To think there should be compromise on location?

[Hellogoodbyethanks]

Concerned about my friend. She’s in her mid 30s, been focused on her career for years working in a large city with lots of friends (including me). Has a great job which for many reasons really needs to be in the city. Her long term boyfriend lives in a small town an hour away by train. After 3 years together they have decided to buy a property together.

He is insisting they live in said small town or as close as possible so he can be a 30 minute bike ride to work. He doesn’t want to drive in traffic every day.

The problem is, from where he wants to live, it could take nearly an hour and a half each way for her to commute on the train. She’s used to a short bus ride at the moment.

I am worried she’s being forced into moving somewhere that ultimately will make her miserable - a small town she has no desire to live in, away from friends, horrendous long commute (not to mention expensive!) while he cycles to work from down the road.

I’ve advised her to try and take control of the situation a bit and suggest some ‘compromise’ locations but it sounds like he’s having none of it!

AIBU to think this is a bad situation??

Yes but what can you do? It’s their decision.

Of course - it’s just she’s spoken to me at length about this over the last few months so it is obviously upsetting her and I am concerned about it. I just wondered whether others think this is a healthy situation as I don’t!

She might not stay in the job for ever. I’m sure she is probably hoping to be married to her partner for ever. Life changes and change isn’t necessarily a bad thing. What if she has kids and gives up working?

Jebus - true, but then playing devil’s advocate, why should she be the one to give up her career when she’s worked so hard? Surely it could work the other way and he gives up work and they live nearer to her job? I know that’s often not how it works but I don’t think she should be forced into doing what he wants because she’s the woman. They aren’t even engaged.

I don’t think it’s healthy. Unless property and/or cost of living is much much cheaper then I think it’s unreasonable and screams control. I couldn’t do it. I need my friends around me.

Chocolate - cheaper than the city but then there’s the huge cost of her commute in comparison!

She’s already very worried about how isolated she’ll feel from her friends and family just to be able to live with him.

Why doesn’t she just say no? I told
My dh I would never live where he is from and we don’t live there and we are still together

She might not stay in the job for ever. I’m sure she is probably hoping to be married to her partner for ever. Life changes and change isn’t necessarily a bad thing. What if she has kids and gives up working?

Jesus. What is she has kids and he gives up working? If change isn’t necessarily a bad thing, why doesn’t he give it a try?

This relationship sounds seriously out of kilter, with the compromise/sacrifices falling disproportionately on one side.

I’m not sure why - afraid of confrontation? Losing him? But seems like she’ll have to or she’s going to end up resentful down the line?

It's her own choice to move, he can't make her to anything. She knows the consequences of moving, she'll have to live with them if she goes through with it.

Be honest and tell her she's probably going to regret it if you believe that. However it's up to her.

It’s not really your place to advise your friend on anything unless she specifically asks for your opinion.
I suggest that your friend talks to her boyfriend about what they both want from a house and take it from there. There’s always a compromise but it doesn’t always have to be halfway between their respective work places.

Jassy - my thoughts exactly, not even engaged and he’s acting like she’s going to be a SAHM instantly with no question and no suggestion that she could be the breadwinner. I couldn’t stand it myself, I think this is why I’m so worried about it for her.

Sounds like she would be happier or better off single and staying put.

What would be her ideal situation, has she said? Or has she only presented what he wants?

Career wise, she is always going to have better opportunities in the city and often those who are used to a city life do find it hard to adjust in smaller communities.

Are those the only reasons he does not wish to live in the city?

You've said her job needs to be in the city -does his job need to be where he is currently or could he move?

Unless he massively out earns her, or is a farmer or something that couldn't be done in the city, then I'd be worried as well. I dont think it bodes well when making major life decisions that one person expects the other to make all the sacrifices while they dont compromise at all. I think in general both parties should compromise to find a solution that works for everyone.

Some things are impossible to compromise on (eg one partner wants kids and one doesn't) but for most situations a middle ground can be reached, so they could both have a reasonable commute

Commuting that far can really take it out of you, she will be more tired, have less cash, and less spare time. If they have kids she wont see them in the week or be able to do any nursery or school runs unless she changes jobs