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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Marriage

24 replies

Sherbet1924 · 06/05/2019 11:18

My partner and I have been together for 6 years, we have our beautiful children at the beggining of our relationship he would let me have his phone passwords, Facebook, ext, not that I needed to check just we agreed to an open honest relationship with no lies which is what I stated I wanted from the start, it's not something I just demanded years into the relationship, anyway he now has passwords on his phone and Facebook, he has taken me off his Facebook pictures and refuses to have picture of me on there, and when we talk about marriage he now says 'one day' with no reassurance and I feel as though I'm wasting my life waiting around for 'one day which may never happen, I was honest with him from the start about what I wanted from a relationship and he has gone back on it all, I'm.the mother of his children and I want to feel secure, by setting passwords on his phone and keeping me off his Facebook he isn't exactly doing that, we do have a good relationship a good sex life ect, but the insecurity issues and marriage keeps popping up and causing issues, if the relationship isn't progressing and marriage isn't the goal we originally planned then should I leave him? I feel.as though he is putting me on hold as there is someone he doesn't want to upset..

OP posts:

Damntheman · 06/05/2019 11:40

Wow.. Well for starters, having a password/code on one's phone and one's fb/email is very normal. You do not need your partner's passwords, having them wouldn't be having an open and honest relationship, it would be a massive breach of trust and probably in fact be the ending point for me.

With that said, removing you from his fb entirely is a little odd. What does he say when you ask him about it?

Have you tried proposing to him?

Shoxfordian · 06/05/2019 11:43

Its normal though to know how to unlock your partner's phone, I know how to unlock my dh phone but I wouldn't look at anything without his permission.

It sounds like he doesn't especially want to marry you

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 06/05/2019 11:44

Huge red flag to want the passwords to accounts and phones etc, he is entitled to privacy.

If marriage was a deal breaker you should have done it or walked away before having children. To do so now for your own wants will impact on them as they have no choice. Children are a far bigger commitment than marriage.

PurpleDaisies · 06/05/2019 11:47

Huge red flag to want the passwords to accounts and phones etc, he is entitled to privacy.

For me, the red flag would be previously having open settings and then suddenly adding passwords.

AlexaShutUp · 06/05/2019 11:50

I know the passcode to DH's phone and to his ipad, mainly because he has occasionally asked me to use them for something. I never look at his stuff otherwise.

I don't think he knows mine dd does, but wouldn't have a problem if he did - I have nothing to hide! However, if he was insisting that it was important for him to know stuff like that, I don't know - I think I'd find that a bit controlling and an invasion of my privacy.

In a truly open and honest relationship, you trust each other. That means that you can respect each other's privacy without feeling threatened in any way.

Alsohuman · 06/05/2019 11:50

We’ve been married 19 years and both know each others’ passwords for everything, neither of us regard that as “a massive breach of trust”. Knowing them doesn’t mean we have to use them. I wouldn’t countenance a relationship with someone who airbrushed me from their FB account, that would tell me all I needed to know.

IsYourGoogleBroken · 06/05/2019 11:51

You sound controlling Op, and dare I imply 'needy' ? If you have trust you wouldn't want or need these things. The fact that you do implies you have no trust, and if there is no trust then there is no relationship. It has already broken down.

So having ascertained the relationship has broken down, you need to discuss with him how you will be exiting the relationship

MumOfOne92 · 06/05/2019 11:52

Are you a SAHP amd financially reliant on him?

BogglesGoggles · 06/05/2019 11:53

Honestly, you had children with him before marriage. What did you really expect to happen? You are not entitled to go through his various modes of contact because you are insecure. But at the same time it’s weird that he’s withdrawn this from you. It may be possible that he is doing something untoward, or the he just resents you checking or that he decided it was abusive. Honestly, it doesn’t sound promising at all. The passwords aren’t the problem per se but rather a symptom of something else. Have you had a general conversation about whether he is happy or not?

Damntheman · 06/05/2019 11:53

I phrased myself clumsily. Other people might be okay with sharing passwords and that's ok. I dont share passwords but I am not everyone else. However, demanding someone else's password is a huge breach of trust.

Snowfalling · 06/05/2019 11:57

It's concerning that he has removed all traces of you from Facebook. He's hoping to appear single would be my guess. That's the conversant you need to be having I think.

notangelinajolie · 06/05/2019 11:58

We don't know each others passwords but we could both probably guess them. Some passwords we share, others we don't but tend to use the same ones or a similar variation. If I'm paying bills and I need DH's password for his CC - he will tell me. I don't write it down so forgotten once I'm done. I don't know why you need a list of his passwords - it all sounds a little bit controlling.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 06/05/2019 12:01

Oddly I just locked DHs laptop by putting the wrong number in too many times. He can home unlocked it and reminded of the number.

He didn't ask why and has now gone out with the dog leaving me with his now unlocked laptop.

We do have separate laptops phones etc, technically they are all 'ours' but convenience means they are really his and hers. We just don't see the need to keep each other locked out... and the bloody laptops won't let you leave them open, so we have to have some password.

Sorry, rambling. My point is we don't suddenly lock each other out, not do we snoop. We just share... which we think is normal.

Fiveredbricks · 06/05/2019 12:02

You're being controlling and neurotic op.

Alsohuman · 06/05/2019 12:07

I don’t think she’s neurotic and controlling at all. The relationship began with the expectation of marriage, now she’s being treated like a child and being fobbed off with “one day” as if it was a visit to Disneyland. He’s moved from being open and honest to secretive. Hardly surprising she smells a rat. I would too.

PurpleDaisies · 06/05/2019 12:08

You're being controlling and neurotic op.

Worrying about being totally removed from Facebook and having previously known passwords hidden is neurotic?

janeybumtum · 06/05/2019 12:13

I think if someone's DP has seemed open about things like passwords and PIN numbers (each to their own) and then there's a big change in that, then I'd be concerned. Removing traces of you from Facebook looks really strange as well.
My stbxh was very odd about passwords, I never asked him what any of his were because I didn't intend to use his phone/laptop, but he'd always turn away from me to type them in and if he was using an atm and I was standing next to him he'd put his hand over the numbers when he was putting in his pin, as if I would have taken his card and used it - seriously?!! Looking back I think that his behaviour was very odd. I'd never snooped of asked to use any of his stuff but he was so cagey I can't help but wonder why now.

Angelf1sh · 06/05/2019 12:16

He must have always had a password for Facebook, you have to have one. Do you mean he’s changed it? That might not be a big issue, he could have forgotten it etc and needed to change it. I think it’s kind of weird that you know it’s been changed though, because that suggests you’ve attempted to log-in and I cannot think of any good reason why you’d want to do that. You don’t need to know his passwords to things you don’t need to use.

What you should be focusing on is the fact that he doesn’t seem to want to marry you. You have children together, which is the biggest commitment you can possibly make, so the only reason for not getting married if you want to is that he doesn’t want to. Why would you, at this stage of your life, put up with a relationship with a man who doesn’t want to marry you?

Original poster

Sherbet1924 · 06/05/2019 12:17

It's not that I want his passwords and it's not that I don't trust him either, it's just how he has gone from being open and honest to secretive it's not nice, and it's not nice to make tour partner feel insecure, and as for having children before marriage that was never my intention, I wanted to get married before having children but my partner was told he was infertile and we would need IVF a lot more into that but things didn't happen as we originally planned, doesn't mean I dont deserve to be his wife.

OP posts:

Jemima232 · 06/05/2019 12:19

Well, I think you're right to be concerned now, OP.

You used to trust one another with all the passwords, and now he suddenly doesn't? Sounds very dodgy to me - as is airbrushing you from his FB all of a sudden.

I hate to say it, but there's probably an OW somewhere around.

Thehop · 06/05/2019 12:21

I would start making myself financially independent and secure and see what unfolds in terms of your feelings.

He doesn’t want to marry you, you can’t do anything about that, but the not having you on fb sets alarms ringing for me.

Damntheman · 06/05/2019 12:23

I'm sorry OP, I completely misread your original post. In which case I would find that concerning indeed, I'm sorry he's treating you so badly.

Original poster

Sherbet1924 · 06/05/2019 12:48

Me too!! And it's not a controlling thing it's not about his passwords I don't care what is innhos phone ect, it's the change in behaviour what is concerning me and the fact he now says we will get married 'one day' I don't want to wait around for one day I deserve more than that

OP posts:

64632K · 06/05/2019 12:51

We know each others passwords for pretty much everything including banking - just in case we need each other to do something, never checked each others stuff out because we trust each other. We didn't ask each others passwords, just that I have set them up for him or we share the same password

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