To not want shouting and swearing in my face

[RoseMartha]

H and I have been divorcing for over a year. We all including dc still live in same house although my solicitor has asked him to leave (he sleeps in what was our bedroom and I sleep on floor in another room). He did not respond to the request. Just told me verbally no. But told me I know where the door is and to leave my key on way out.

He is emotionally and verbally aggressive and unreasonable and erratic and unpredictable. It is like constantly walking on egg shells. Has been like this for years. i am always worried about how something (anything) will trigger his mood swings. Sometimes I can say something normal and he takes it ok another day I might say the same thing and he flies off the handle, you never know how it will be.

Tonight he is bashing about the house making noise while dc are trying to sleep. This is because earlier
he lost the plot bc one if the dc refused to get ready for bed. He yelled in my face and swore at dd and at me. I asked him in quiet calm voice not to do that which made him worse. Now he is banging about on purpose to upset everyone.

Was I unreasonable in asking him to stop swearing and shouting in my face?

If I had not said anything he probably would have calmed down by now. It makes me feel like it is my fault.

If he won't leave the house despite the marriage being over, and despite your solicitor advising him to, and He is emotionally and verbally aggressive and unreasonable and erratic and unpredictable. It is like constantly walking on egg shells. Has been like this for years. i am always worried about how something (anything) will trigger his mood swings. Sometimes I can say something normal and he takes it ok another day I might say the same thing and he flies off the handle, you never know how it will be., then, in truth, I can't see why you think "a polite request to ask him to stop swearing and shouting in {your} my face was ever going to make any difference to you.

I don't know what the legal situation is. I would take advice from Women's Aid, but I wouldn't be living in that situation, and exposing my children to witnessing that behaviour on a daily or weekly basis.

This really isn't a good thread for AIBU.
I would see if you can get it moved to Relationships where people wth more knowledge than myself could advise you.

Agree with pp move this to relationships

Please contact women's aid and the NCDV who could help you to get an occupancy order while the divorce goes through, please can the police of he is behaving aggressively to you or the children

You can’t keep living together - must be so awful for you and your children. Please speak to women’s aid about finding a way forward, this must be intolerable for you.

If he's abusing the household, screaming and swearing in you and your child's face and still hasn't stopped then why havent asked the police to come and remove him for the night?

Omg OP please try and move out and take the DC with you. This is not good for them or you, your DD witnessing him shouting in your face isn't good at all. You need to tell your solicitor how he's behaving.

OP This is abuse, you need to contact the police to remove him. Maybe record it on your phone as evidence? I’ve lived with someone like this and it’s vile and traumatising.

Also cannot believe he's sleeping in the main bed and is having you sleep on the bloody floor. He sounds awful xx

I also second those posters who say involve the police. Definitely

next time he does it call the police and tell them you are frightened and that you think hes going to beat you, cry, act as scared as you are, they will remove him, giving you the opportunity to get a protection order keeping him away from the house... you got to get smart now, call the police each time, if he hits you... get up and call the police, this is abuse and trust me right now you are training the children that this is life, and setting them up for the same in their future... dont tip toe around him, no more! its the children who are being damaged by this and sometimes that damage is irreversible.... so if you cant protect yourself at least protect them

Was I unreasonable in asking him to stop swearing and shouting in my face?
I’m guessing this isn’t really the question you meant to ask, because in no situation would the answer ever be yes.

Your situation is toxic for you and your children. You need legal advice on the best option for you not to be in it.

Thank you for your responses.
Because he twists it and makes it my fault or makes sarcastic comments to look like a victim and then put the blame on me it is difficult for me to stand back out of the situation as if I am looking at myself from outside if that makes sense.

For years I thought it was normal behaviour to do what your husband insisted with regard toeing his line. For example a couple of the many things were, I wasnt allowed to do cleaning if he was in, if I did he got sulky and refused to talk. Or he would tell me we could not afford things when we could. If something was not how he wanted it he would not talk to me except in clipped tones that made me aware I had displeased him (up to two weeks at a time) , I often didnt know what I did to set him off as I said in my first post sometimes I make a normal comment and he responds rationally another time he can fly off the handle for no reason. Only an apology from me would make it go back to bearable but I sometimes didnt know what I was apologising for. I thought that my feelings of being hurt and not feeling it was right was because I was over sensitive. Until one day I googled it and saw that perhaps I was not, but knowing that and then getting the courage to end it are two different things.

I have tried to leave. We have nowhere to go. I was advised a refuge was over 60 miles away. I have elderly parents who rely on me. I have other family who rely on me. One of my kids is sen, uprooting from school is not an option. I went to the council who told me if I make us homeless by leaving they can not help me. I went to a housing advice place who also told me council could not help me and no where else could. I found I could rent a one bed flat but only claim UC for six months because I half own the house and not living in it. But it will be hard to get a guarantor. Then what? I have a child with SEN I can not increase my hours at this time. I did ring police after a particular bad evening with him some months ago (far worse than yesterday), and then spent three hours answering questions at the police station. They decided not to take it further at that point but recorded it said I did the right thing.

Last night the incident was fairly short but intimidating and unnecessary. Who loses the plot because your kid doesn't want to get their pyjamas on? It was not late either, yes it was annoying as I had asked dc before he stepped in and asked but nowhere near appropriate to lose temper.

I think in reality he is getting annoyed bc my solicitor has not responded as was on holiday. I can hardly speed it up under those circumstances. But he says it is my fault. And I think his frustration is spilling out as this is the second time this week he has lost it with me.

If he agrees with the response which he says he will he will then be leaving hopefully in June.

I think my question in the title of my post is that. Because somewhere deep down because this way of life is hard to get out of and you doubt yourself because that is how he has made you feel for years and takes time to work through.