To think my 4 year old has low self esteem

[Lovetodream]

Posting here for traffic.DS turned 4 years old in March and will start Reception in September this year. He has always been lovely if somewhat challenging as children can be. He goes to nursery 3 days a week, he has been going to the same place since he was 15 months old and has made some nice friends. I’m currently on mat leave with DD who is 4 months old. His key worker mentioned they have observed off late that he has been extra sensitive, instances being:

• constantly saying he has no friends and no one wants to be friends with him , this happens when his friends choose to play a game he doesn’t necessarily like, he takes it as a personal rejection. He has said this a couple of times st home, they have assured me he is well liked and does mix around. He can take his time to get comfortable with new children and adults
• he gets upset with the smallest mistakes and called himself a failure for not being able to complete an activity at nursery once related to phonics
• at home, he refuses to try new things such as new book , new food, tv shows etc
• he refuses to climb slides in the playground saying they are scary
• almost everything is scary these days , he avoids playing when playgrounds are full

Of children

• he rarely plays by himself at home and constantly wants someone to play with him, I struggle to do so when DD demands a feed, she is going through a 4 months regression and has been extra demanding these days.
• at soft play last week , he had a melt down as his friend refused to play a game DS wanted. Friend’s mom commented DS is sensitive and that school should toughen him up, that upset me somewhat.

This breaks my heart as I feel responsible, I haven’t had much time with him since DD. DH makes sure to take him out and play with him on weekends and evenings. I try and read to him when I can although I admit I have been more snappy due to being tired and down with all that’s happening around me. I’ve been an anxious person myself and hate the idea of my little not going through the same self esteem issues I’ve had all my life. He is generally cheerful and kind , loves his sister and family, I feel I’ve caused this some how. How can I help him please? Nursery are being helpful and encouraging him at every step. Are there any websites or books that can help me with some exercises to improve his conceive?

Given the timings and the fact your DD is 4 months old it does sound like it's possibly something to do with her arrival?

It sounds like sibling rivalry to me.

My DS is almost exactly the same age and this sounds rather similar. He has always been very confident but as of late he has been saying things like 'no-one likes me' and 'you are better than me'. It baffles me as he is very loved and all around excellent! I'm a SAHM btw with only one child, so I wonder if it's a bit of developmental stage or trying things out rather than anything to do with you and him?

In terms of what I'm doing to combat it:

• praise the action, not the outcome. Can't recommend a book specifically but things like 'i saw you really being patient there' rather than 'that's the best painting i've ever seen'
• trying to notice more what is important to him and engage in him interests and likes
• making a list of things he has learnt and every time he has mastered it I add it to the list.

No advice unfortunately, but I’ve heard the 4’s been referred to as the “fearful fours”.

I have a 4 year old who has turned into a bit of a scaredy cat - all films are scary, trying a new tv programme is fraught incase its scary. Weekly if not daily comments of x,y,z don't want to be friends with me any more.

Think it is an age thing to some extent, has always been generally confident but cautious to begin with, the cautiousness has increased.

I try very hard to address the why but also jolly her along, not so much with the films not a big deal but going into classes, nursery etc. Hates change.

You might need to try and make some time for 1-1 with you, simple things like feed baby then go out with son alone whilst dad stays at home between feeds, even if its just a walk to the park without little one. I struggle more now with a 4/2 year old to make sure both get 1-1 time, more so the eldest as she is at school nursery on my days off but do try to make sure I do so.

I did breakfast with my eldest a few times at the weekend as it fitted with little ones routine as they had a early morning nap!

Yes, my grandson, almost 4 has developed this. He has started to say he is afraid of lots of things he has been doing since he was under 2, slides at the park, riding a bike etc. I just encourage where I can ( go on the slides with him!) and generally try to get him to overcome it without making a big deal of it.

He hates it when he can't do something first time - and gets cross or wont try (hitting a ball with a bat)

I wonder if it's as their brain develops they are more able to see possible consequences of their actions.

I'll be honest here, I read the first part of your post and instantly thought that you were projecting your own fears and experiences onto your child's then I read this

I’ve been an anxious person myself and hate the idea of my little not going through the same self esteem issues I’ve had all my life

I think you need to wait and see how things settle down with the new baby because it is most likely more about having to share mummy now than anything else.

I really wouldn't go down the whole "labelling" route at the moment. Give it time.

I seem to recall at this sort of age they start to become much more aware of the wider world and that it doesn't necessarily revolve around them. Throw in a brand new baby and presumably talk about how he will be starting big school soon it's hardly surprising he's acting different! Some kids get really excited about starting school, others tend to get a bit nervous and their behaviour changes.

Your son is trying to work out his place in the "new" (to him) world. He's now a big brother, so he has to share you. He's probably noticed he's not your priority every time now (nor should he be). He's seeing friends wanting to do something different or with someone else and it's just another example of "losing" what's familiar. He will be ok. He just needs to work out where his place is now in this world.

You probably also always played with him as an only child before. We found that our eldest really struggled to play alone ever as a result of always having to have one of us with him. Our middle son was more than happy to sit alone playing at 18 months old!

Things are changing, so he's going uk change too. It doesn't mean he's suffering with anxiety as such - but he might be a little anxious about some situations. That's normal. No-one goes through life never feeling at least some anxiety!

Don't let your own anxiety make you presume he's the same. Give him the chance to work things out for himself, but knowing you're there if he needs you. Try not talking about starting school and see if it makes a difference.

Obviously if nothing seems to help and he's getting worse, talk with the key workers to see what their take is. But I'm sure this will pass over as quickly as it started!