To wonder if I had PND?

[Nightnight23]

Posting here for traffic. Sorry if this is long.
Background - hypermesis during pregnancy followed by a horrific 30 hour birth which resulted in a third degree tear. Although I don’t remember much I know I was separated from my son within 5 mins of him being born as I was losing a lot of blood and needed to get to theatre. My son was healthy thank god but what happened and the loss of control haunts me.
I found the first year horrifically hard. I have rheumatoid arthritis so life at times isn’t easy anyway. I always put it down to that and me struggling to adapt to motherhood.
My son is now almost three and is literally the sunshine in my world. I can’t begin to describe how much joy he gives me. However when I look back on that first year, especially those first six months I feel a mixture of numbness and sadness. I’m sad as I don’t think I bonded with my son for a long time. I feel like we survived that period but there was very little joy or contentment that Mums seem to have? I remember feeling like my son would have been better off being brought up by someone else. I felt like a complete failure and I still look back and feel like I failed him.

I had zero confidence in my mothering skills and so had no maternal instinct/Mother’s know best type feeling. I spent months panicking that he was going to die from overheating in his bed or some other safety related thing. As a result I was over cautious so he would never have been in any danger. I made myself go to a baby group but found it incredibly stressful as if he cried for a prolonged period I felt that everyone was thinking I was a failure and not ‘doing it’ properly. (I now know this is just beyond ridiculous!) it also stopped me from going out as much as I would have as I was scared he’d have a meltdown someone and I wouldn’t be able to calm him.
I’ve had to throw away all my clothes and coats from that time as they made me feel ill looking at them. When I look back on photos from the newborn stage I feel so anxious. If I talk about the birth I feel physically sick.
I now feel like I’m a good mum to my son. He’s the best thing in my life but I’m so sad it took a year to get to that point. I feel guilty that he missed out on what should have been natural maternal feelings.
I’m sorry this is a bit disjointed but it’s the first time I’ve ever really written anything down about it.
Was it just struggling to come to terms with being a mum or could it have been PND?
The thought of having another child terrifies me as it was just so difficult which makes me sad as I desperately want my son to have a sibling and it took us 4 years to catch with him.
I feel like I should have been calm and contented during periods of that time but I was just a jittering wreck.

Didn’t want to read and run. The first year is bloody hard - the hardest of their young years. And you had a shit start to it with an awful birth. I can identify with a lot of what you say. I look back at the early days with mine and feel guilty about how snappy, stressy and what a horrid shouty mum I was at times. I have to block some of it out. What I’m saying is, you’re not alone and I’m sure you’re a brilliant mum. Try not to beat yourself up - I don’t think any new mums live up to their own expectations (and I’m very doubtful that many are truly content in the early days, as you think) And yes, I do wonder about PND in my own situation. X

Yes it sounds like it might have been PND. Glad you are feeling better now! Did you talk to dr/HV etc at the time to explain how you were feeling?

Sounds like you did. Shows how much of an absolutely amazing person and mother you are that you got through that and have a great relationship with your son now. Even though everything was so hard, you cared so well for him that he developed in every way including building his trust and love for his Mum, knowing he was secure and safe and cared for. You did all the right things, you just weren't getting much enjoyment out of it - but he didn't know that because you are such a good mother.

If the same thing was to happen again I am sure you would recognise the symptoms. If you never have another baby and your DS doesn't have a sibling that's ok too. My DS is an only and he sees advantages and disadvantages to it. He has friends and cousins and he has friends who are onlies and friends with siblings and he's happy. Sometimes you have to do what's best for the family you have already, though I would have loved another child I'm a bit too old now and DS is 11 so they wouldn't be playmates anyway.

Sorry for the ramble! I think you're great and your DS is lucky to have you, your love shines out. We can't change the past and you have nothing to feel guilty about. You did your best and your best was more than good enough. You've built a fantastic bond and you did it through difficult times.

I had a terrible bereavement a few years ago. Up until then my DS was the sunshine in my life and I'd get a great rush of love when I saw him, when he woke up in the morning, when I picked him up from school, when I watched him playing or sleeping or whatever. But for a good 18 months I had no joy, I was just going through the motions. I know he felt it a bit and I do feel guilty, but he's ok and he was ok and I was still there loving him and being his mother - it just wasn't as joyful or enjoyable for me because really I just wanted to curl up in a ball and howl most of the time, especially at the beginning... but I was still there being Mammy and cuddling him and listening and playing and reading stories. Santa came, birthdays were celebrated, homework was done, dinners were made. So for him I don't think it made much difference, it was more for me not feeling the joy or connection. And I lost that time too, it's not coming back.

And that's life. There are ups and downs. And you've already proved you are a good mother during the downs. I do think you might need to grieve a bit about missing out on that baby time. Grieve and feel sad and forgive yourself and let the guilt go.

I think if you were to have another, you may not get PND anyway and if you did you'd recognise the symptoms. So follow your heart. Best of luck and sorry for the big ramble. I'm not sure it's at all helpful - just wanted to know you're great and not to feel guilty and life can be hard at times but that just shows how great you are.

Thanks so much for your messages, some really kind words .
I’m really ok now, I just wish I could look back fondly on those times and feel I was good enough for my son. (I now do feel like I’m good enough and I’m proud of the Mum I’ve become).
I didn’t go to the doctors as i didn’t feel confident going places like that with my son (as stupid as that sounds) and I knew there’d be follow up appointments and I didn’t want the extra hassle at the time I put it all down to it just being a difficult few months plus my personality is to overthink and worry anyway.
If we have another it would be slightly different as I’d be looking to have any caesarean as I don’t think I’d be able to have a vaginal birth again.

Really thanks so much for replying. I do appreciate it.

When you're stressed out and anxious appointments are even harder to organise and keep. I've been in a place where it's difficult to decide which clothes I should wash first, and end up not washing any. Appointments are a horror!

I'm sorry you missed out and you are perfectly entitled to feel sad about it. I hope you get to a place of acceptance and also start to feel proud of yourself for not only getting through it, but getting through it so successfully, in spite of feeling so dreadful.