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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask dh to be home?

15 replies

Hotdogsfloatinginthebath · 05/05/2019 12:09

Hi all!

Lots of pregnancy hormones flying about so just posting on here (new name!) to see people's opinions!

We have been invited to a wedding by dh friend 4 weeks after my due date and been told it is no children. I am planning on ebf and am not sure if I will feel up to a wedding 4 weeks after baby is born (possibly 2 I guess if he goes over!) and so I am not going. The wedding is about 45 mins from our house.

I asked dh today what his plans are and he said oh they are putting on a minibus service for guests. I said brilliant (thinking he meant it would drop off at our local huge city!). Upon further discussion this minibus is going to drop guests at two hotels. Dh planned on getting a room to stay in one of them.

Aibu to ask him not to stay out the whole day and then night? Or should I suck it up? Dh mentioned asking my mum or sister to help me but they are away on family holiday and we don't really have any other close relatives in the area.

OP posts:
Jemima232 · 05/05/2019 12:13

This must be your first baby, or he wouldn't be thinking this was all right.

Suppose you have a caesarean, and are two weeks overdue?

You'll still need a lot of help if that is the case, so I don't think YABU in these circumstances.

Original poster
Hotdogsfloatinginthebath · 05/05/2019 12:14

Yes first baby :-) I think because we have both been able to do what we like pretty much he is finding it a shock to the system 😂

OP posts:
ZippyBungleandGeorge · 05/05/2019 12:16

I think if you have a straight forward birth and there are no issues with DC, you'll be fine, at six weeks DH had to go to Liverpool for a two day training course, we live in the South so he left at five one morning and got home at nine the following evening, it was fine, but it depends on a lot of things. My DM had offered to stay if needed, as he really had no option but to go and his employer kindly have him six weeks paid paternity leave and this was his first week back. I made sure I had easy to grab food in the fridge and freezer/left over meals I could just warm up.

Cornettoninja · 05/05/2019 12:17

Ideally I think this should be flexible. You might be feeling fantastic, coping well and comfortable with waving him off for the night. Conversely you may have a tough recovery, high maintenance baby and be in the throws of sleep deprivation. The second scenario breeds massive amounts of resentment when one parent swans off to enjoy a day/night of their ‘old’ life (trust me on that one).

If there’s no flexibility in the plans then he should be planning for worst case scenario and not spending the night away.

Myworstnightmare123 · 05/05/2019 12:17

If you end up having a C-section/overdue/medical issues then YANBU
If all is well and you deliver around your due date and things are ok then I can't see how one day and night would be an issue IMO

Original poster
Hotdogsfloatinginthebath · 05/05/2019 12:18

I think if he had to go for work or something that would be different but I thought meeting half way is that he goes to the wedding then drives back (so no drinking 😂) or he could get the last train home.

OP posts:
Cornettoninja · 05/05/2019 12:20

Would the price of a taxi be that much different to the price of a hotel room?

CupOhTea · 05/05/2019 12:21

I wouldn't be too thrilled about this if the baby happens to be late, but then neither would dh! There is no way either of us would have wanted to be away from either of our babies at 2-3wo. 4 maybe, at a push, but I still remember that as part of the first few weeks which for us with dc1 were just a haze of horrible shock at the sleep deprivation!

It's doable. We did spend a few nights apart at 5-6 weeks when I visited my dad. It wasn't easy, but it was ok as my dad was there to help. I think 6 weeks is ok, 4-5 weeks not too bad. 2 weeks no way for us.

You could get a total angel of a baby though!

Could your dp tell the groom he might need to play it by ear a bit?

Foxmuffin · 05/05/2019 12:22

If it’s making you anxious thinking about it ask him to stay home.

Original poster
Hotdogsfloatinginthebath · 05/05/2019 12:22

@Cornettoninja yes unfortunately :-( taxi would be about £50 and hotel is currently on for £19 (premier inn!)

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 05/05/2019 12:25

I wouldn't have a problem with this personally but I know some people wouldn't like it. As it is such a cheap hotel I would book it and if the birth is late or you're poorly etc afterwards you can reassess nearer the time.

CripsSandwiches · 05/05/2019 12:30

I would have been OK with DH going but I had OK births no csection and babies were healthy. I think it will probably only be an issue if there are complications which make it more difficult to look after baby alone in which case DH should reconsider his plans.

Silversun83 · 05/05/2019 13:28

I wouldn't have been happy about this and DH would have totally understood but DD was 12 days overdue and I had a three-day labour followed by a crash csection (and we were in hosp for another four days after).

Despite that my recovery was pretty good, however still struggled to physically do things quickly and emotionally I was pretty much a mess.

DH did go to a wedding three hours away when DD was about four weeks old, but bless him, drove home that same night (got home about midnight).

MRex · 05/05/2019 13:53

Who are these men that think there's nothing to be done once a baby is born? I remember various tales from my pregnancy Facebook group that shocked DH. You should be a team, not default to one going out while the other one is responsible for the baby.

As to what you can manage, everyone is different but at 2 weeks post C-section we walked into town to register the birth, get lunch, stop at the pub, went to the supermarket and then had a walk on the way home. The walk was the bit that got too much for the baby when he got a little bit cold being in the pushchair and wouldn't be put down, but we had a great time, if only we'd had the close caboo sling at that point it would have been great. So working as team with DH I'm sure we could have just about done either a wedding or I could have managed a full day and night by myself; but at home DH made all food and cleared up, did all nappy changes plus carrying DS up and downstairs, did most of the winding and was on hand to take over the velcro baby cuddles so I could have a shower etc. I wouldn't want to have had to do it all alone at that point and more importantly DH wanted to be with us, you never get those tiny snuggly days back. If you have a Caesarean then it can be hard, although for that matter so can other stitches; for me my capability didn't start to get dramatically better until 8 weeks really.

If they're good friends, are you sure they wouldn't let you go to parts of the day along with the baby (then if the baby is crying you just go back to the hotel room and pop back to rejoin the wedding later)? A newborn is rather different than having a bunch of 6 year olds tearing around the room. You could do the journey each way with a planned stop so it's nice and easy, but then you're not alone and it could be nice to have the trip. Otherwise I'd say it's best for him to help you get sorted in the morning before he goes and then come back in the evening. £50 sounds a lot for a 45 minute journey, are you sure there isn't a cheaper cab firm?

TeaForDad · 05/05/2019 14:18

I think you need to play it by ear.
You might be fine and feel up to it, or not. He needs to follow your lead and tell the wedding people he's a maybe.

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