To not want to lose a best friend because of their impending divorce?

[TeacupTurtle]

Ok, so I'm jumping the gun a bit here but my best friends (Brian & Sophie) are going to get divorced - only Brian doesn't know it yet. These two have both been firm friends of mine for decades. Both of them have together seen me through thick & thin. We all have different skills & have helped each other out many times. I've never forgotten the kindness they extended to me when my exdh left & I had to get back on my feet again.

Sophie is now very close to calling divorce on Brian, their intimate life isn't working out & Brian won't 'do' counselling. Sophie has been trying to mend things for the last year or so & it isn't working, she's already seen a solicitor, she's just waiting to choose her moment to tell him.

My aibu is that I don't want to lose Brian as a friend but I'm going to have to aren't I? Sophie's going to be very unhappy if I ever see her dh during or after divorce. It's just that we've all been best mates for years & it feels very sad to lose a really good friendship when we've had no issue. Has anyone else found themselves in this position?

It really doesn't have to be like that.

I left my DH 3 years ago. Our circle of close friends mainly comprised blokes he'd been at school with and their wives/partners.

We are both still on good terms with everyone. One couple have slightly sides with XH in that I don't get invited to anything they plan anymore, but they were the pair I was least close to anyway.

Two couples I'm still very friendly with, particularly the wives and my DD is best mates with one of their DDs. We also see DDs godfather, who is XH's best mate a few times a year independently of him with no issues.

I also got to 'keep' my younger BIL and his wonderful family, and we are now closer to them than when I was married as XH was not his younger bro's biggest fan for some weird reason dating back to their childhood.

It really just depends on the characters of those involved and how they handle it.

I'm of the view (after a particularly dramatic friend who once made me choose between her and another friend who she had fallen out with for some reason - she was 42!) that if anyone is immature and childish enough to tell an adult who they can and can't be friends with - then they are the ones who need to be told to fuck off.

Why? You are friends with both now and should remain friends with both. You shouldn’t be asked to ‘pick sides’ I would however make sure I didn’t take part in any conversations about the other, or the divorce

Unless the divorce is triggered by infidelity or abuse, there is no justification for making you pick sides.

Regardless of how they’re ending, you don’t have to pick sides. You’re all adults and they have to accept you’ll want them both in your life as friends after the divorce. If either can’t accept that then they aren’t good friends. As long as you don’t speak about them:involve in bitchy comments etc there is no reason why you can’t be friends separately. Avoid any involvement in the actual divorce too it’ll get too messy.

Leighhalfpennysthigh has it I think.

I've only ever been issued with ultimatums 3 times in my life. Each time it was the issuer who was told to fuck off.

Bit different but my DSis split with her uni boyfriend of 8 years at her instigation- he was/is like a brother to me. We've stayed friends and he was best man at DH and I's wedding and she was a bridesmaid. Neither have ever made any issue about it. Obviously I'm not going to cut DSis out but she's never even passed comment on us continuing to see DFriend frequently.

I would continue to see Brian and not hide it from Sophie, as if it's completely reasonable that you should remain friends with both -because it is- and decline to speak to either about the divorce, even if they try to drag you in.

I may get flamed for this but when I got divorced I made no secret of the fact that I wanted all of my circle to disconnect from him and I immediately cut off everyone on his side. His best mate even messaged me to ask why and I was honest, it would be too painful for me and I would never really trust his friendship. Anyone on my side who maintained contact with my ex was no longer my friend. Sorry, I know now how it sounds, but at the time that’s what I had to do to make it through in one piece.