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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think that starting a new relationship when you’re divorced with kids is practically impossible

17 replies

JonSnowIsALoser · 07/05/2019 20:08

I see and hear of divorced women in their 30s and 40s, who are primary carers for their young kids, and many of whom are working, being in new and happy relationships.

Having recently found myself in a similar situation - minus the relationship - my mind boggles when I think how starting a new relationship is even possible. How does a woman find a man at this stage in her life, who is OK with sharing his life with her children? And how the heck does she find the time and energy to maintain a relationship? When do you go out together for example?

I am actually really happy by myself with the children, and I’m really relishing the independence and calm and peace that the divorce has brought. To think that I might introduce someone else into our lives seems really wrong and unrealistic at the moment.

But as time goes on, the way I feel about it may change - but I don’t see how I could practically end up with someone. AIBU? Tell me your stories.

OP posts:

Iamnotagoddess · 07/05/2019 20:11

Met DH on POF

Saw him when the kids weren’t around, to start with.

ScreamScreamIceCream · 07/05/2019 20:13

OLD

Make sure your ex steps up and does at least his eow and half school holidays.

RaptorWhiskers · 07/05/2019 20:16

It’s easier than having a relationship when you’re married! When you’re divorced you can go out with other people and the other parent can have the child. But when you’re still married you can never go out together. DH and I joke that we should separate because at least we’d both have EOW off.

NeverTwerkNaked · 07/05/2019 20:18

Are you judging them or just genuinely unsure how it would work??

For me - met him online, our couple time is when the children are with their dad and I am not at work. Yes we don't get to go out every night but we are both adults with lots of responsibilities. The children adore him and we are getting married in a couple of months (6 years after I split from their dad)

MonaChopsis · 07/05/2019 20:18

I have been single for 5 years for this reason. No family local, and DD has had sporadic contact with her Dad so at best I get one evening a fortnight. There have been months and months of no contact, so DD with me 24/7. I've gone on a couple of dates but can't invest enough time to build a relationship.

Fishcakey · 07/05/2019 20:23

Met DH walking the dog. DS was four. It can happen.

MyGastIsFlabbered · 07/05/2019 20:26

I met DP on Tinder. His daughter lives with him, my boys live with me. It's still early days but we make it work.

Sexnotgender · 07/05/2019 20:27

OLD.

Original poster

JonSnowIsALoser · 07/05/2019 20:53

NeverTwerk - I’m not judging, more like asking for advice based on people’s personal experience. Congratulations to you!

Raptor - good point.

Mona - exactly.

Scream, it’s not so easy. Problem is he hardly ever takes all the kids. We have three, he lives with his girlfriend who was the OW and who was the reason for divorce. My eldest, teenage DD doesn’t want to gave anything to do with the OW and to stay at their house. Can’t say I blame my DD. So I almost always have at least one child around.

Everyone else - it seems online dating is what does the trick.

Give me more stories please!

OP posts:

Original poster

JonSnowIsALoser · 07/05/2019 20:54

“have” not “gave”. When will MN introduce an edit button?

OP posts:

Original poster

JonSnowIsALoser · 07/05/2019 20:55

Do your new partners also tend to be single parents?

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 07/05/2019 20:59

Much harder for people with shit exes who don’t parent their DC much, or at all, and/or don’t pay maintenance. Especially if no local extended family help. I know a couple of women in this situation and dating was costly and difficult, both introduced new bfs to DC relatively soon because the practicalities and cost were tricky.

Dogsandbabies · 07/05/2019 21:00

I had a great babysitter! Similar situation with very sporadic contact between DD and her dad.

Met my partner at a work meeting five years ago. Went on dates once a week and used a babysitter she loved to look after her. He moved in after 2 years of dating and is an amazing stepdad and now dad to our second.

Pieceofpurplesky · 07/05/2019 21:03

Impossible for me OP as ex never has DS as he and his girlfriend only have room for her kids ...

BadLad · 07/05/2019 23:24

“have” not “gave”. When will MN introduce an edit button?

Probably never or half the OPs will vanish as people aren't told what they wanted to hear.

Pppppppp1234 · 08/05/2019 00:05

How old is your eldest DC OP?
My Hubbie was separated when I met him but him and his ex wife did 50/50 of their son which meant both could go out and meet other people / start hobbies clubs etc.
I met my DH at work... his ex wife met various partners through speed dating and OLD, the most recent she lives with now was through a hobby club she joined, I think a walking club.

I’d try and take sometime just for you during the week, whether this is gym, a running club, walking club so the kids get used to you not always being there. (This is the assumption that they are old enough to be left all three together in the house.....) and use that as a starting point OP

Pippioddstocking · 08/05/2019 00:27

It's difficult but is possible .

I met DP through a sporting hobby. He is a single parent to one and I have 2. We try to meet up on childfree nights or EOW if possible .
It is tricky to find time for hobbies, friends , work , partner in the small amount of time you have left after children but it can be done (just)

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