definitely need to talk about it. I would say it almost exactly how you put it: "darling, why did you want me to touch you last night when you haven't for 2 years? Was there something different? also why the fuck did you then ignore my needs"

In my relationship often just one of us will get to climax if it's night time and we're tired - or if one of us is horny and the other isn't particularly themselves, but we have regular sex where we both orgasm (and both masturbate) so it isn't an issue.

Justaboy · 10/05/2019 00:56

Maybe he's just got some of those little blue pills;?

You can be quite heavy and still have a good time I manage and my weight is quoted in fractions of a ton;!

Coming back to little blue pills might he have ED thats put him off all this time possibly?, it does seem somewhat odd I think they only way is to talk to him but most all men find that very awkard to do. Don't push him too much let him take his time.

Anyway looks like a step in the right direction hope it impoves for the both of you:-)

Original poster

doris9034 · 10/05/2019 00:56

@reanimated - we were never all fireworks and dynamite!! And I was quite accepting that no sex was a part of our relationship - which is why I found it weird that he suddenly did that last night ...

OP posts:

expat101 · 10/05/2019 01:03

Has he been ill at all? My Hubby had prostate cancer and the radiation treatment has knocked his activity and ability around a lot, which has a flow-on effect on mental health, worrying about our relationship etc.

If I were you, I would pick your moment to talk to him. And not when you are in bed either.

QuiFaitCa · 10/05/2019 09:57

For whatever reason he felt sexual for the first time in years, I would go gently so you don't lose some good momentum, start another petting session soon and say that you'd like more action yourself.

MrsMozartMkII · 11/05/2019 19:36

Did you talk with him?

SignedUpJust4This · 11/05/2019 20:02

Say 'I really enjoyed last night. Did you? We should do it more often...' try it on again with him. If he engages but leaves you hanging again say 'oi - what gives?!' either way you need to have a conversation

SimonJT · 11/05/2019 20:07

That’s a tricky one, it could be a start of him gaining more confidence and bringing back your sex life, so while it doesn’t excuse the lack of attention he gave you, focusing on it too much might discourage him.

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