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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

That he can get sick but I can't?

23 replies

Libbylove2015 · 07/05/2019 09:37

Please help me out here or deal me some tough love. I really don't know which it is I am in need of in this situation.

Over the weekend, DH DS(2) and I have been struck down with a nasty chesty cough bug. We have all felt really crappy, the baby hasn't slept particularly well. I am 24 weeks pregnant and although I thankfully don't have any complications, I am finding it much tougher this time around physically, possibly because of the toddler to run around after.

My beef occurs in the context of a conversation DH and I had a while ago where as relatively new parents we were mulling over what happens when I get ill - as in, he has work, if I was physically incapacitated, who would look after the baby? His reply was 'I guess you just can't get ill really'.

He later took back these words, but not long after I was ill with something really nasty and although I begged him with tears in my eyes to take a sick day or day off to help, he wouldn't and it was a really, really hard day.

Aaanyway, this time around we were both ill. On Saturday morning we all got up together, I made the toddler breakfast and then asked whether I could go back to bed. He said yes, I went back to bed for about two hours and then we swapped.

On Sunday we all got up together, managed to drag ourselves out of the house for an hour or two as the toddler was housebound and spent the afternoon together at home taking it easy.

Yesterday, we had an event in the morning, came home and then DH said I 'didn't realize how bad he was feeling'. I let him go up to bed for the afternoon and took the baby to my parents so at least I could sit quietly while they played with him.

But this morning, he has called in sick from work and expects me to get up with the baby and look after him all day while he lazes in bed - because he is on a 'sick' day.

What is peeving me is...WHERE IS MY SICK DAY!? Where do I have to call in to get a day in bed when I really feel like I need a rest after looking after a 2 year old when I am sick?

I am trying make myself feel better (and avoid a long row) by telling myself women just get on with it because we are awesome and ultimately stronger than men (after voicing my feelings, which I certainly have this morning).

I am digging deep to try and find some compassion, maybe he really is sicker than me and it isn't a good idea to 'audit' someone's sickness down to the last hour in bed (even if said audit does reveal a gross inequity!).

But it's not working. I just feel pissed off and like it is one rule for him and one for me.

AIBU?

OP posts:

LannieDuck · 07/05/2019 09:44

Totally agree. If you need a sick day, he'll have to take a day off work. But it sounds like an argument you need to revisit when you're both feeling a bit better.

If you're both at home today, and you're both still ill, treat it like an extension of the weekend - alternate having time in bed.

LannieDuck · 07/05/2019 09:47

(Alternatively, the mischievous part of me thinks you should say to him "Apparently it's ok to expect someone to look after a baby when they're ill. So you're looking after DS today, and I'm off out."

...I'm not really suggesting you say that. But it would be tempting!)

Hollowvictory · 07/05/2019 09:49

I wou not have had 1 child with this idiot, let alone 2.
When you're both better you need to resolve this for future illnesses and also discuss what will happen if you're both working and kids are off school ill.
At least your parents are nearby.

HomeMadeMadness · 07/05/2019 09:57

YANBU you're all sick so it's a joint responsibility. When I was at home with toddlers as long as I was physically capable of looking after the kids I wouldn't expect DH to take a day off (we'd just camp out in the front room with CBeebies).

thelastgoldeneagle · 07/05/2019 10:06

YANBU. Tell him you will treat him when he's ill just as he treated you.

No sympathy, no time off, no nothing. See how he likes it. Selfish twat.

Nousernameforme · 07/05/2019 10:21

Tbh he won't change you won't get a day off if you are sick unless genuinely at deaths door and it is unfair and shit and you will resent him.

However if you were a single parent you would just have to get on with it so i suggest you do just that. He can stay in bed all he likes whilst you get on with your day as best you can. But do not look after him no tea or food sent up he sorts himself out. If he wants to lounge on sofa but that's where ds toys are then he will just have to deal with ds clambering all over him won't he

maddening · 07/05/2019 10:40

Go downstairs and ring his mobile and call in sick

Teddybear45 · 07/05/2019 10:42

Honestly he doesn’t care about you or the kids. Why are you with him?

gamerchick · 07/05/2019 10:42

Have you asked him?

Ask him how he would feel right now if you left the bairn with him for the day and buggered off out and then tell him you'll be wanting another chat about what happens if you're ill in future.

Don't have any more babies with this selfish arse.

Damntheman · 07/05/2019 10:42

Yeah no, he's being a dick. You guys need to alternate today like you did at the weekend. And if you get sick when he is not sick, he needs to take the day off work to look after the baby while you work. That's just how it works!

Londonmummy66 · 07/05/2019 10:46

Can you find an errand that needs running out of the house - trip to the shops - chemist to get some lemsip. Then tell him that you are going to leave the toddler with him while you do it. When he complains tell him you have to look after the LO all day when you are sick so you can't see what his problem is having him for an hour or so. Make sure you have a cup of coffee while you're out.......

MumW · 07/05/2019 11:00

Go downstairs and ring his mobile and call in sick

After a particularly bad morning/school run, following on from several weeks of bad mornings with no understanding from DH who could just forget about the tantrums etc between the hours of 8am-6pm, I emailed him a (very formal) resignation letter. I knew it had come to crunch time when I left the school gates at 9am and thought "God, I could do with a glass of wine".

If nothing else, it opened the discussion. Not saying it solved everything but was a bit of a wake up call for DH.

mrsm43s · 07/05/2019 11:04

Honestly, I wouldn't expect my husband to take a day off work for my sickness, unless it was something out of the ordinary, such as needing to have/recover from an operation etc. Cough, colds, sickness bugs etc I think that we (regardless of gender) should be able to continue to parent through. I don't think either parent gets to stop parenting because they feel under the weather. That said, I think a "sick day" as a SAHP would probably be one where you opt out of groups/playdates etc, and have a pyjama day and allow toddler to watch a good lot of TV, do no housework, and eat from the freezer. Yes, you would still have to parent, but you can do the easiest day possible and cut yourself some slack.

I think if he has a sick day off work, and you are both sick, then you should share the parenting and take it in turns to have a rest.

If he is sick off work, and you are well, then I'd imagine you'd just carry on your day as normal.

The thing is, its a lower bar for not going to work out of the house because of sickness than not being able to parent, and you do have the flexibility to do the bare minimum if you're not feeling on top form. In most jobs, partners just wouldn't be able to take time off to cover their partner's everyday sickness without ending up getting sacked.

Eliza9919 · 07/05/2019 11:06

I'd have collected snacks & takeaway menus, drinks and films and took us all to bed for the weekend. Then you all get to rest and can both occupy the toddler while resting.

After resting on Saturday you all might have been better by Sunday. If not, whats wrong with another duvet day?

RaptorWhiskers · 07/05/2019 11:16

Had the same argument with my DH. I’ve been sick over the weekend and he still went to football because “I can’t let the rest of the team down and you said I could be on the team”. Meanwhile I’m lying in bed with the curtains drawn while DS potters around the floor and I’m crying because I’m too ill to cope with him. Yes I said DH could play football but I meant on (most) days where I’m able to provide childcare. Not when I’m laid out with illness.

The next day he tidied the garden because it needed doing, apparently this doesn’t count as a day off for him so it’s fair that I’m also not having a day off even though I’m still ill.

DogHairEverywhere · 07/05/2019 11:38

My dh was the same, i remember begging him to stay home once when my dc were little - he didn't. Then, when he's ill, he retires to bed and opts out of everything. No answers, but it breeds resentment.
I'd be tempted to do what a pp poster suggested and leave the dc with him and go out by yourself for a while. After all what is sauce for the goose etc.

Shoxfordian · 07/05/2019 11:42

He's not acting like you're a team. Doesn't he realise parenting everyday is as much his responsibility as yours?! Why are you having another child with him when he isn't interested in parenting the first one?

GreytExpectations · 07/05/2019 11:53

Urgh all these "Why did you have a child with this man" or "Why are you with him" are so unhelpful and a bit OTT. They have an issue. He is being a selfish dick and she needs to confront him on that behaviour and tell him it is unfair and then they work together to find a way that works for them both.
Do some of your posters seriously intend to just leave a man as soon as there is any problem before even attempting to resolve it?

fecketyfeck21 · 07/05/2019 12:15

a lot of people show their true colours long before dc arrive on the scene, so it is correct to ask why have another baby with this person.
this seems to be a bit tit for tat, what exactly do you mean be sick ? d and v, heavy colds ?
sorry, but you really need to sort this out when you are both well, so this doesn't happen again.

bonzo77 · 07/05/2019 12:26

He needs a massive kick up the arse. DH has only taken 2 days off work sick in the 11 years I’ve known him. Once with severe d and v. Once after his vasectomy. I have also battled through both at work and at home. The only time he took time off work to look after the kids due to me being ill was when I was hospitalised with sepsis. I would never expect him miss work to look after the kids if I had an illness that I could manage with the right medication. Prior to me being admitted to hospital I had actually been very unwell for nearly a week and had managed with paracetamol and ibuprofen, resting a lot. And I’d seen the gp and had antibiotics. At no point did I consider asking for help.

managedmis · 07/05/2019 12:30

You have your sick day at the weekend when he's feeling better.

Simples.

TheSerenDipitY · 07/05/2019 13:09

go hand him the kid and tell him hes a parent now so hes not allowed to be sick, and tell him you are off out... if he moans tell him to suck it up buttercup and fuck off out for the day

Clutterbugsmum · 07/05/2019 13:34

I would do the bare minimum to get you and and you dc through the day. You DH is an adult and can look after himself, and if he complains tell him that HIS MOTHER lives elsewhere and if he needs looking after by mummy then he can pack himself a bag and go. Remind you and DS are also ill but getting on with the day so he can put up or shut up and leave it there.

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