Miserable and so lonely

[beingcalledanervouswreck]

Just hear me out.

I'm naturally quite a friendly person. I've never struggled to make friends, but at the same time I didn't have a great upbringing - my parents and mum in particular were very difficult and I was bullied for odd clothes and other quirks. I actually changed schools halfway through secondary for this reason. I've never really had a set of friends from schooldays.

When I started work I made a few friends, but I have found that the friendships wane with job changes (mine or theirs.)

Anyway, I am now in my late 30s without a single friend. I do have one friend from sixth form college who still texts but I barely see her. I also have a couple of friends who live abroad. That's IT.

I feel really down about it. I feel embarrassed and lacking somehow.

I also don't know how o turn it around.

Could you join an evening class? One where you have to speak to people? A friend of mine moved towns and joined a language evening class purely to find friends. As they all had to practise conversation with each other social contact was pretty easy.

Or Google to see if there are any walking groups or other groups for things you might be interested in. Maybe take up knitting and join a group?

It is harder to make friends when you are older. I moved to a completely different country in my last 20s. Worked in a v small office with older people but next to a livelier office.

I said yes to any work thing offered, training, pub nights, quiz nights....so started to build my confidence up by bring around people in a social setting.

I joined a climbing course and a tennis club. I got quite good at climbing and remain crap at tennis. But I goy a flat mate from one and a strong group of friends from the other.

I also tried badm8nton, a walking group, night classes...a local history group. I learned new stuff, made some acquaintances, and had fun.

It took a long time to make friends, and I don’t have huge numbers, but I have a support network and people to do stuff with. I didn’t click with everything or everyone....and sometimes had t9 give myself a talking t9 to get out of the door....

Also....my upbringing didn’t teach me about clothes or normal stuff. I had to see what other people wore to fit in and copy it....I don’t always ge5 it right!

Dear OP

Keep doing what you're doing and you'll keep getting what you're getting. In other words, you have to change your own circumstances for them to change.

There are a few things you can do to be more sociable and hopefully make friends in the process. It's sometimes difficult to break in to a 'clique', but so often the clique is imaginary and you'll be welcomed. At the very least you'll be busy and not feeling so lonely.

Take up an evening class. Art, writing, jewellery, pottery, cake decorating, history or whatever might interest you.

Join a club. Stitch and bitch, WI, knitting/yarn bomb group, cycling/running. Check out what's on in your area.

Join a choir or am dram group. They are a brilliant way to feel good and full of friendly faces. Some offer taster sessions/try before you buy.

Get a job in a bar/pub. Instant social life, whilst getting paid!

Volunteer. Helping others will boost your self-esteem and bring a different meaning to your life.

Your local council office, library, shop windows, local noticeboards, local newspapers, community centre noticeboards are all great resources for finding out what's on in your town or village. But you have to be proactive OP.

Good luck OP! Friendly best wishes to you x

If you can sing in tune (even quietly, and whether or not you read music) you should try and find a community choir to join. It’s great because the singing means you are not ‘chatting’ all the time, so it’s not too difficult to be ‘new’, it’s invigorating and also fun to learn new things that can pop into your head and cheer you up through the week and over time you gradually meet a few new people to do other things with. I’m 54 now and I’ve been singing for 20 years. I’ve probably made 80% of my regular friends through singing.

Friends vary though, as you go through life. I have one friend from primary school, one from secondary, two from my first job, two from my second job. Much as I like my current collegues its not that sort of 'keep a friend' environment. None of these people are the people I habitually socialise with though, they tend to be an extension of partners friendship group.

There is a meet up app, someone should know what it is,

The key to making friends is to do stuff outside work. Help out in thr local community, volunteer, go to groups of things that interest you.

I know gokart and since none of the things you mention are possible or practical for me I am resigned to a very lonely life. I reserve the right to be miserable about it though!

none of the things you mention are possible or practical for me I am resigned to a very lonely life. I reserve the right to be miserable about it though

Why are the suggestions impossible or impractical OP? Really? There is nothing you can do in your spare time at weekends or evenings?

OP, you asked how to turn your life around to stop being lonely and friendless. There is some great advice on here. But only you can do that by being proactive.

Friends aren't going to manifest themselves without a bit of effort from you x

I didn't say they were :)

I accept my life is lonely, cold and empty.

It would be nice if that not be the case online.

Many of the things you mention are not possible, or I have already tried them.

Sorry OP. I don't understand. You said you were embarrassed and lonely, you asked how to turn it around but then you've admitted that you're resigned to it. I'm not really sure what you expect from your post?

Maybe if you were not so dismissive and passive aggressive you would have more friends.

Hi OP, I am in the same position as you. I am 34 in two weeks and I can't say I have a single friend that I was close enough to spend time with. I'm also really friendly and outgoing but I moved 400 miles away from my hometown then split with my other half and I've found myself alone. I would be happy to make friends with you if you are near me!

I said "I don't know how to turn it around"

I certainly didn't intend to be passive aggressive or dismissive. 100% not my intention.

Tbh I am really struggling at the moment. I suppose I was just wanting to talk.

Ouch Alice! I see your point though...

So you are saying that you have tried every activity listed and found them impossible to enjoy or keep up?

I have known loneliness and being alone and nothing exacerbates that like telling yourself that everyone in the world has what you don't / there are no solutions for it.

I have a friend like you, and she has repeatedly ignored any effort to get her to try volunteering, activities - anything to break the cycle. She now posts on social media about being suicidal and has said to me that she wants people to feel guilty enough to spend time with her

I have been majorly depressed OP, and what has changed my life is being solutions focused. I'm having a bit of a down spiral right now but I know that this will improve, and I have done things recently like volunteered at a soup kitchen, met new people and gone to yoga class.

There is a wealth of ways to use your spare time that aren't just being home alone with the telly. Friends are not going to crawl out of the woodwork - you need to add value to their lives as well as take their company as something to nourish yourself with

Who knows, maybe it is me.

Meetup

There must be something on there for you?

OP have you posted (a lot) about this before?

Have you name changed? Your posting style is familiar - there is one lady who comes on here to complain about her life and always completely dismisses other posters constructive and helpful advice.

Was wondering that too, Blind

You're not alone, as you get older people group as couples and few find time to socialise with their female friends. Perhaps accept that's just the case and try going out alone to the cinema, coffee shops enjoying your own company. Go to work get together and download 'meetups' as there are social groups who meet just to get out and hopefully make friends in doing so. I'm the same, my friends don't have time to meet so I only go out with my boyfriend atm.

Well OP if you're not prepared to make any changes, join groups, volunteer, go to night classes etc then you are going to spend the rest of your life lonely and miserable.

Is that what you wanted to hear?

Can you explain why they are not possible op?

I don't understand why you're resigned to being miserable and lonely. So clearly there is a reason things being suggested are not practical or possible for you. But it's hard for people to comment unless you explain those reasons.

Why are these things not possible for you?
Is it depression and anxiety?
Are you on meds at all?
Get to your GP and ask about CBT.
I joined an Am Dram group and have made loads of friends there.
Have a look on meetup.com and see if there is anything local to you that you fancy.
Have you looked at on-line dating?