Birthday Present AIBU

[SnowWhitesRestingBitchFace]

I don't want to turn this into an essay do will just go with the basics. No drip feeding or back story.

I have 3 DC but only my youngest is biologically my DH'S. However he treats them all the same.

My ILS (parents in law and sister in law) have never given my older dc (12 and 5) a birthday card or present. Youngest DC is nearly 1 and they have started asking what to buy for his birthday so I know they will buy for him.

DH is fully supportive of this so that's not a problem but AIBU to stop buying for sister in laws 3 children? After all they are biologically nothing to do with me which is obviously the stance she has taken with my oldest DC. If DH decided he wanted to put himself out and buy for them (he won't) then fair enough and I wouldn't ever stand in his way.

That's fair isn't it? Presents for everyone or presents for no one?

I actually wouldn't even mind if they just gave my older dc a card each. It's genuinely no about the money it just the thought and knowing they are accepted.

For context we see or speak to sister in law every single day. It's a close relationship.

Oh bloody hell that did have paragraphs I swear!

I wouldn't buy for her kids if she leaves your kids out. Like you say, her kids are technically your DH's responsibility. Not your problem if he doesn't bother.

My brother in law has a step child. We always bought her presents from the age of ten to 19. We had two children. They always bought for my DD but forgot my DS 3 years out of 5 despite being in the same room as us and talking about his 4th birthday. I would have been ashamed to not stick my hand in my pocket and give £5-£10 there and then to the child (not poor at all - bought a £300,000 house in cash!!!!)

We subsequently stopped buying for her DD.

That seems perfectly reasonable, DH's family, he sorts out their cards/gifts. In fact I have just started this. SiLs often forget cards for DCs and gifts.

It’s always been my DH’s job to buy gifts for his family.

Of course, if your DH doesn’t bother buying for his nephews and nieces, then you can’t complain if they don’t buy for your 1 year old either. Fair enough.

In fact, if your DH isn’t arsed enough to “put himself out” and buy gifts for his own blood relatives, why are you surprised that your SIL doesn’t buy gifts for children that aren’t?

Why do you hold SIL to higher standards than your own DH?

I think it's rude to to accept a gift for your youngest from their aunt but then not buy his cousins.

They are your DHs family, your older children are not theirs unless your DH adopts them. Two completely different things.

Do you insist the elder children's family buy the youngest or they don't get gifts in return?

I think it's tricky.

Firstly, you're punishing the children because of something their mum has done. It's not their fault.

Secondly, it's very tit for tat and childish. I think your risk further fall out and more distance between the families

Thirdly, does your ex-partner's family buy for you new DC? Or just the older DC? They have their own grandparents, aunts, uncles etc.

I think the best and most grown up thing to do would be to speak to SIL (who you speak to every day and are close with!) and just explain that's it's hurtful to you and the DC that they don't get a card from her for their birthday.

Model good and grown up relationships for all the children involved not silly tit for tat games!

YANBU to let DH sort the presents for his side of the family though.

Sorry just to clarify I definitely don't think DH'S behaviour is any better then SIL. He would happily go out and buy presents independently of me if he felt the need to but because of this he just doesn't. SILs children are 18, 16 and 4. Previously when we've bought presents expensive branded stuff or console games were requested which made me resentful of the fact a card wasn't even bought for mine. We also don't expect presents for our baby and this has been made clear.

With regards to the oldest getting presents from ex ILs. One does and the other doesn't.

So I accept I'm both U and NU. Definitely always good to get other opinions.

Sorry and also I don't usually do the shopping on my own either. It's usually something DH and I do together so he's not getting off with not having to do the work.

Let Dh sort his own side for gifts, and you sort yours. You can't control what others do and it's petty to make an issue out of the fact that current inlaws don't buy for your older kids. It's not their problem if one of your older kids doesn't have a relationship with their paternal side and therefore doesn't get gifts from them.

Could you send a text back and say oh I didn't think we done gifts for the kids? Dd would love to have you over for cake on his birthday though.

That way they can see you're making a point but not being a bitch? X

How long have you been with DH?
If it's a very long time and they've known the children since little then yanbu.
If she has no relationship with them and know them quite recently then yabu.

I agree with this, makes it clear to them then you can go from there. My friend's stepkids aren't hers biologically, she and her dp have been together years and ive always got gifts for them.

Whoop meant this

oh I didn't think we done gifts for the kids? Dd would love to have you over for cake on his birthday though.

YANBU. My brother and his DP have 2 biological children aged 11 and 5 and her eldest DC (16) was 3 when they met. Our whole family has ALWAYS treated eldest DC as my brother's and his DP has since said it means the world to her that we do.

I can't understand families who differentiate like this but each to their own. My mum had 3 of us with my dad then remarried and had 3 children with my stepdad. I consider my younger siblings as my siblings not 'half siblings'. Yes this term is technically correct, but it doesn't describe them to me and I politely explain to anyone who queries it...

In general I think that each emmeber of the couple should be in charge of presents to their side of the family.

Do you organize bday parties where the in laws show up without present? Or is it more like they havent stopped by to drop off a present?

I find this sort of behaviour very hard to understand. If my brother/sister/son/daughter married someone with children I would buy presents for those children - can't imagine not doing so. I think leaving children out in this way is bizarre behaviour - and what has having a blood relationship got to do with it, I buy presents for the children of friends, or the grandchildren of friends who are not related to me in any way.

I personally wouldn't like to just suddenly stop giving presents to the SIL's children if you have always done so (although I would get what I thought appropriate not some expensive item that has been requested) But I would also ask SIL what is going on with the presents - these are your DH's stepchildren, part of his family and therefore part of hers - I would ask if she wanted to stop presents altogether (including those for her own kids from you and she can explain to them why) or all the children get presents. Those are the options - excluding your older children is not an option.

Well I wouldn't be buying for the 18 year old if he's already had his 18th. That would be the last one.

But I don't understand treating step-children differently either, so definitely leave it to your DH.

We've been together years. And see each other all the time. Her DS (4) is only a little bit younger then my DS (5) and they love playing together. We also run a small events business with SIL. I babysit the youngest when SIL doesnt have childcare for her full time job. I just find it very bizarre behaviour considering we see each other all the time and speak everyday.