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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel bitter that these men have such nice lives ?

52 replies

TheOriginalNutty · 08/05/2019 16:46

I have two main ex's. Ex1 was a complete tosser whilst we were together and has remained as such, with me and our dc, and his other dc. After we split, he dipped in and out of work (mainly out) and so paid little to nothing for his children, and I've since had a letter saying he wont be chased for it.
He now lives abroad with his new wife. She works full time in a well paid job and he does't work at all. He spends his days sight seeing or doing fuck all.
Btw he left the UK without telling his dc he was going.

Ex2 - Is the very definition of the word Narcissist. He got inside my head for the 2 years we were (on and off) together, and he crushed my self esteem and confidence. He then got back with his ex and moved her and his dc to live by the coast (where me and him had spoken about moving to) and is now living happily ever after having cream teas and days at the beach, and only working part time cos of some big inheritance.

My life is ok. I have family and good friends and i'm just about to start a new job, but it has been a huge struggle. Money is always an issue and two of the dc have had significant MH problems, meaning I have often had to give up doing things to be there for them.

I just feel like both men completely fucked with my life and are now out living their best lives without a care in the world.
I know I sound jealous and yeh I probably am a bit, but more than that I just feel angry that things have worked out so well for them.

I wouldn't want to be back with either of them btw, and feel quite sorry for the women that they are with, but I kind of want to stamp my feet and shout it's not fair LOL.

OP posts:
Comps83 · 08/05/2019 17:43

Yeah I know what you mean op
But I like to imagine that my twat of an ex didn’t just change overnight and is still probably a train wreck and that they aren’t anywhere near as happy in reality behind closed doors

RaffertyFair · 08/05/2019 17:43

I do actually think both men will end up living alone and that’s no less than they deserve.

Whilst I completely get your frustration at the apparent unfairness of life, I wish being single wasn't seen as some sort of just deserves or punishment!

Perhaps if society wasn't so 'couple' oriented, there would be fewer unhappy / unhealthy relationships and maybe more happy people.

agnurse · 08/05/2019 17:44

Really, how they live is not your business. They are required to support their children. That's all.

There will always be people who have more and people who have less than you do. Continuously dwelling on that doesn't help YOU any.

In your shoes, I'd just be ignoring them and blocking any boastful SM posts.

Figure8 · 08/05/2019 17:44

Yeah, but you're not an asshole , so it all balances out.

Tintini · 08/05/2019 17:46

Narcissists are generally deeply unhappy people. I have a family member who is a narcissist (indeed I think he may have narcissistic personality disorder) and it has helped me in dealing with him to gradually try to turn my main emotion towards him from anger to pity. It can be kind of empowering to do that somehow. As others have said, I think it's highly unlikely that these men are actually happy / having nice lives based on how they behave towards others.

Original poster
TheOriginalNutty · 08/05/2019 17:47

Rafferty - sorry. I didn’t mean single, I meant alone as in without and friends or family.

I personally love being single so definitely don’t see it as a punishment 😁

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOriginalNutty · 08/05/2019 17:48

Agnurse - you are right, I know. I’m just having an off day 😊

OP posts:
MadAboutWands · 08/05/2019 17:52

That’s because you are a woman and they are men.
Men that can just just bugger off to sunny pastures wo laying anyth8ng or having any responsibility for the children they have brought into the world.
If they couldn’t do that and had to fully share responsibility, they wouodnt be able to just swear off like this and have a nice cushy life.

But yes the upside is that you have a relationship with yoUr dcs, whereas they are unlikely to. And you are unlikely to loose it all unlike them because they are still being a twat with wife No2 (or 3 or 4).

It does sting sometimes doesn’t it?

RaffertyFair · 08/05/2019 17:53

And I really hope you continue to have a happy life single, or in a relationship TheOriginalNutty Flowers

I do still wish our society viewed being single more positively - or just more 'normal'.

Original poster
TheOriginalNutty · 08/05/2019 17:54

Tintini - in the very fleeting and rare moments that ex2 was behaving like a ‘normal’ person I could indeed see that he is a very miserable and damaged person and yeh I do feel some pity for him.
He will never ever be truly happy because he’s never satisfied.

OP posts:
MadAboutWands · 08/05/2019 17:54

agnurse I would argue that yes by law, they are only require to pay some CM.
But surely, morally they should be required to do much more. To be a parent to those To parent them. To support them. And therefore to also pay the emotional, physical, practical and financial price of thatbesponsibility. Because they are a parent just as much as the mother is.

hellodarkness · 08/05/2019 17:55

OP, I predict bad things for the first ex. I mean, how long is his partner going to be happy supporting a cocklodger, so he can spend his days sightseeing while she works hard?

The fact that he buggered off abroad without telling his kids tells you all you need to know about him : he saw an easy life and jumped at it.

The second one - not sure. I guess there will be a lot of ongoing tension about their separation and his relationship with you.

But ultimately - you're only seeing the best bits, block and move on.

Justbreathing · 08/05/2019 17:55

I know it’s a trite thing to say, but that god you were strong enough to not be with them.
No one is happy being with a narcissist. Aside from perhaps another narcissist, and then their whole life is one narcissist battle.

And it’s not unusual to end up with a narc after a traumatic relationship, they thrive on vulnerability.

Honestly, you have one. Because you’re no longer being treated like shit by them

Original poster
TheOriginalNutty · 08/05/2019 17:59

Thanks raff 😁
It is sad how being single is viewed as such a bad thing. I used to absolutely hate it and felt like there was something wrong with me but that’s because that’s what I’d always heard from the media and most people I knew.

Madabout - yep they just get to do as they please and seem to think that it’s ok too.

OP posts:
alligatorsmile · 08/05/2019 18:03

Ah, but will a cream tea come and visit him in his nursing home? No, because he's a wankstain.

And as a PP says, you have no way of knowing that everything in their lives is perfect. Maybe they are experiencing ED and terrible haemorrhoids, they're unlikely to be posting that kind of shite on SM with #bestlife #arseitch #soft #makingmemoriesofasorebum

And horrible people are never happy, so there's that.

alligatorsmile · 08/05/2019 18:04

Also, I doubt a bunch of people would hasten to try to make either of THEM feel better if they were struggling with something.

Original poster
TheOriginalNutty · 08/05/2019 18:05

Hellodarkness - That is exactly what i think with Ex1.

I know by ex2's behavior and previous history that he isn't actually happy, he just wants me to think he is. If he was truly happy then he wouldn't feel the need to contact me every now and again to tell me that.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOriginalNutty · 08/05/2019 18:07

Lol aligator, that really made me lol, especially as ex2 did sometimes suffer with ED.

You are all so right, and I did already know all this, I just had a shit day and needed other people to shake me, so thank you Grin

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 08/05/2019 19:20

Nrcissistics never find happiness as they feel empty inside.

Flaunting new their new life is a common tactic and is used by them to gain negative emotion from you. Remember happy people don't act like this.
If the new women are empathic and "normal" then it won't last as no one can stay longterm with a narcisstic as it can literally make you unwell. If the new woman is also narcisstic then there will be constant power struggles. Narcisstics only get validation externally which is why they will portray an outwardly successful life but inside they are deeply troubled, never happy, always bored and often paranoid.

I wish I had never met Ex but accept that it was a lesson I needed to learn. I was naive and too trusting and didn't value my instincts. I think you can only judge "success" over a long timeframe and for me having authentic relationships is the real success.

Original poster
TheOriginalNutty · 08/05/2019 20:15

Narcisstics only get validation externally which is why they will portray an outwardly successful life but inside they are deeply troubled, never happy, always bored and often paranoid.

That is a perfect description of Ex2

OP posts:
Jamiefraserskilt · 08/05/2019 20:34

What you have achieved, you have done so under your own steam by hard work and focus. They have not. How long will ex 1 partner put up with his laziness whilst she works flat out? How long will ex2 money last? Nah, hold your head high girl!

Ineedamanipedi · 08/05/2019 20:38

Was just going to say the same as a previous poster - you don’t know whether they’re happy or not - if they’re both as shitty as you say I doubt their new wives are totally happy and content with them. Hopefully that will bite them on the bum someday - leopards don’t change their spots and all that.
You have your kids and when they’re older they’ll have you to thank for everything. Their dads are the sad bastards missing out.

headinhands · 08/05/2019 20:42

Everyone I know well enough to know this about them has struggles. Your personality is largely preset and we all have a general level of happiness that we return to after something very good or bad has happened. Also there isn't only so much happiness to go round. Your happiness doesn't depend on them being in despair. It's entirely separate to that and that's what you have to remind yourself.

Ineedamanipedi · 08/05/2019 20:47

I know you don’t believe in god and not sure I do but it says in the bible:
“Pray for those who persecute you” that may sound bonkers but if you can try, really try to let go of the negative feelings you have towards your enemies, or in this case your exes, even if you just fake it till you make it - I promise you will eventually feel so free and so much happier. It will be like letting go of a great weight from your chest.
Happiness is the best revenge you can dole out to enemies. Why do you think your ex contacts you to boast about his success? Maybe he’s not that happy and wants to check that you’re not either. So be happy. Let it go.

Reasonstobeearful · 08/05/2019 20:50

OP I hear you. There are many many hundreds of thousands of men across the country living as though they don't have kids. Your life will always be tied up with your children - you will always have to consider them in any decisions you make. Theirs aren't, because they have a penis. It's shit.

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