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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not to invite ex wife to my wedding?

50 replies

Goodgollymissjolly · 08/05/2019 10:08

We split up 3 yrs ago - not pleasant but a lot of water under the bridge. 2 wonderful DC who we share 50/50 all amicable etc.
I am re marrying later this year. Ex got all stroppy that I’m not inviting to wedding.
Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Original poster

Goodgollymissjolly · 08/05/2019 10:53

Children are coming but not dressing up. It’s a very small and simple wedding. Neither my future wife or I want anything grand.

OP posts:

FizzyGreenWater · 08/05/2019 10:57

That's nuts.

If that's the way her mind works, then be warned. She sees what you do as still her business - which it is as it involves the children, but there are clearly major boundaries which need to be drawn. 'As long as you don't disagree with her'? Eeek. No can work.

As regards the wedding, shut her out - this is the absolute best time to start drawing those boundaries because to be honest, whoever she were to complain to about it would tell her she was waaay out of order. So - don't discuss what the children will be wearing, their roles etc. with her. It ISN'T her business. Make sure they are with you the night before as she WILL make sure that she bustles her way in if she is at all involved through them such as having to drop them off or pick them up. Take complete responsibility for them, or suck up the fact that she'll poke her nose in. If they are wearing specific clothes make sure the dressing happens with you not her, etc.

She won't like it but it will be a good place to start on making it clear that many, many things in your life are now really not her business.

hsegfiugseskufh · 08/05/2019 10:57

she's batshit. Dp's ex most certainly will not be attending our wedding!

FizzyGreenWater · 08/05/2019 10:59

Oops x post.

Just don't discuss it with her, no justifications such as 'we only want it small' (subtext: if it were a big wedding of course you would be there!) - make sure kids are with you the night before so she has no reason to see you on the day.

CripsSandwiches · 08/05/2019 11:00

It's not unheard of and I know a few couples who did invite their ex's - especially when they have kids together but it's a very odd thing to expect to happen by default. Unless you all regularly socialise together it would be unusual to expect an invite.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 08/05/2019 11:00

YADNBU, Goodgollymissjolly. The fact that your Ex is creating is very weird.

Is there any chance she's been boasting to her friends about how friendly and civilized your split is - "we're so close still he's invited me to his wedding" kinda thing? Because that would explain her getting stroppy.

Original poster

Goodgollymissjolly · 08/05/2019 11:03

i will have to collect the DC the morning of the wedding but she’ll see me looking my normal tired and unmade up self... hair and makeup etc al being done later on when we get to the venue. I will be taking DC’s outfits etc.

OP posts:

JacquesHammer · 08/05/2019 11:03

Some people do, some people don’t - there isn’t a wrong answer.

However what’s important is YOU didn’t invite here therefore she’s being massively unreasonable to strop about it!

I was invited to my ex’s wedding but declined (nicely, because I didn’t think it was fair new wife would potentially spend her day hearing whispers!)

applesandpears33 · 08/05/2019 11:03

If the kids aren't dressing up then I'd just ignore her. No need for her to be there.

thegreylady · 08/05/2019 11:04

I was invited to my ex’s funeral by his current wife. I went with dh.

Original poster

Goodgollymissjolly · 08/05/2019 11:06

prawn
I can’t see her boasting anything about me 🤣
I just don’t get it... unless it’s a control thing why the hell would I want her there? There’s a reason we divorced.

OP posts:

Jaxhog · 08/05/2019 11:19

Unless you are all jolly good friends, why would you? Your soon-to-be-new-wife certainly won't want her there!

Definately a case of F.O.M.O.

wengie · 08/05/2019 11:19

If you don't invite her to yours then she won't invite you to hers. Keep that in mind.

Blobby10 · 08/05/2019 11:19

My ExH is marrying again later this year - we've only been split up 4 years!! Whilst I don't wish ill on him (or her) there is now way on this planet I would go to their wedding!! He and I were married for 20 years and, even though we split amicably and I have a lovely boyfriend of 2 years, I am a bit bitter that he has moved back to a married status quite so quickly - for what its worth, I will never marry again.

Original poster

Goodgollymissjolly · 08/05/2019 11:22

Wengie I don’t want to go to hers. Spelling mistake on my previous post!
Totally have no need or want!

OP posts:

SchadenfreudePersonified · 08/05/2019 11:29

She's being weird and controlling.

Don't back down and invite her - why the hell would she want to be there?

Be aware though, that here's no way you can really stop her from hanging about the registry office/ wherever, ebven if you can keep her out of the ceremony.

She's strange .

wheresmymojo · 08/05/2019 11:30

My Stepfather and his ex-wife are on good terms. My DM and his ex-wife really get on well together and meet for coffee, etc.

We've even all had Christmas together.

They still didn't go to each other's weddings.

So I think it is very unusual to do so. Your ex is being completely unreasonable.

GabsAlot · 08/05/2019 11:30

nah shes being weird seeing as its a small ceremony she sound slike shes just looking for attention

AlaskanOilBaron · 08/05/2019 11:36

I think it would be very nice for your kids if your ex were to be invited, but you're certainly under no obligation.

And yes I'm sure it's very unusual.

CurriedCarbs · 08/05/2019 11:41

If the kids aren't dressing up then I'd just ignore her.

Subtext: if they are dressing up she should be there?? Hell no! None of her business regardless of what they're wearing. There will be many, many times and events her kids will have without her, she'll have to get used to it.

Drum2018 · 08/05/2019 11:46

Weird carry on seeing as you are not all good friends, including your current partner. Stick to your guns, at least it sets a firm boundary.

babynumber2onboard · 08/05/2019 11:49

I agree... YANBU... my mum thinks I should invite my DS's Dad to my upcoming wedding, and I'm not really sure why anyone would think it's a good idea!

JemSynergy · 08/05/2019 11:51

No, I wouldn't invite an ex out of respect to my new partner!

Lweji · 08/05/2019 11:53

And, presumably, you'd also have to invite her current partner as a plus one?

Odd.

Even if it was a grand wedding with hundreds of guests, it would be awkward.

applesandpears33 · 08/05/2019 12:08

CurriedCarbs - I did say in one of my earlier posts that I thought it would be weird for the ex to be at the wedding. I just thought if the kids were getting dressed up then she might want to see that. My DD would love to be a flower girl and would want to show off a fancy dress to everyone. It wouldn't have to be on the day though and could be before or after the wedding (probably after if there were concerns the ex might do something to the dress).

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