Help my 6yr old is breaking me

[Tillymint7]

Hi
I'm new to mums net and need some advice. I have two girls, 6 and 3. My 6yr old has struggled with expressing her emotions for some time and it results in her totally losing control and having massive tantrums.

When she was 3 my father died, she was extremely close to him but didn't show much emotion. She also started nursery and I had her sister. A lot of huge life events in a very short space of time. She began to demonstrate very bad behaviour. Extreme tantrums and would completely lose control.
We tried lots of different things, talking, star chart, exercise, diet changes, worry bears. Eventually her behaviour calmed down. But since then she still has these massive tantrums. I have had concerns about adhd, autism etc. She is very intelligent but struggles with emotion.

In January my husband began working away during the week and since then the behaviour has gotten much worse. She doesn't listen, she cries at everything, she hurts her sister, she loses control and has huge tantrums and hits out. I've tried all sorts but it's just getting worse and I'm beginning to dread her tantrums.

She is well behaved in school, she does dance and swimming classes and behaves well there too so I know she can control it when she wants to. My 3yr old has never shown this kind of behaviour and seems to manage her emotions much better.

I honestly don't know whether I'm missing something or if this is normal? Is it worth a trip to the doctors?

Please help 😢

Have you ever explored your concerns about autism?

I haven't because I worry about it then think she's good in school and clubs and she must be able to control it. She has no issues socially and is able to make friends and play well... I just get concerned about the emotional aspect.

Can you work out what it is about the school and clubs which might be helping her? For example does she respond well to the strict routine and rules? Or is it being around other children? Or is it that she needs an activity to occupy her mind (could she be very bright and be getting bored at home?)? Or is that she is not around her sibling (sibling rivalry/jealousy)? I’d talk to your GP about support for her behaviour and, if shes interested in doing more clubs, I’d consider letting her do more. It gives you both a break from the temper tantrums while you work through this phase. Also keep a diary of temper tantrums and what you were doing before/ anything that may be upsetting her in general. Look out for patterns. Also look into connection parenting (particularly special time and playlistening) google ‘Hand in Hand Parenting’ for more info on that. Good luck and don’t give up. You will find something that works

She is well behaved in school, she does dance and swimming classes and behaves well there too so I know she can control it when she wants to.

The fact that she holds it in at school doesn't necessarily mean she can continue to control it at home. It's fairly classic for children with ASD (and some NT kids) to appear to be fine at school and lose the plot in the safe environment at home.

Just to be clear that doesn't necessarily mean she does have ASD but it's certainly worth investigating if you have concerns.

My 6 yo is a bit like this (we have not had the extra stressors you have, but a 3 week trip abroad out of her normal routine last summer was a bit of a trial, to say the least). A book I have found very sensible and helpful is '10 days to a less defiant child'.

Hi, my sympathy as we had a similar time with ds1. He was diagnosed with autism, and of course, your daughter may not be autistic, but worth exploring? In the meantime, I'd say that, if you can, read Phillipa Perry's new parenting book. It is really helpful, gentle on both parents and kids! Just be there for her, take a break if you can, from time to time, and know you aren't alone!
Best wishes x

Oh, also, yeah, my boy mainly kept it together in class then would come home and lie on the floor screaming and or crying.

Thanks everyone. Just talking about it has lifted a weight. I just hate the thought that she's struggling internally and I'm putting it down to a phase or that it's just a phase and I've diagnosed her with all sorts xx

I'd work on her expressing her emotions. Look at asd resources as their some fantastic ones around.

1,2,3 magic technique works well with mine. But sometimes everything fails and I end up.sticking them in a room and walking away

OP, did you name change immediately after posting?

Check out John Gottman's "Emotion coaching for kids", you can read about it or buy the program online. It is remarkably effective for something fairly straightforward and it sounds like it would really help you and your daughter build new patterns of communication. Also, are there any parenting courses in your area? I am in Australia and would recommend things like 1-2-3 Magic or Tuning into kids but don't know if they are worldwide. Good luck x

I'm not saying that asd won't be a factor but what your op screamed to me was that she's lost her grandfather a man she was close to and now your dh is working away and you've noted yourself that was a trigger, she may fear losing dh permanently.

Very young children can't and don't differentiate between Death and other absences.

Have you tried to find bereavement counselling for her? It could maybe help and doesn't negate also considering other factors like possible asd.

They're not mutually exclusive.