Aibu to not know how to help my friend anymore? Domestic abuse

[HotSkunk3033]

Hi, can I just start by saying I am the child of an abuse victim and (years ago) had a emotionally abusive relationship, so I do find it difficult to help anyway without “triggering” my own memories.
I do understand DV fairly well and have a friend in an abusive relationship (mostly emotional and financial but he has hit her probably monthly-6 weeks ish all last year and this year.)
I love her, I truly do, i’d class her as my best friend and I’ve known her since we were teens. Now mid 20’s.
She has been with her boyfriend for 2 years and doesn’t live with him (yet...) no kids (yet...) I know there are plans for them to move in together v soon and they are not using contraceptives because “he doesn’t like condoms” and “won’t let her” use the pill. I have talked her into secretly getting the injection but In the last 6 months she’s even stopped doing that. There were many red flags in the beginning (He proposed on the second date! she said no but didn’t seem to appreciate the issue of moving too quickly “because I’d said no” direct quote )
Every day she texts me and more often than not will complain, vent and rant about the things that her boyfriend does including talking down to her, screaming at her, not taking no for an answer (raping her, this happens often). But In the next breath, she’ll either tell me they looked at a lovely house in x area last weekend as if everything is ok, or that she’ll leave him. But within hours of calling things off, she’ll be talking to him again and within a day of talking to him, they’re back together and he’s staying over/she’s staying over his.
Today things came to a head and he backhanded her then stormed out of his house, she was left crying on his sofa and called me. I drop everything and race to her aid leaving work to do this (I am a manager but it still leaves me behind with crucial tasks), her face is red and swollen. She’s crying, she’s upset: I do my best to calm her, help her find her few things (she often uses this as an “excuse” to herself to go back) then I drive her home, offer her to stay over mine if she wants but she refuses. After checking she’s ok and calling another friend to sit with her I go back to work for a couple hours.
An hour after I walk in from work (20 mins ago) she calls me up with that tone she always has when this happens to tell me that he’s coming round to talk. I know where this will lead. I just straight up said “I’m sorry x I’m not sure what to tell you anymore” and hung up. I have cried since. I’m sorry if this is all a mess as I am still very emotional, she is genuinely my best friend but this is taking such a toll on me aibu to say I just don’t fucking know how to help anymore?

Can I also just say that I know how hard it can be to leave abuse and it takes a lot of trying to finally do it but I am struggling to stick it out this is very very emotionally taxing especially as I know I am her main support (only one other friend knows and does not provide the level of emotional/practical support I have provided.) I worry that if I withdraw my support then she’ll end up even more stuck but it’s harming my own emotional well-being trying to help her, too.

You can't help her, until she is ready to help herself I'm afraid, all you can do is make it clear you are there for her. But I would stop the "dropping everything" and rushing but, as hard as that may be sadly.

As PP said nothing you do will help her she needs to find out for herself sadly enough. You sound like an amazing friend x

It’s very difficult Laguna I just find it very very difficult to say no to someone I care for so much who is in so much distress. but I can see I’m harming myself by trying to help her so much

There is only so much you can do. I've been in a DA relationship, the only thing that made me leave was when the police turned up because someone had anonymously reported the abuse and was concerned that I had a child. They said SS would be involved and keeping custody of my daughter, and keeping her safe, was more important than my relationship that I had only just started to realise was abusive. They helped me to leave.
I could tell many of my friends were getting sick of telling me to get out, and I wouldn't have blamed them for leaving. I'm sure it's hard to see someone go through this and not be receptive to any help.

Purple
I’m sorry you went through that but you’re right it is awful to watch someone go through it and have no power whatsoever to stop it.
Maybe she’ll never get out or maybe something (like what happened with you) will finally make her open her eyes but I’m slowly realising that I can’t get her out if she doesn’t want to, genuinely want to I mean. She says one thing but then hours later she’s back with him

You sound such a wonderful friend and also I can see from your post you care very deeply for her.

However, I can understand how hard this is for you. Just reassure her you are there for her but that's really all you can do. She will know you are there if and when she makes that decision to leave. Don't drop everything to rush to her because that is so overwhelming both emotionally and time wise for you.

Look after yourself OP.

I spent years trying and failing to get my friend out of an abusive relationship. In the end I had to leave her and our friendship as it just got to much for me. Years on she’s still with him and nothing has changed.

Hot I think it’s fair to say you’ve done all you can here and it’s time to start protecting yourself.

I’ve been in a abusive relationship too and this lady doesn’t want to leave yet.

He may end up seriously hurting her but that won’t be your fault.

Put some distance between you to protect yourself

I've been in both hers and your shoes. I personally would've called the police before arriving at his house (even though he was gone). Maybe they could rejuvenate into her. Or, called Women's Aid whilst I was there and insisted she have a chat with them

Erm that was meant to say talk some sense into her. Stupid Kindle!

Ask her directly "If you were a child, would you like him to be your father?"

There is nothing you can do. I would leave her to it. Concentrate on putting yourself first from now on. No more dropping everything for her, when she only goes back to him. She is using up all of your energy.