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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to consider ending marriage because dh is a workaholic

17 replies

Westside1 · 08/05/2019 18:54

I posted about this a couple of weeks ago but am starting to wonder if I’d be better off leaving dh. I spoke to him about his lack of support and he doesn’t see how much of an impact him not being here is having on me. I suffer from anxiety and it’s got worse over time from having to deal with everything. Dh works crazy hours and he doesn’t need to as we are fine financially. I’m finding it very lonely being home with child more so the time so starting to consider leaving and moving closer to family. At least that way dd would see more of her cousins and aunts/uncles and I’d have some support. I just can’t seem to get through to him. I’ve really started to think life is too short to live like this. Any advice would be appreciated

OP posts:

Waveysnail · 08/05/2019 18:56

Could you move next to family and dh commute to work or come home weekends? First step forward as such.

NeatFreakMama · 08/05/2019 18:58

Does his job require him to work that many hours to get ahead? Tell him you’re lonely in the marriage.

panelledreverie · 08/05/2019 18:59

Yes I think waveysnail’s suggestion is a good one - mine is a workaholic too and it’s not until you have dc that it really strikes. I’ve not read your previous thread op, but I also found the same, and I certainly feel better when I’m working part time too, but clearly you need some back up to be able to do this.

CoraPirbright · 08/05/2019 19:00

How old is your child? I think all too often mums feel lonely and isolated - I know I did until I pulled my finger out, got on the phone and arranged stuff and started attending baby groups etc.

Only you can know exactly how unhappy you are but my dh is also a workaholic who I rarely see. However, I knew that when I married him (we were going out for 3 years before getting engaged) so I made my choice. I love him so much that am willing to take the time I get with him and I know that to not work as much would make him terribly anxious and, eventually, depressed and possibly difficult to live with. I guess you have to balance all that and make your decision.

panelledreverie · 08/05/2019 19:07

You can build a network where you are but plenty of people do move closer to family when they have dc as that’s usually the best kind of support

TakeABreak2 · 08/05/2019 19:25

Hang on in there, I was in your exact position summer last year OP.
When I'd wake dh would be gone I'd be left all day with 2 screaming toddlers and he'd return at 7/8/9/10pm
Dh is self employed and sometimes wouldn't finish until 9ish then have to drop workers home
Then when he would return home I'd be mentally and physically exhausted but it would be like a competition every single night who was more worn out.
In his eyes he was doing good working as hard as he could while summer was here because in winter work dies down, I understood but couldn't stick at that life no more. We had massive arguments gaurenteed every week until the weather got a bit work days got shorter and he realised what he was missing (lie ins the odd time with the children and film nights) he now realises this but last year it was like there was no way out and no way to get through to him.
Don't call quits just yet! Try talk to him, make him remember that he has a family! I was so close to packing up and going and am so happy I didn't!

BlueJava · 08/05/2019 20:19

I think YABU unless you have really tried to work it out. You could end up totally on your own with DC, surrounded by your relatives playing happy families and with a lot less money. This phase with DCs doesn't last forever.

Original poster

Westside1 · 08/05/2019 21:35

Thanks for all the replies, all of us moving definitely isn’t an option as we live on a farm. He doesn’t need to work this hard as I said we are very comfortable financially. I know I need to try to talk to him again but I just feel like I’m not being listened to. We have one child almost 4. I either need to move to do things to make my life here better eg meet more people or pay babysitter in evenings so I can get out more. I’m working part time so it’s not like I’m here all day every day. I just feel he is very selfish in his actions and not thinking of the impact it’s having on me or dd

OP posts:

Fiveredbricks · 08/05/2019 21:39

You live on a farm... What did you think marrying a farmer would be like exactly? Being a farmer isn't being a workaholic. It's an entire lifestyle

Otterhound · 08/05/2019 21:46

Yep. Being a farmer is a lifestyle.
A friend has a title. and lots of money. He works all hours all the time.

graziemille1 · 08/05/2019 21:47

When you married a farmer you married into a lifestyle I’m afraid.

Surely before you had children and before you were married this must’ve been how it was.

I think being a farmer is more than a job.

YetAnotherThing · 08/05/2019 21:58

If you’re doing ok financially, would he consider employing someone to manage farm so he has more downtime?

Stillme1 · 08/05/2019 22:00

My first husband was a workoholic. We were very young and very daft. He was tired I was lonely and we argued a lot! We eventually split up and divorced.
We both married other people. My second husband was a waste of space. Didnt earn any money but talked big. A total sponger. I divorced him.

First husband also got divorced from second wife. We were very good friends and supported each other through thick and thin until his death.
Never thought I would ever meet anyone else but I did. DP is another workoholic but this time we are both older and wiser.
If it has to be one extreme or the other I have more respect for a man who works all hours to provide than I do for some man who sponges from a woman.

ControversialFerret · 08/05/2019 22:02

Farming is a 24/7 life and long hours go with the territory. However if things are financially comfortable then hiring on some farm staff or a manager might be an option, to help spread the load and free up a bit of his time?

Original poster

Westside1 · 08/05/2019 22:34

I know farming is a lifestyle I have no problem with that. He has taken on a lot of extra unnecessary work over the last few year when he doesn’t need to. He is a father now so his child should come before this extra work when he doesn’t need the extra money.

Still me, thanks for sharing, funnily i know someone married to a work shy man but he is a wonderful father and partner so it’s hard to know which is worse. At the moment we spend no quality time together as a family.its really sad

OP posts:

TanMateix · 08/05/2019 22:46

It is ok to leave. In fact, being workaholic is one of the most commonly quoted reasons for divorce when divorcing on unreasonable behaviour grounds.

I’m a workaholic and so was my exH. It really didn’t matter when it was only the 2 of us but it did big time after we became parents as all the responsibility of taking care of the baby and bringing him up while keeping a job fell completely on me.

Interestingly, it was much easier and relaxing to care for my son on my own after he moved out than when it took me HOURS to get him to help on anything around the house but then, I didn’t worry about being financially independent before the split... so that’s something to work on before you leave.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 08/05/2019 23:05

Yanbu to decide you've had enough of this marriage but ya possibly bu to tie that in with your anxiety. Are you certain you'll feel less anxious if you divorce. If not, maybe really work on that and see if your life improves anyway?

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