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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To consider another baby

50 replies

NCforThisO1 · 06/05/2019 15:08

My partner isn't keen on the idea right now but would likely consider it in a year or two.

We have children already and one is still a baby but I cannot get a 4th child out of my head it consumes most of my waking thoughts.

Especially as I'm having a hard time with contraception. Due to having c sections before this would be the absolute last one, so no matter how strong the urge it wouldn't be medically safe and I would seriously consider sterilisation.

But I have not long gone back to work, I was doing 48hr shifts but I can't handle that and so cut it right back to 25. My partner works 38hr shifts but his contract is due to end in October. And we have so many dreams of taking the children abroad and seeing many places etc. I feel torn even though its not really a decision I need to be making right now!!

We are already in a 3 bed house so no matter the gender/sex of the baby they'd end up sharing. Neither of us drive so bigger car not needed.

Do I just need to give my head wobble?!! What is wrong with me!!

OP posts:

SoyDora · 06/05/2019 16:27

My oldest is 5... we have ballet, gymnastics, rainbows and swimming kit! Ballet, gymnastics and swimming for nearly 3 year old. School uniform changed daily for 5 year old (she’s messy), and change of clothes daily for 3 year old and baby. Plus muslins etc and mine and DH’s stuff. Sometimes feels like a laundrette!
I would love to know your secret if you can be bored with three under six .

ahtellthee · 06/05/2019 17:55

I have four DC (had them within 6 years) and all were c-sections. I was sterilized during the last one.

Our family is complete. I am genuinely so happy. We are very financially stretched (I am SAHM) and we do live in a 3 bedroomed ground floor apartment (but with massive garden). We manage well, the kids aren't spoilt, well turned out. We go camping several times a year. They do swimming as an activity (no choice, they have to BUT they all love it), and the rest of the time we hang out as a family. When they are older, in 3 or 4 years, I will go back to work.

And sterilization was liberating! So good for our sex life.

Like I said, I am so happy...

youwillgo · 06/05/2019 17:56

Do you want another baby, or do you want another child?

I was discussing this very thing the other day with a friend. She badly misses the tiny baby stage now that her kids are in school/nursery, but definitely won't have another because she doesn't actually want another child, she's only broody for the pregnancy/newborn aspect of it.

Ihatehashtags · 07/05/2019 08:16

Absolutely not. Why do you need a fourth child?

Ihatehashtags · 07/05/2019 08:19

A vasectomy is a great form of contraception. How do you feel about that???

formerbabe · 07/05/2019 09:13

definitely won't have another because she doesn't actually want another child, she's only broody for the pregnancy/newborn aspect of it

I think like this. I absolutely love the newborn stage...it's amazing. Sadly, I know it goes so quickly and then it's all packed lunches, soft play, homework, tantrums etc!

SoyDora · 07/05/2019 09:17

I’m the opposite... had a third because I wanted another child, not another baby. Not a fan of the baby stage but love it when they can talk!

SoyDora · 07/05/2019 09:17

Having said that, DC3 is a dream baby and I’m enjoying the baby phase much more this time round.

Amicompletelyinsane · 07/05/2019 09:21

I had an accidental third. I really wanted a third but my sensible head said no. But it happened by accident and actually after him the broody feeling went away. I was worried I'd always want more. Maybe it's cause I know 3 was the absolute max number of kids I could have so once he was here I was fine. I think I will always have the moment of brood8ness seeing babies tho

lilybetsy · 07/05/2019 10:50

I understand your urge I really do, but please consider how you would cope if your fourth had a disability - you can't guarantee a healthy, neurotypical child.

HBStowe · 07/05/2019 10:57

In your shoes I would give it 18 months - see if your partner has a job, see if you still have the desire. It’s such a big decision to make, and neither of you sound certain about it.

HBStowe · 07/05/2019 10:59

Also... don’t want to be a bore, but it’s worth considering the environmental impact of a 4th child given that we are on the absolute brink of abject environmental calamity. It’s hard to justify a 4th when we know civil war is likely in our lifetimes due to climate change.

Whoops75 · 07/05/2019 10:59

Your family is very young and cost very little.
Three teens is a different story!!

Is there anything you would like to do for yourself rather than sit at home watching daytime TV? Any unfulfilled ambition?

Stovetop · 07/05/2019 11:12

How about a cute pet?

ConfCall · 07/05/2019 11:12

Your husband’s job situation, the house size, the lack of a car.. you are obviously a great mum, resourceful, positive, and one of life’s “get on with it” types, but I think a fourth child might be a bad idea.

Original poster

NCforThisO1 · 07/05/2019 11:20

My DP would love to get the snip but having spoken to three drs they wont refer him any further as he is "too young"
He has even tried to explain that I have c sections so they get riskier etc but nope they don't care.
We can't afford to go private right now but I think he is also unsure of it because deep down (in a few years) he would consider a 4th.

Why do I need a 4th? Well I didn't need a 3rd or 2nd.. it's the same reason all round, I just love having children. I grew up on my own, with no friends, even now I'm in my 20s I still have nobody. My parents aren't in any shape to help me and I just don't want that for my children. I would like them to have people to rely on.
Its selfish yeah but I've always dreamed of a big family (before finding out I'd need c sections!!)
Like I said before if I have another and then still have a huge urge it won't matter as such because I know I can't (plus I'm hopeful of being sterilized along side it)

Genuinely not bothered by a car! We manage fine now, again may be different when they are teens but hopefully by then we are in full time work and have licenses! Nursery runs and shopping, seeing family, getting to cinema or soft play we just walk. Not ideal in winter but it doesn't bother us

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arethereanyleftatall · 07/05/2019 11:34

There was a thread the other day, regarding the nightmare of getting the kids to the activities they wanted to do (all ages 6+) with no car.
You sound lovely and capable, but in your situation, a fourth child isn't fair. It isn't fair on your other children, it isn't fair on the government/tax payers to have to pay for them (with no job for your dh that is the current situation), it isn't fair on the environment.
I would prioritise your dh getting a job first, and then learning to drive (you'll need it when the dc are older).

Prequelle · 07/05/2019 11:37

You love having children, that's great- you have 3. Focus on them and give them the best childhood they can have

Original poster

NCforThisO1 · 07/05/2019 17:17

Only not interested in driving atm as we have no money! I'm sure that will change as we both find the time to get full time work (when the younger two actually go to nursery)
So we do plan on being able to drive (I envision 2-3years) but right now there's no point trying to stretch our finances thin when we aren't bothered by it.

I so desperately want to enjoy them and give them a childhood I never had (not many toys, never any holidays)
They've (the older 2) have already been on 2 holidays and we are going to Ireland later this year so it's nice to be able to take everyone away!! Which I'm sure would still be doable with a 4th, may just take a bit more saving.

But then why do I keep searching for more? I don't feel fulfilled. A 4th baby/child could be born with something wrong, might have colic or reflux and never sleep but none of those things enter my head as reasons not to.. I just think charge on!! Do it!! (I obviously wouldn't, I'm on the Injection and from what I hear it's very hard to get pregnant on it, so this does worry me a wee bit cos in my head I think it's either get pregnant before the end of the year or not at all)

Seems pointless to wait a few years until everybody is sleeping great, nobody needs their bum wiped, kids can feed themselves and then F that peace up by having another!!

OP posts:

Whoops75 · 07/05/2019 17:22

I'm sure that will change as we both find the time to get full time work (when the younger two actually go to nursery)

But if you have another this will be years away. You do sound lovely but not very sensible.

succulentleaf · 07/05/2019 17:23

You do not need four children. Think of the environment fgs

BirthdayKake · 07/05/2019 17:24

Hey. I haven't read all of the responses but here is mine.

The "wanting more more more" sounds just like I used to be (with three young children, not much money, a too small house and a too small car). I think it was a deep unhappiness that made me feel like that.

I did have number 4 - she was an accident. My husband walked out on us all after that BUT then I met someone awesome, who showed me there were other things in life that he could provide... In just 2.5 years we've been on holiday twice, been to Paris, Leeds festival, Blackpool, London, York... As well as alsorts of other things in between. This never happened with my ex. And in that time, for the first time ever, I stopped wanting babies so much and took my pill religiously!! We planned to have one after we got married and I'm now 30 weeks pregnant.

Is there anything lacking in your life... Anything else that would fulfil you?

Geminijes · 07/05/2019 17:28

How would you be able to afford a 4th child if your husband doesn't find another job when his contract ends?
Concentrate on the three children you have and give them the best of everything you possibly can.
Don't 'dilute' what you can afford for the three children you already have by having another child.

SoHotADragonRetired · 07/05/2019 17:28

Honestly, I don't think you can trust broody feelings in the year or so after you have a baby. I think they have a large hormonal element + wanting to "correct" the previous experience by doing it right next time + the fact it's simply hard to contemplate the idea of being done, to accept the fact you'll never be pregnant/give birth/have a tiny baby again.

I had those feelings for a year after my second, but now we're into year 2 I'm sobering up and they are really passing. I have accepted there will always be sadness in saying "I'm done, that part of my life is over" and I need to devote my resources to the children I already have.

I don't think a 4th for the reasons you have given is the right thing.

Original poster

NCforThisO1 · 07/05/2019 17:47

When I talk of having a 4th, I don't mean getting pregnant next week. I'm not trying to justify it but in my head I'd like to be pregnant by the end of the year, even if that means just newly weeks pregnant.

But I know, I know you're all right!! I need to get a grip and help my other half into permanent employment! I am so proud of him alone just for getting the job he currently has. But something permanent would take away any worries(knowing it's not about to end I mean)

For me there's no feelings of 'needing to get it right next time' I've had c sections which have all been the same, definitely nothing I'd want to change! But even now looking at them all, I cant help but think I'd love another child sitting there with you all!!

I'm gonna stick with my contraception and not do anything rash! I honestly do want to enjoy the children, I've had them close together in a short time. I just need to get the constant thoughts out my head

Thank you all

OP posts:

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