I need to keep out of this, don't I?

[SoppingWetMayDay]

Apparently DM accidentally sent DB a text message intended for someone else in which she was critical of DSIL. I'm dreading seeing DM later because she's already been texting me full of self-pity and acting victimised. Am I right in thinking it's OK to tell her that it's not my business and she should just apologise if DB is pissed off (last I heard, he hadn't even replied yet)?

Context is that my parents are pissed off with DSIL because they feel they aren't seeing enough of their baby grandchild. Personally, I'd love to see more of him (he's a cutie!) but I don't feel that it's an entitlement or that bitching about DSIL behind her back is a good way to achieve it, particularly since it was inevitably going to get back to her one way or another.

Either way, AIBU to have had enough of all the drama and just keep out of it?

Oh dear, keep right out of it! With bells on! Her cock-up, hers to own, and apologise for.

Your mum was in the wrong for texting anyone else about this because once you put something in writing it takes on a whole new life of its own. she has hopefully learned her lesson. I would definitely keep out of this because you could end up alienating both sides.

You absolutely do need to keep out of it, but I bet you a pound to a penny that your DM will try and pull you right back in!

Keep out of it if you can

Why is DSIL’s fault and not DB’s? That seems unfair, if pretty typical...

Your mum should feel awful and apologise, she’s hardly helped herself but slagging off the person she wants more from.

Keep right out of shut your mum down when she starts and point out it will make DBro even more upset/angry if/when he finds out she has carried on taking about him behind his back.

Keep out of it and don’t pick sides/gossip with other relatives about it. Things like this have a nasty way of coming back on you and causing family rifts. It’ll blow over.

Context is that my parents are pissed off with DSIL because they feel they aren't seeing enough of their baby grandchild
I wonder why her own son doesn't take responsibility for this?
Probably because she's a bellend and he doesn't want his child exposed to it.

Hopefully DB will just delete it and not mention it to dsil

Your DM isn't going to see how wrong she was so there's no point engaging in her self-pity. Are you and DBro close?

"Why is DSIL’s fault and not DB’s? That seems unfair, if pretty typical..."

DM has decided that DSIL isn't letting DB bring their child over more often. None of us have spoken to DB about it, so I agree that it's just as likely that DB and DSIL have decided together on an appropriate amount of grandparent contact.

Keep out of it unless approached, but if your mum mentions it, by all means let her have it. She has fucked up massively. A pushy, entitled MIL is a nightmare to deal with, and your mum is clearly too daft to realise that this baby isn't hers and you get more bees with honey than with vinegar. Tell her, by all means, keep up this shit attitude and behaviour if she doesn't want to see her grandchild.

"Are you and DBro close?"

We were as teenagers. Not so much now. I love him to bits but he's not big on talking about stuff, so not point my raising the subject with him.

When I say "raising the subject" , obviously I don't mean that I have any intention of meddling myself! I'm not available for flying monkey duties.

Your flying monkeys duties made me smile because my first thought when reading the thread.

When If M brings it up you just say 'Not my circus, not my monkeys' and change the subject

Describing your mum as self victimising and pitying makes me wonder if she's one of 'those' mum's and perhaps that's another reason to consider why they may not be all over?

Out of curiosity how often does she see him, and how often does she think she should?

I think it's averaged out around once a month, maybe? Photos and videos on WhatsApp at least a couple of times a week. They have the opportunity to drop in more often, as they're in the area weekly for a regular appointment - however, I don't necessarily see the fact that they don't as a snub because visiting with babies is a PITA, especially when they still need 2-3 naps a day. Also, they recently made a gesture towards DM's partner that suggests they see him as a key figure in their baby's life.

Wow, that's plenty and a lot more than some GPs see their GC!

Speaking from experience: stay out of it.

Does she ever make the effort to go and see them?
I suspect she will see even less of the baby now.

To be fair, she'd certainly make the effort to travel there if asked. I don't know whether they prefer to meet elsewhere or whether she's waiting to be invited and they're assuming that she'll invite herself if she wants to come?

My mother was a gynaecologist so was full of "helpful" advice to my sister and sister in law when they were pregnant. Then full of more "helpful" advice when they had kids.

I love my sister and sister in law and I loved my mother so decided that nod, smile and stay quiet was the only response to either side bitching about the other.

I'd stay well out of it. Sounds like your Mum has dug herself a hole you don't want to fall into it too.

My father has seen far less of the baby. I've been trying to point out to my mother that that absolutely isn't her circus/ monkeys (they've been divorced for years) but she's insisting on taking it personally and being outraged with DSIL. Thing is, DF was a pretty horrible father when we were growing up (and my mother was always the first to say so). I made the call to allow him supervised access to his first grandchild on condition that he behaved, and he's honestly done really well and I'm glad I gave him a second chance. But he and DM don't really seem to get that that second chance was a privilege, not an entitlement, and DB is under no obligation to make the same choice as me.